Don't Anger Harry Potter
by Loki Palmer
Summary: An angry Harry Potter is a deadly Harry Potter. Anger him at your own peril. A response to ChAOtiC ReApEr's Joined Souls challenge. HP/HG
1. Chapter 1

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. A big shout out to ChAOtiC ReApEr for his Joined Souls challenge, to which this story is one reply. I've decided to take Harry down the evil route; the abuse of Vernon Dursley is just too much to ignore. [Evil, manic laughter.] Somebody's getting some comeuppance … [cue the Star Wars Imperial March] Enjoy!**

**The Challenge**

**It should start with Vernon almost killing a young Harry which results in both his and Voldemort's souls joining to save his life.**

**Harry must gain all of Voldemort's knowledge of the dark arts and of the wizarding world.**

**You can have him being super powerful or you can just have him with all the knowledge and intelligence.**

**Requirements for evil Harry**

**His Animagus should be a Dementor, a Nundu and whatever else you want.**

**He should not be in Gryffindor.**

**Also, you should have Harry listen to some heavy metal band like, for example, Deicide or Cradle of Filth.**

**Requirements for good Harry**

**His Animagus should be a basilisk and whatever else you want.**

**Do not make him remorseful like Dumbledore; he should want to take down the Death Eaters.**

**He should not go into Gryffindor.**

**Chapter 1**

What an odd day it had been for Harry Potter, age 7. After school, his cousin, Dudley was running after him with his gang in a game they would call "Harry hunting." Participating in games like this had only taught Harry that he had to be fast to outrun these boys, because if he lost, the boys would beat the living snot out of him, maybe even break a bone or two. Fortunately for him, he had a winning record streak against these boys, not to mention Dudley's added weight made it hard for him to keep up. No, Harry would not lose a game for anything in the world. He already had enough problems at home.

"Home, sweet home," so the saying would say. Harry never knew the meaning of that saying, as his home life was anything BUT sweet. He was an orphan left on the doorstep of the Dursleys, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. Instead of treating him as a family member, they would treat him as a miniature slave, having him do chores such as gardening, cooking, cleaning – you name the chore, he did it. He was given barely enough food to eat, and his room was a cramped little cupboard under the stairs.

All of this Harry could endure. Yes, he could endure the scarce food he was given, even though Vernon and Dudley looked like an overfed walrus and whale, respectively. He could also endure his cramped living quarters. What took the cake, though, were the beatings. Whenever he would do something wrong or freakish, he would be beaten with a belt and tossed into his cupboard with no food for a certain period of time. It was a constant surprise to him each morning that he did not starve to death with this treatment, but, by some unexplained miracle, he lived to see another day.

On this particular day, though, he had been running, as usual, from Dudley's gang, when he found himself flying up to the rooftop of a building, safe out of harm's way. This freaked out Dudley so much he went to tell the teacher, who wrote up a note for Vernon. Naturally, when Harry made it back home, Vernon gave him the worst beating with a belt he had yet given him, tossing him into his cupboard for good measure and locking it securely, hoping the boy would be dead by the next morning.

Sure enough, Harry was dying. What he was not expecting, though, was to hear a voice in his mind say, **"Kid, can you hear me?"**

"Who are you?" asked Harry. "Are you an angel? Can you take me to my parents?"

**"With the way your living family treats you here, kid, I don't blame you for wanting to see your parents, but no, I can't take you to see them, and I ain't no angel. The name's Tommy – Tommy Riddle. What's your name, kid?"**

"Harry. I didn't know I even had a name until I went to school. Before then, I was just called 'Boy' or 'Freak'."

**"Madonn', Harry, this situation's looking pretty bad. You want me to give it to you straight?"** Harry nodded. **"This beating you've received is so bad, your body can't handle it anymore, Harry. You're dying, that's the bad news. The good news is, I'm here to help you out."**

"How will you do that, Tommy?"

**"Harry, that's simple. I'm going to join my soul's energy to yours. I warn you though, this is going to hurt quite a bit. All I ask is that you stay with me and don't you die on me, do you understand me, Harry?"**

"Yes sir."

**"Can the sir, there's no need for it, Harry. Now, we have a choice before us – we can either join together and live, or you can go on to meet your parents."**

"As much as I would like to meet my parents, I want to live so much more. I can always meet them later – preferably much later."

**"That's the spirit, Harry. Never give up and never surrender. Are you ready?"**

"Bring it." The next few minutes brought some of the most intense pain he had ever felt, all centered in the area of his scar. When it was over, he heard Tommy say, **"That took a lot out of you, didn't it, Harry? Well, you're not going to die now, you're all healed up. How about you get some rest?"** As Harry did so, Tommy muttered darkly, **"The next time we see Vernon Dursley, he's not going to know what hit him ..."**


	2. Chapter 2

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm glad this fanfic is off to a good start so far. Now, as far as the voice of Tommy Riddle is concerned, yes, I had a particular voice in mind for him. At this point, I'll give you one hint: gangster films. Also, look at the way he talks, and I think it should be a dead giveaway. I'm not saying who at this point, but I'll let you guess who it is. Happy guessing!**

"**Thou art the Emperor of Darkness ..." – Emperor**

**Chapter 2**

**"That bastard. That no good, motherloving bastard!"**

"Tommy, what's the matter? Who's the bastard?"

**"Oh, Harry, you're awake! That's good news. Had a good sleep?"**

"Yes, Tommy, but you didn't answer my question."

**"Oh, who's the bastard? Your Uncle Vernon, for almost killing you, he's a bastard, all right, but there's another person I had in mind when I was saying this – Albus Dumbledore."**

"Forgive my curiosity, but who's Albus Dumbledore?"

**"Harry, there's nothing wrong with being curious – WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHO'S ALBUS DUMBLEDORE? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IS?"** Harry didn't respond. **"I'll take that silence as a no. Albus Dumbledore is the Headmaster of a wizard's school called Hogwarts, for special people, like us wizards."**

"Us wizards, Tommy? You mean to say, I'm a wizard?"

**"Yes, Harry, you are, and I'm not surprised, knowing who your parents were."**

"You knew my parents?"

**"Eh, no, not personally. I went to Hogwarts almost some 50 years ago. They came through Hogwarts about some 20 years later. They were magical people, for lack of a better term. These idiots you live with, on the other hand, are Muggles – people who can't use magic."**

"That makes sense. How come I didn't turn Uncle Vernon and Dudley into frog spawn or something similar?"

**"Harry, at this stage, your magic is still too unstable for you to be able to control it. The main times it will strike out and do something is if you're under some heavy emotional stress, like, say, if you're angry or scared. Your magical core – the inner part of you that enables you to interact with magic – doesn't stabilize until you're eleven years old. That's when you'll be going to Hogwarts, if you so choose."**

"So, what can you tell me about my parents?"

**"Like I said before, Harry, I didn't know them that well, but what I could piece together about them was this: your father, James Potter, was born to magical people. His family, it seems, had been magical for many generations, so he was what some people would call Pureblood – meaning his family tree was untainted by Muggles or Muggle-borns. Lily, on the other hand, was a Muggle-born, and my followers hated her for that very reason. There's even an impolite name for such people – Mudbloods. It implied that somehow, their blood was dirtier than everyone else's."**

"Exactly how many generations of magical people are required before a magical person can claim to be a Pureblood, Tommy?"

Tommy was about to answer, then he stopped, and thought for a few moments. **"Whoa, Harry, that is an excellent question to ask. I've never really thought about it before. To be honest, I don't know the answer to that question at all. In fact, who's to say who's Pureblood or not?"**

"I'm glad I got you thinking, Tommy."

**"Yeah, that's a melon scratcher, Harry."**

"What did you think of her?"

**"In spite of the fact that she was a Muggle-born, Harry, she was also quite the brilliant witch, from what I've heard. This caused even more consternation for my side."**

"Your side?"

**"Harry, there's no easy way to say this, but your parents and I were on different sides fighting against each other."**

"This was because you were the leader of a Pureblood supremacist movement?"

**"You got it, Harry. You're a fast learner."**

"And something else tells me this all goes back to Dumbledore. Was he the Headmaster when you were at Hogwarts?"

**"No, the Headmaster back then was Armando Dippet. Dumbledore was the Transfiguration Professor back then. You're right again, though, Harry, this does go back to Dumbledore. He was the leader of a movement called the Order of the Phoenix, and they were devoted to the fight against me, who had taken the name of Lord Voldemort."**

"So, what happened between you and my parents?"

**"I must warn you, Harry, this is going to be a hard confession for me. I tried to convince your parents to join my cause – yes, even though Lily was a Muggle-born – but they refused me, citing Dumbledore's goodness and the righteousness of his cause. They faced me on three separate occasions, managing to escape me with their lives still intact. That infuriated me so much, and then, one night, one of my servants told me of a prophecy, about a boy who would be born at the end of July, the one who would one day defeat the Dark Lord, presumably myself. Neville Longbottom was one such boy – I sent a few of my followers to deal with him. However, I decided I would personally deal with the other one – you."**

"What happened to Neville?"

**"I don't know what happened to him, Harry. My followers must have wanted to wait for me to finish with you so I could help them deal with Neville and eliminate both threats that way. It didn't work out like I expected."**

"Okay, so what happened on your end?"

**"One of my people, Peter Pettigrew, told me where the Potters were hiding. When I found out about Dumbledore's Fidelius charm he placed on their house to hide them, and that Pettigrew was their Secret-Keeper, I was surprised – I always thought it would have been James's friend, Sirius Black, they would trust with this secret. As soon as I received this precious nugget of information, I knew it would be now or never. It was Halloween night when I came to their little cottage in Godric's Hollow. James fought bravely, only for me to kill him. As for Lily, she bravely stuck herself between us. I told her to move aside, that it was not necessary that she die. She refused, and I killed her. Her sacrifice formed a protective shield around you, and the shield bounced the Killing Curse back at me. Harry, you are the only one to have survived the Killing Curse – normally, when it hits a person, he or she dies. That's it. End of story."**

There was some silence on Harry's end. When he got the strength to speak again, he said, "Even though you wanted to kill me, you still saved me when I was about to die. I don't know whether to yell at you for killing my parents or thank you for saving my life."

**"Yeah, you've gotta appreciate the irony there, eh, Harry? If it means anything to you, I'm sorry about your parents, but what's done is done, and I can't change it. What I can do, however, is help you survive, and together, we're going to take down the monster I've become. In the process, we will also create a new order for the world, a better one than the original I had in mind, using all weapons at our disposal. The darkness within you is awakening, Harry, and it needs to be fed. Your emotions of anger and hate will be key to tapping into the Dark Side, as well as your thirst for vengeance against all those who wronged you. With me at your side, Harry, no one will dare to trouble you, much less make you angry. If anyone is crazy enough to try, believe me, once you're done with them, they won't try again. So, what do you say?"**

Harry smiled to himself and said, "Let's do it, Tommy. Together."

He could imagine Tommy steepling his fingers and saying, **"Excellent. Now, Harry, another thing that Dumbledore's done to us, is to block off a large portion of your magic."**

"Why would he do that?"

**"Keep in mind that it's a common thing for parents to block off some of their child's magic so their outbursts of accidental magic don't cause too much damage. On the other hand, however, they will slowly take off the blocks so the magical core has some room to grow. What Dumbledore has done, however, is to cap off your magic at 25% and left it there. I don't think he ever plans to take it off."**

"This is quite some news, Tommy. It's not good, is it?"

**"Not good at all, you're right about that. If you arrive at school with a 25% capacity, you'll be a weakling compared to others. As to surviving a magical battle – I'm sorry, Harry, but the only way you'd stay alive or win would be by pure dumb luck."**

"So why don't we take off the block? You know, one move, like a Band-Aid, it's off!"

**"I'm way ahead of you, Harry, but it's not quite that simple. If we were to just rip off the block, like a Band-Aid, the surge in magic would cause an explosion that would make an atomic bomb look like a firecracker in comparison."**

"That would be a good thing, right?" asked Harry, imagining the scene of the Dursleys being blown sky-high. Tommy replied back with, **"No, it wouldn't, ya meathead, because we'd be dead too! I ain't willing to take that risk!** **Didn't you hear what I said? Parents remove the block gradually, pay attention!"**

"I thought it would be a funny scene."

**"Yeah, it would be funny, but the Ministry and the mop would be all over us like Italians on a piece of gabagool."**

"What's gabagool?"

**"It's an Italian meat dish, very tasty. You oughta try it sometime."**

"Okay, and what's the mop thing?"

**"I meant to say MOP – it stands for Manipulative Old Prick. Catchy, isn't it?"**

Harry gave out a mental chortle. "It's funny as well, Tommy. You really are a funny guy."

**"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M FUNNY?"** Harry couldn't help laughing more. **"What do you think you're laughing at, Harry? Am I a clown to you, is that it? Am I here to amuse you? COME ON, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK IS SO FUNNY ABOUT ME, YA MEATHEAD!"**

There was an uncomfortable silence. "Tommy … i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it was just a joke ..."

**"HA, HARRY, I GOT YOU, YA STUTTERING MEATHEAD!"** Tommy was roaring with laughter. **"You were scared I might hurt ya, right, Harry?"**

"On a more serious note ..." – Tommy stopped laughing – "exactly how gradually are we taking the block off of my core?"

**"Good question, Harry. We're going to up your core five percent at a time. I'm giving you about a month to fully adjust to your new power level before we up it any further. In about a year – hopefully less than that – your core will be at full power. In the meantime, I suggest you take good care of your body – you know, stay fit, make sure to eat plenty of food as well as plenty of sleep."**

"I don't have a problem with staying fit, seeing all the running I do ..."

**"I'm sensing a 'but' there, Harry. What's the 'but' about?"**

" … but Uncle Vernon won't give me enough food."

**"Harry, don't you worry your unkempt head about the fat walrus. When we're through with him and his family, you won't need to worry about any more mistreatment from them, trust me. While we're stuck here, I'm going to help you get in touch with your magic, and afterwards, we're going to bust out of this squallid little cupboard and get ourselves a better room ..."**

Thus did the two plot all through the weekend. Vernon Dursley left Harry alone, assuming he had died. Naturally, he had no idea of what was coming to him when the weekend was up. A storm called Revenge was coming, and it would have no mercy!


	3. Chapter 3

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Wow, I am amazed at the fan base I'm gathering with this story – thank you all! In case a few may be wondering, "Why are your chapters so short?", well, here's my explanation: they're easier and faster to write. I remember in one story I've been writing ("Harry Potter and the Filii Fulminis"), Chapter 6 was a big chapter, and it took me two months to write! Oy! That's why I tend to write short chapters nowadays. Trying to pack too much into one chapter? Bad idea. Believe me … I know from experience. (Not that I think that chapter came out badly, mind you. It's just that there was so much I wanted to put into it, that it took me a long time to finish.) So, without further ado, let's peek into 4 Privet Drive to see what happens to Vernon … [evil laughter].**

"**You do not know the power of the Dark Side ..." – Darth Vader, Star Wars**

**Chapter 3**

**"Okay, Harry, here comes the whale … beached whale coming up in three … two ..."**

WHAM! The cupboard door opened so quickly, it knocked Dudley out cold onto the ground. "Oh, good morning, Dudley. I didn't see you coming," he said with a smirk.

**"You didn't see him coming? Oh, that's priceless, Harry! How could you not see him coming? I say we call Greenpeace and toss him back in the ocean!"** Tommy was having too much fun with this, Harry noticed, but then came the warning: **"Fat walrus coming in right behind you."**

Vernon was stunned. "You're still alive? I don't believe it!"

"Oh, you'd better believe it, Uncle Vernon," said Harry, looking at him with an evil smile and a Kubrick stare. His normally green eyes didn't just darken to black, they also started glowing red with a terrifying fire. "It's good news for me … but I'm afraid it's bad news for you. Now, how about some breakfast?"

"Freaks like you don't deserve – " began Vernon, only to start choking as he fell to his knees. Harry came up to him and hissed in his ear, "Vernon, Vernon, Vernon … how would you liked it if I called up Child Services on you? I bet they'll love to hear about how normal your family is … how they abuse and neglect a minor! Or how about I call up the police? I bet they'll love to take you in on the charge of attempted MURDER OF A MINOR?" he finished by bawling into his ear. Using his magic, he felt out for Vernon's nerves, and, locating one, commanded his magic to overstimulate it, then moved around to do the same to other nerves. The combined effect was one of intense pain for Vernon, like his nerves were dipped in hot sauce, and the screams were such that even Tommy was impressed. **"Whoa, Harry, you've pulled off a wandless, wordless Cruciatus curse!"**

"Need I be worried about the Ministry and the MOP?"

**"Not if you use wandless magic. It's when you get your wand that you should worry about them. Besides, I think it's best you develop your skill with wandless magic, because it gives you an unexpected weapon in the case in which you lose your wand. Just go easy on how long you apply the Cruciatus, because you don't want him going insane, now, do you?"**

"Good point, Tommy. Thanks." Harry then turned on Petunia and applied to her the same treatment …

~DAHP~

One school day, after school, Harry came upon Dudley and his gang, who were picking on a young girl with brown hair. She was crying as they were tossing her book around, not letting her get it back.

Harry noticed such anger rise up in him, he could hardly even think as he thundered, "HEY! LEAVE THE GIRL ALONE AND GIVE HER BOOK BACK!"

**"That certainly got their attention, Harry. Now how do you plan to rescue the damsel in distress?"** asked Tommy.

"Or what, Potter?" asked a large boy, Piers Polkiss.

"Piers, don't mess with Potter. It's a bad idea," pleaded Dudley.

"What's the matter with you, Big D? Have you gone all soft on us or something?" asked Piers.

Dudley looked at Harry, and holding his hands up in surrender, said, "At least I tried to warn them, Harry. They're all yours." He carefully backed away from the scene.

"So, Polkiss, are you going to listen to Big D's warning?" asked Harry. "I really don't want to hurt you, but, if you leave me with no choice, I will. Do the smart thing and give her book back … I won't ask you again."

The boys all laughed at this, only to have it broken by the sound of Piers howling in pain, for a wandless Bone-Breaker hex had broken his kneecap. The other boys looked back up to Harry, only to wet their pants in fear of the dark color of his eyes. The boy who was holding the girl's book handed it back to Harry, trembling as he did so, and they ran away.

Harry walked up to the girl and asked her, "Are you allright?" She stood there looking at him in awe, not sure how to answer, so he asked again: "Miss, are you allright?"

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-yes, I'm allright."

"No need to be afraid, miss. I don't bite. My name's Harry Potter. What's yours?"

"Hermione Granger. Thank you for rescuing me from those bullies, Sir Potter."

"It was my pleasure, Milady." Hermione blushed, and Harry thought, "Wow, she is cute ..."

**"Hey! Earth to Harry! Wake up, meathead! Don't you still have to return her book to her, ya numbskull? I agree that she's cute, but you have to pay attention to what you're doing!"**

"Oh … your book … 'Lord of the Rings'?"

"And whatever is wrong with 'Lord of the Rings', Harry?"

"Nothing at all! I have a friend who has read through it, he recommended it to me, and I enjoyed it … great work."

**"You're welcome."**

Hermione extended her hand to Harry.

**"You're supposed to kiss it, ya lunk."**

He did so, she smiled, hugged him, and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you again, brave sir knight. I hope to see you around."

Harry was so stunned he could only croak out, "That you will, Hermione, that you will." Merlin, he could look at her smile all day, he thought. After she left, Tommy spoke up again: **"Wowee, have you got it bad for her, or what?"**

"I do not!"

**"Yes, you do, don't deny it. You know it and I know it. Your pulse was racing during all that time that you spent with her. She's cute too, at this age. Just wait until she grows up fully, and she'll be a knockout, I guarantee it! I even sense your magic calling for hers, and vice versa. She's very attracted to you, Harry, as much as you are to her. Now, you may still be too young to get your giggity on, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't know something about the birds and the bees."**

"The birds and the bees?"

**"It's an expression for the talk kids get about human reproduction ..." **With this statement, Tommy launched into a talk about magical human reproduction, which, for the record, isn't that much different than Muggle reproduction, with the exception of Bonds becoming involved – that is, the magic of two people mixing together in such a way that they literally are Bonded together as one, and this does not even involve intercourse. Tommy didn't know much about Bonds, except for the general theory. Harry's face felt beet-red through the entire discussion. As far as Hermione was concerned, Tommy promised that he would look into the possible situation between these two – he suspected there was a Bond starting to form, but he wasn't entirely sure...


	4. Chapter 4

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. I thought it was amazing that I was able to write and upload two chapters in one day – I had never done that before! Except for the occasional spelling or grammar mistake, the whole story seems to be running smoothly, so I'm quite content to keep the ball rolling. I bet by this point, many of you have probably guessed which actor I would want to play the voice of Tommy Riddle (I left a giant hint for you back in Chapter 2). I can't possibly thank my fans enough! :) Your positive reviews make the whole endavor worthwhile!**

"**Would you know my name … if I saw you in Heaven?" – Eric Clapton**

**Chapter 4**

"Tommy?"

**"What's the matter, Harry? You can't sleep again?"**

"Nope. The butterflies in my stomach are still acting up."

**"You still can't get Hermione out of your mind, am I right?"**

"Yeah … she's just … so … I don't know how exactly to describe her ..."

**"I think the words you may be looking for include angelic and beautiful, among others. I told you that you have it bad for her."**

"You're right about that, Tommy. Out of curiosity, have you ever been in love?"

**"No, Harry, I never have. I thought of love as a weakness, and so, I was never interested in it. My hatred and anger were all I had going for me."**

"Even during the time when you were still young, charismatic, and good-looking, you weren't interested?"

**"Nope."**

"Didn't you have any parents to tell you about love?"

**"Like you, Harry, I was an orphan from a young age. My mother, a witch named Merope Gaunt, died giving birth to me. As for my father, a Muggle named Tom Riddle, he abandoned her while she was still pregnant with me. I never knew either of them."**

"So, where did you grow up?"

**"I grew up in a Muggle orphanage. They treated me okay, but I hated it. I hated the other kids who lived there. They would pick on me in so many ways because I was so strange to them. Then, one day, Albus Dumbledore came to see me. He explained everything about me being a wizard, someone special. So, up to Hogwarts I went."**

"What's Hogwarts like?"

**"That question can be answered in so many ways, Harry. What's Hogwarts like? It's like no other place on earth. It's an ancient castle built up in the highlands of Scotland, dating from the Middle Ages about 1,000 years ago. Being ancient, it's full of so much magic, it almost seems to come alive. It has one of the best libraries available in all of Magical Britain, the food is to die for, and the classes … you'll learn so much in the classes! You won't learn anything of the Dark Arts, except as far as countering the Dark Arts goes – that's what you learn Defense Against the Dark Arts for."**

"This is because the Dark Arts are forbidden knowledge?"

**"Yep … the Ministry doesn't want anyone to learn about the Dark Arts. There is some info available on the Dark Arts, but it's in the Restricted Section of the library. Madam Pince, the librarian, is a vulture about the books and will go batty on you if you so much as mutilate one of them, not that you'd ever do that, right, Harry?"**

"Of course not. Tell me more, Tommy – I'm enjoying this."

**"So am I, Harry. Where was I? Oh, yeah. There are four Houses in Hogwarts: Gryffindor, for the noble and brave, Hufflepuff, for the hardworking and loyal, Ravenclaw, for the intelligent and studious, and, last, but not least, Slytherin, for the cunning and ambitious. Guess which House yours truly entered?"**

"Slytherin."

**"Hey – that's right! How did you know?"**

"Gryffindor wouldn't have suited you, Tommy, because even though no one could accuse you of being a coward, you probably thought of them as being the brainless types who were reckless in the face of danger. Hufflepuffs may be loyal, but there does come a point where loyalty can blind a person. That leaves it between Ravenclaw and Slytherin, and it seemed you would go into Slytherin, given your cunning and ambition."

**"Indeed. I was also a Slytherin for another reason – you see, my family on my mom's side was descended from Salazar Slytherin, and, because of this, I had the gift of Parseltongue – the ability to talk to snakes. When the Sorting Hat was placed on my head, it only took two seconds before it shouted that I belonged in Slytherin."**

"Didn't any girls show any interest in you then?"

**"There was one, and she was a prettty Muggle-born in Ravenclaw. She was smart as a whip. Come to think of it, she could be distantly related to Hermione."**

"Why do you say that?"

**"Her name was Ophelia Granger. Wow, it's funny – seems the family likes the Shakespearean names."**

"What happened to her?"

**"Well, some of the Slytherin females must have thought I was in love with her, or something similar, despite all my protests to the contrary. All I felt for her was a great admiration, and, who knows, over time, it may have turned into love."**

"Were they jealous?"

**"Eh, perhaps they were, or I think they just didn't like the idea that I could sully my blood with a Muggle-born, of all people. I didn't have any such prejudice back then – I didn't even know about my family until later. Either way, they didn't like the situation, and so, they cornered her … and they tortured her into madness!"**

At this point, Tommy started weeping. When he was done crying, Harry asked, "So, what did you do to them?"

**"I was so angry I could have killed them right then and there for what they did to her, Harry, but I didn't kill them. Regardless, my vengeance was so terrible, they ended up in St. Mungo's beyond any hope of recovery. Harry, you won't let the same thing happen to Hermione at Hogwarts, will you?"**

"Most assuredly not, Tommy. I'll protect her with my life if I have to."

**"I'm glad to hear that, Harry. At least, you are able to love and be loved, something I was never able to do."**

"You never had the opportunity, Tommy, but had it arrived, you would have taken it, right?"

**"I don't know if I would have or not, Harry. We can't know what might have happened if things had been different, but to this day I regret the fact that I let such a thing happen to Ophelia. Even though I claim that I never loved and was not interested, I think that was the closest I ever came to it. I was never the same man afterwards. Get yourself some sleep, Harry. You can't let your inner Casanova out to play if you're yawning, now, can you?"**

"Good night, Tommy."

**"Good night, Harry. Sweet dreams."**

~DAHP~

As Tommy had guessed, there was an attraction between Harry and Hermione, and it grew day by day between the two kids. One day, Hermione asked Harry, "Harry, how would you like to meet my parents?"

"Your parents?" Harry's mind started to go into a panic, as he thought, "Tommy, what now?"

**"Relax, Harry, you haven't done anything wrong."**

"Harry, are you allright?"

"Sorry, Hermione, your question just threw me off balance, that's all. Are you sure your parents would like me?"

"Of course I'm sure they would like you! I don't see why they would not like you, Harry. You've been a very brave young boy and they want to meet you, considering that you saved me from a gang of bullies. How did you do that, by the way?"

"Do what?"

"Well, one moment, you commanded Piers to stop and return my book. He didn't listen, so the next moment, he's on the ground howling with a broken kneecap. How did you do that?"

"It may seem like I'm evading your question with my response, Hermione, but it leads somewhere. What if I were to tell you that the Force from Star Wars actually exists?"

"Without proof, I would have a hard time believing you, although I think it does make sense that way."

"Well, the Force does exist, but it's known by a different name: magic. There are some people, like the both of us, who are born with the capability to interact with magic, and others who are not able to interact with it."

"What do you mean, the both of us?"

"Has something ever happened to you that you couldn't explain, Hermione? Especially when you were angry or scared?"

Hermione's eyes lighted up in understanding. "Yes, a few such things have happened. That's magic?"

"To be technical, Hermione, it's called accidental magic, and it's one of the first signs that a person is what would be called a magical person – a wizard or a witch. There's a special school for us, called Hogwarts, but we won't be going there until we're 11 years old."

"I take it whatever hit Piers was controlled accidental magic – the odds of you hitting that very spot by chance alone are astronomical."

"Yes, but the accurate term for it is wandless magic. This is magic that is not focused through a wand, but focused through the body by way of intent, as well as connection with the magic within the magical core."

"Can you teach me how to cast magic like that? How do I start?" asked Hermione.

"Yes, I can, Hermione," said Harry with a smile. "Now, to start, relax and start focusing on your breathing … in … out … in … out … keep going, just relax …." Harry waited a bit while Hermione started to relax, and continued, "Very good, Hermione. Do you feel any kind of an electrical pulse within you?" She nodded. "Good … in your mind, follow it to its source, and you'll find your magical core. To connect with it, just reach out and touch it."

Hermione did so, as at the same time, her body and eyes started glowing, and Harry had to shield his eyes. **"Santo Merlino, Harry, she's powerful!"**

"Hermione, how are you feeling?"

"Wow, Harry, such power! Is this your magic I'm feeling around my magic?"

"Yes, I believe it is, and your magic's swirling around mine as well."

"Harry? I'm not the only one who's glowing here … it's like our magics are trying to merge with each other."

**"Harry, it looks like my suspicion is confirmed. Follow the connection between the two of you, and this Bond will complete with your first kiss. Meanwhile, I'm going to bunker down here in your mind and brace myself … I've never considered myself religious, but here I go … Ave Maria, piena di grazia, il Signore ****è**** con Te. Tu sei benedetta fra le donne, e benedetto ****è**** il frutto del tuo seno, Ges****ù****. Santa Maria, Madre di Dio, prega per noi peccatori, adesso, e nell'ora della nostra morte. Amen ..."**

During Tommy's desperate prayer of the Hail Mary, the distance between Harry and Hermione decreased until, drawn by the increasing attraction, they kissed. At that moment, a large wave of black and golden magic flowed forth from the two of them, knocking the wards off of 4 Privet Drive and stunning the Dursleys. At Hogwarts, the wave shook the castle, and a set of instruments in Headmaster Albus Dumbledore's office exploded with such violence that even his great power could not save him from a coma of two months!

~DAHP~

**"Harry? Harry, are you still there?"**

"Oy … my head … you still there, Tommy? You sounded scared."

**"Scared? OF COURSE I WAS SCARED! I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE WHAT A BOND WOULD DO TO US!"**

"Well, you're allright, Tommy, so what is there to worry about?"

_"Harry? What's going on? Who's the other person here talking to you?"_

"Hermione, this other person is my mentor, savior, and father figure, Tommy Riddle."

**"Correction, Harry … I am your father ..."** said Tommy in a voice like Darth Vader's, complete with the mechanical breathing.

_"I take it you're also a fan of Star Wars, Tommy?"_

**"You bet, Hermione. Star Wars ****is just awesome."**

"Hermione? You still up for having me visit your parents?"

_"Of course, Harry. Let's go."_

~DAHP~

As Harry and Hermione entered her house, she called out, "Mum, are you there?"

Emma Granger came out of the kitchen into the living room. "Hermione, I'm glad to see you're back! And who is this dashing young man you've brought home with you?"

"Harry Potter, ma'am. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintence," said Harry, bowing to her with a heart-melting smile on his face.

Emma smiled. "You're really quite the charmer, Harry. My name is Dr. Emma Granger."

"Medical doctor, dentist, or professor?" asked Harry.

"My husband Dan and I are both dentists, Harry."

At this bit of news, Tommy started cackling in glee. **"Oh, Harry, this is just excellent! I've heard about how terrifying dentists can be to their patients … with a slip-up about how Vernon's mistreated you and a simple dental appointment, we'll just need a bag of popcorn for a night of wonderful entertainment!"**

_"Harry, what did he mean about Vernon mistreating you?"_

"I'll explain later, Hermione," thought Harry to her.

At that moment, Dan Granger entered the house. "Good afternoon, Emma … Hermione … and who be this young fellow, eh?" he asked, putting forth his hand in a handshake position.

Harry, not one to miss a social cue, grabbed the hand and shook it, saying, "Harry Potter, sir. I'm a friend of Hermione's."

"That's quite the firm grip you have there, Harry," said Dan, smiling. "My name is Dr. Dan Granger. I'm quite glad to hear that Hermione has finally made one friend … she's seemed so lonely before she met you."

"Thank you, sir."

"You may call me Dan, Harry. Emma, I'm sure there should be enough food for all four of us, if Harry wants to stay for dinner?"

"Of course, dear."

"That's settled, then. Would you like to stick around, Harry? We would like to know more about our daughter's young friend."

Harry smiled … he had never known such welcoming Muggles in his life. "Of course, Dan. It would be my pleasure."

~DAHP~

The dinner went very well for the four people involved, with laughter ringing all around the table. As the meal ended, Dan decided to say, "Well, Harry, what can you tell us about your family?"

"I don't know that much about my family, Dan, but what I do know is this: my father, James Potter, and my mother, Lily Potter, are both dead, so I have had to live with my Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia."

"We're so sorry to hear that, Harry," said Emma, as Hermione gave him a hug. "Do they at least treat you well?"

**"I don't know why I never thought of it before, Harry, but Muggle law has severe penalties for child abuse. Tell them … I have a sense that they're on our side."**

"No, they didn't, Emma. Vernon Durlsey once beat me so bad, I almost died."

This bit of news was quite the shock for the Grangers to hear. Both Enma and Hermione surrounded Harry in a hug, and Dan's eyes darkened in anger, much to Tommy's amusement. Trying to stay calm, but with his anger coming through nonetheless, Dan asked, "Why would they do that to you, Harry?"

"They're afraid of me, Dan, and they hate me because I'm what would be called a wizard – a person who is able to interact with magic. You've seen Star Wars, I assume?" There were nods around the table. "That's the easiest way I have to explain what magic is – it's like The Force from Star Wars. Some people – like myself and Hermione – are able to interact with it, and others – like the Dursleys – are not. The latter are called Muggles."

"How did you survive the beating? You said you almost died, Harry."

"To answer that question, I'll need to call out a friend of mine … hold on." Harry thought to Tommy, "Are you ready to come out, Tommy? Are you sure this can work?"

**"I'm ready, Harry, but know that I won't be entirely solid. At least, I'll be able to communicate this way."**

Magical energy started to flow out of Harry to form the figure of a sixteen year old boy in Hogwarts robes, with jet-black hair and dark eyes. "Good evening, Dr. Granger. My name is Tommy Riddle."

"Tommy, what goes for Harry goes for you as well. You may call us by our first names. Out of curiosity, what are you? A ghost?"

Tommy smiled. "No, Dan, I ain't a ghost. A certain Dark Lord named Lord Voldemort was the one to kill Harry's parents, and he tried to kill Harry as well, but failed. A piece of his soul – namely, yours truly – attached itself to Harry. When Harry was about to die, I had to do something to save him, so I joined myself to him, saving his life and healing his body. I've been alongside him ever since. I've been teaching him and training him so he can survive, as well as helping him take these blocks off of his magical core – the part of him that enables him to interact with magic. The reason for blocks on a child's magical core is to keep down the damage from any bouts of what is known as accidental magic – magic flaring out due to strong emotions and a fluctuating core. As time goes on, the parents will slowly take the blocks off to give the core room to grow. The problem is that a certain Manipulative Old Prick by the name of Albus Dumbledore – excuse my French, ladies – blocked Harry's core at 25% and left it there. If he was to go to Hogwarts in that state, he would be a weakling, and the only way he would survive would be by sheer dumb luck!"

There were gasps all around the table. "Is he crazy or something?" asked Hermione. "What could he possibly be thinking?"

"I don't exactly know his plans, Hermione. Maybe he plans to have Harry die, maybe he plans to be looked on as Harry's hero or something, but I don't trust that MOP as far as I could throw him! There is some good news though, Hermione. As soon as I found out about this, I made a plan to slowly take off the blocks, about five percent at a time, giving him about a month to adjust to his new power level. When Harry first met Hermione, I sensed that their magics were wanting to Bond together. In other words, they were attracted to one another."

"Love at first sight – is that it, Tommy?" asked Emma.

"If you want to call it that, sure. I only know the general theory of what are called Bonds. When Harry helped Hermione discover her magical core and connect to it, she noticed the attraction and followed through by kissing him. Not knowing how this would affect me, I was scared. They are now united with each other by their magic, and when Harry takes up his lordship at age 11, Hermione will become his Lady. I know this is a lot to take in, Dan and Emma, but consider that you now have a son-in-law who will do all within his power to protect Hermione, not to mention you'll have the next few years to REALLY get to know him."

For a few moments, the atmosphere was so quiet that the only thing that could be heard was the chirping of crickets. Harry was quite nervous, not sure how the Grangers would react to Tommy laying all the cards on the table like this … would he be thrown out? Would Hermione be thrown out with him? His fears proved to be entirely unfounded, however, when he heard Dan say, "Harry, I hope you aren't scared of hugs, are you?"

"I'm slowly getting used to them, Dan. I won't have a problem with one if it's warm … why do you ask?"

Extending his arms as if to welcome Harry, Dan said with a smile, "Come here, Harry." Harry did so, and Dan picked him up in a hug, firm yet warm. "Harry, Emma and I are going to make sure you never have to go to the Dursleys again … we promise it. Welcome to the family, son."

Harry did not know what to say to this, but this offer of a loving family was so overwhelming that he wept as Dan comforted him in his arms. Even Tommy's eyes seemed moist as he said, "Thank you, Dan, Emma, and Hermione, for your warm and loving hospitality, and, since I'm with Harry, we both will accept it with all our gratitude. Hermione, you'll be pleased to know that the Bond shattered the blocks on Harry's magic, so it's now at full capacity. Also, the wards – or shields – around 4 Privet Drive, have also been blasted off of the house, so I'm hoping that will make it harder for the MOP to interfere. So, Dan, Emma, tell us, I bet you have something awesome in mind for the Dursleys?"

The smiles on the faces of Dan and Emma were manic, cold, and feral, as they both said, "The Dursleys will be going away for a long time!"

"Excellent ..." said Harry, Hermione, and Tommy in unison. Everyone laughed.

Meanwhile, at 4 Privet Drive, Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley looked with fear at the thunderstorm that had brewed up in the area, and they shivered, feeling as if someone had walked over their graves ...


	5. Chapter 5

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. One person (Daughter of sea and wisdom) asked the quick question, "Is Tommy a good part of Voldemort?" My answer to that question is yes and no. I know that sounds a bit ambiguous, so let me explain: Tommy is good in the sense that he wants to help Harry (and doesn't have a general problem with Muggles and Muggle-borns). He also wants to get rid of Lord Voldemort, recognizing him as a bad guy. On the other hand, he isn't good in the sense that he is willing to lead Harry to the Dark Side, and use it as a means to his end. In fact, he's willing to use all means at his disposal. He's not entirely good, and yet he's not entirely evil either. To minerdude, I guess Tommy couldn't really fit Ophelia Granger into his conversation; maybe he thought it may be a touchy issue. We'll have to wait and see if it comes up. :) And dbzgtfan2004, give yourself a Pat on the back, because you correctly guessed who's the actor to play Tommy's voice! WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! You know, it is a funny coincidence that the two characters (the Goodfellas one and Tommy in this one) have the same first names! I just like Joe Pesci … great actor, hands down! BOO-YEAH!**

"**I used to be a loudmouth … remember me?  
><strong>**I'm the one who burned your house down … well, I'm out now!  
><strong>**And this time, I'm coming back to blow your house up,  
><strong>**And I ain't gonna leave you a window to jump out of!" – Eminem**

**Chapter 5**

_"Harry, I must admit, you make a nice pillow."_

Harry woke up to see Hermione directly on top of him, her bushy hair blocking his view. He mentally responded with, "And Hermione, you make a very warm blanket. Wow, a bloke could get used to this ..."

**"Yeah, I can imagine how much better it's gonna be when puberty hits for the two of you lovebirds. I bet you two slept well?"**

"Very well, Tommy."

_"Agreed, Tommy. What's on our agenda for today?"_

**"Excellent question, Hermione. First, we need to look at our finances, then we have some shopping to do."**

"Shopping?" The word set off alarm bells in Harry's head. "What kind of shopping are we talking about Tommy? Clothes?" Tommy didn't respond for a bit. "Tommy, what's taking you so long?"

**"Hold on just a minute, meathead, I'm thinking! Madonn', I'm afraid I just about walked into a friggin' minefield here … it wasn't exactly on the itinerary, but I guess we could stop for some clothes, both wizarding and Muggle. How can you expect to look respectable wearing the fat whale's castoffs, Harry?"**

"Excellent point, Tommy. What do you think, Hermione?" Hermione, for her part, could hardly speak … in fact, with a squeal, she pounced on Harry and gave him a resounding kiss.

**"Oh, before I forget, Hermione, there will be a stop at a bookstore involved as well."** This got Harry another kiss, and Harry thought, "You're really enjoying this, Tommy, aren't you?"

**"Naturally, Harry. The endorphins secreted by all the pleasure you share gives me an amazing high. Go ahead, Hermione, plant another one on us."** Hermione complied with a smile. **"Oh, yeah, that's the stuff ..."**

~DAHP~

"Good morning, Harry … Hermione … did you two have a good sleep?" asked Dan and Emma.

"Wonderful, thanks," was the response.

"So, Harry, what's the general plan for today?" asked Dan.

"After breakfast and tea, Dan. I'm not entirely myself until I've had breakfast and tea."

This was soon taken care of, and Emma repeated, "What's the general plan?"

Harry said, "Dan, Emma, we're gonna need to head out to Gringotts to check my finances, then, we have some shopping to do."

"I never heard of Gringotts before," said Dan.

"That's because it's a wizard's bank, Dan," replied Harry. With a wave of his hand, he transfigured their clothes into wizarding robes. "This should help us blend in. There are also hoods to hide our faces, which should be helpful for me, guessing that I'm some kind of celebrity there."

"These are kind of cool, Harry … but how are we getting there? Do you know where we're going?"

"Tommy knows, and he'll be guiding us as we Apparate out there. Simply put, Apparation is a form of magical transport in which a magical person can project the body a certain distance away. I do warn you that it can be uncomfortable the first time, so I'll be Apparating out to an alley nearby."

"Harry," asked Hermione, "are you sure you can transport all of us in one go?"

"Yes, Hermione, I am sure. Now, everybody grab a hold, and whatever you do, don't let go!"

The next moment, the group disappeared into a black and gold cloud.

~DAHP~

The black and gold cloud moved along at a phenomenal speed out to London's Charing Cross road, where it revealed two magical people and two Muggles in an alley. The two Muggles looked a bit green in the face.

"Dad! Mum! Are you two allright?" asked Hermione.

"We'll be allright, pumpkin," panted Dan. "Just give us … a chance … to breathe ..."

A few minutes later, the green color receded as Dan and Emma felt better.

"Thank you for warning us about the possible nausea, Harry … you were right, it can be unpleasant at first," said Emma.

"You're welcome, Emma. Hoods up, everyone."

**"Harry? Hermione? The two of you are going to be taking the front position and clearing the way for Dan and Emma. Direct some magic toward your eyes until they start to glow … yes, that's it, bravi! Onward to The Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley!"**

"Dan, Emma, follow us, and don't look too … touristy," said Harry with a smile. "Let's go."

~DAHP~

As the four walked into the bar and hotel known as The Leaky Cauldron, the patrons were naturally curious about these strangers with hoods. Upon seeing two pairs of glowing eyes, one green, the other brown, the crowd that would have gathered parted like the Red Sea before Moses, giving the four more than enough room to maneuver towards the brick wall at the back. Harry reached out with his magical senses and, sensing the bricks to touch, sent a small amount of magic to lightly touch them. When he did so, the wall opened up to reveal Diagon Alley, the academic shopping district of Britain's Magical World. The four were amazed by the sights and sounds, but there was business to be done. With a little direction from Tommy, they made their way to a large marble-white building named Gringotts.

Harry stopped the group and turned to them. He said, "Okay, Tommy suggested we stop for a few pointers on etiquette. The bankers of the Wizarding World are these short creatures known as goblins. They are to be treated with a great amount of respect, for there have been plenty of wars between wizards and goblins over this very issue. When greeting a goblin, the custom is to bow as a sign of respect. Goblins value honesty, respect, and, of course, politeness, so, showing these qualities will help us and give them more reasons to look upon us with favor. Smiling is okay, but do not, under any circumstances, show your teeth when you smile, because they consider that a sign of aggression. Last of all, they will defend themselves with extreme prejudice if provoked, so don't give them a reason to do so. Are there any questions?" Everyone shook their head in the negative. "Oh, just one last tidbit about the goblins … they're serious about their security. Tommy tells me anybody would be crazy to try to rob the place. Also, we might as well take off our hoods before we enter … "

~DAHP~

Entering Gringotts, Harry, Hermione, Dan, and Emma walked up to the nearest Goblin teller they could find. As the group bowed as a unit, Harry spoke up. "Master Goblin, may your gold flow and prosper."

The goblin was stunned to hear the politeness in the voice of this young boy, not to mention the greeting, which itself was quite standard in the goblin language known as Gobbledegook, but sounded formal when spoken in human tongues such as English. Smiling, he replied to Harry, "May your anger crush your enemies, young master wizard. How may Gringotts be of service to a polite young man such as yourself?"

"Master Goblin, my name is Harry James Potter, scion of the Potter family, and I have come to Gringotts today to take a look at my finances, please, if it would be no trouble."

"It is no trouble at all, Master Potter. Follow me, please." He led them to a private office, and, as he sat down, said, "Gringotts was sad to hear of the passing of your parents, but we are glad to know that a Potter still lives, because your family has been one of our best customers in terms of monetary value. For the record, Master Potter, my name is Griphook. May I ask who these people are accompanying you?"

Hermione stepped forward, and bowed. "Master Griphook, my name is Hermione Jean Potter, née Granger, the Bondmate of Harry James Potter, and as such, future Lady of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter. The other two with us are my parents, Dan and Emma Granger." Dan and Emma bowed yet again to him.

Griphook smiled. "Only one bow is really necessary at the beginning of a meeting, but your politeness and respect is so refreshing to see. Too often have wizards come up to us, acting like they own the place and demanding our service, forgetful of the fact that Gringotts is sovreign territory of the Goblin Nation, and it is only by the Nation's good graces that we even agree to be their bankers, or even let them step foot here." His face turned pensive. "Hmm … Granger … that name hasn't been heard often in Gringotts … it's been a while since we've last seen one here … Mr. Granger, you and your wife are Muggles, if I guess right?"

"Yes, Master Griphook," replied Dan. "Why do you ask?"

"Simple curiosity, Mr. Granger. It matters little to us whether our customers are Muggle or magical, as long as business is being done. And since you are now related to young Master Potter, that gives us even more incentive to treat you with all the fairness we can … speaking of Master Potter ..."

Before Griphook could say anything more, a back door opened to reveal a stately goblin clothed in what could be called the goblin equivalent of royal clothing. Griphook, seeing the newcomer, prostrated himself to the ground. "Milord Ragnok! If I may be so bold to ask, what brings you here?"

"Arise, Griphook. Somehow, the news spread that Harry Potter finally made it to Gringotts to see us, so I thought I might as well meet him and help him out in any way I can."

Ragnok turned his gaze to the quartet, who bowed again. "Lord Ragnok," said Harry, "you grace me and my family with your presence. May I present to you my Bondmate, Hermione Jean Potter, née Granger, and her parents, Dan and Emma Granger?"

"It is my great pleasure to meet all of you, and I must correct you, young Master Potter, it is you and yours who grace me with your presence. Please, sit." They did so. "Master Potter, may I ask how old you are?"

"I am seven years old, Lord Ragnok."

"If it's not too improper of a question, how old is the future Lady Potter?"

Hermione answered with a smile, "I am eight years old, Lord Ragnok."

These answers took Ragnok, Leader of the Goblin Nation, by great surprise as his eyes widened. "Magnum miraculum miraculorum," he whispered to himself in Latin, "iuvenes sunt, et iam sponsus et sponsa!" (Great marvel of marvels, they are young, and already husband and wife!)

Griphook was also shocked. "Milord?"

"Forgive me, Master Potter. It's just a shock to think that anyone could Bond that young, and yet, you are. It's so amazing … now, before we go any further, let's confirm your identity. Just provide some of your blood." Harry and Hermione did so using the knives provided, and two parchments printed out. "Okay, that's good news that your identities have been confirmed as you have said … good … " Ragnok continued to look through the parchments as his face took on a mirthful expression. "Will wonders never cease?"

Harry said, "Lord Ragnok, exactly what are you smiling about?"

"Master Potter, it turns out that between you and your Lady, you own the ancient castle known as Hogwarts."

This news was too much for Harry and Hermione, who fainted on the spot.

~DAHP~

A couple moments later, they came out of their faint. "Dan," asked Harry, "did I hear what I thought I heard?"

Dan nodded. "I have a hard time believing it myself, but it's apparently true."

"How is this possible, Lord Ragnok?" asked Hermione. "I'm just a Muggle-born."

"Milady, to quote your Muggle author Tolkien, 'all that is gold does not glitter.' You are, in fact, the Heiress of Ravenclaw, and Master Potter here is the Heir of Gryffindor by his father's line, Hufflepuff by his mother's line, and he has gained Slytherin by conquest of Lord Voldemort. Together, the two of you are not only the owners, but also the Lord and Lady of Hogwarts."

"Master Griphook, forgive my curiosity, but you said that the name Granger hasn't been heard in a while … who was the last Granger to come in here before we did?"

"Mr. Granger, the last magical person in your family was ..." Griphook looked at the parchment with Hermione's family tree, "your aunt, an Ophelia Granger. Apparently, she was in Ravenclaw, but some Slytherin females turned her mad via torture, unfortunately, so she never finished her education and lived out the rest of her days in a Muggle insane asylum. The females who tortured her ended up in St. Mungo's, the Wizarding hospital, beyond recovery."

"Is she still alive, Master Griphook?"

Griphook shook his head. "I am sorry … she died several years ago. She left a letter to one Harry Potter."

Harry was stunned. "I never knew her! How could she possibly write to me?"

"For all we know, Master Potter, she could have been able to see the future. If you want to read the letter aloud, you may."

Harry took the parchment offered him, and read:

"Dear Harry Potter, I know you may find it hard to believe, but I have seen your sad situation. Fortunately, you have also found my friend Tommy Riddle, who has attached himself to you and he will do all he can to protect and advise you, as well as be a constant source of entertainment when the mood strikes him. If I find him worthy of my trust, so can you. He may not be entirely good or entirely evil, but he will do what is necessary to make sure that you stay safe, happy, and alive.

Tommy, you need not fear that the goblins will harm you should you make an appearance. Your salvation of Harry from what he has suffered at the hands of his relatives speaks much about you. Do what you must to keep him going until he fully defeats Voldemort. On a more personal note, Tommy, as you know I didn't make it to our first Hogsmeade weekend during my third year, I was going to ..."

At that point, Harry choked up with tears and wept for about a minute as Hermione soothed him in a hug, patting his back. "Continue reading, Harry," she said.

" … I was going to confess to you that I had fallen in love with you, and I was hopeful that you felt the same for me. You and I could have had all the time in the world together, but, as you know, things didn't quite work out like either one of us wanted, did it? To quote a particular Muggle song ..."

Harry recognized the song as one that Tommy had sung to him on several occasions, so he and Hermione sang, with Dan and Emma joining in as they recognized it:

"Those were the days, my friend, we'd thought they'd never end,  
>We'd sing and dance forever and a day!<br>We'd lived the life we'd choose, we'd fight and never lose,  
>For we were young and sure to have our way!<br>Lai lai lai lai, lai lai, lai lai lai lai, lai lai,  
>Lai lai lai lai, lai lai lai lai lai lai!<br>Lai lai lai lai, lai lai, lai lai lai lai, lai lai,  
>Those were the days, oh, yes, those were the days!"<p>

**"Harry, she was really a beautiful singer. Great singing, you two."**

_"Thanks, Tommy. Are you okay?"_Hermione asked him mentally.

**"I'll be fine, Hermione … it's just … thinking about her makes my heart ache ..."** Harry, for his part, couldn't keep the tears from flowing out of his eyes as Hermione hugged him. _"It's allright to cry, Harry … I don't think any less of you or Tommy for your sadness."_

"Emma, can you finish this?" asked Harry.

"Sure, Harry," she said, taking the letter from Harry. She started reading, "To my great-niece Hermione, I am sorry that I won't get to meet you, but at least I am glad that you've met Harry. What I have to say to you may be less than to Harry or to Tommy, but it is no less important: take care of them, especially Harry. Love will always remain, even when faith and hope are gone. I love you all, Ophelia Granger. P.S., I have left two musical locket necklaces with a picture of Tommy and me in each."

Griphook and Ragnok came forward with the two necklaces, handing them to Harry and Hermione. Hermione tried prying hers open, but to no avail. "Hermione," Harry said, "I think she might have meant for it to be opened by Parseltongue." He then hissed at his necklace, "§Open!§"

The locket opened, and soft music started to play, as if from a music box. Within the locket was a double picture – on one side, Tommy, on the other, Ophelia. Hermione, upon opening her locket, found that she had the same double picture. Closing their lockets, Harry looked at Ragnok and said, "Thank you, Lord Ragnok."

"You're welcome, Master Potter. Ah, Griphook, good to see you're back with the account statements."

"Yes, milord. Here you go."

Ragnok looked through the account statements, and what he saw there turned his face a furious shade of red, as for the next few minutes, he roared out a line of untranslatable and unprintable obscenities in Gobbledegook – a very unpleasant sound indeed.

Harry looked at Ragnok with an understandable amount of fear. "Tommy," he thought, "what did Ragnok just say?"

**"Harry, I don't think any of us wants to know, but whomever he's mad at is in a whole heap of trouble. What do you want to bet that he's mad at the MOP?"** he asked, quite excited by the prospect.

"I don't know, but I think I agree with you. Hermione?"

_"I think Tommy's right as well, Harry. I don't know who else would be the ultimate target, seeing how Dumbledore has already messed up your life."_

Ragnok turned a baleful eye on Griphook. "Griphook, you'd better pray you're not the one responsible for this … GET YOUR SUBORDINATES IN HERE IMMEDIATELY, ESPECIALLY ANYONE WHO HAS ACCESS TO THE POTTER VAULT!" Griphook ran out of there like the Devil was after him, as Ragnok explained, "Master Potter, according to these account statements, someone has been stealing from your vault. We at Gringotts take our security very seriously, and whichever goblin or goblins responsible will be decapitated."

"Lord Ragnok, do you mind if I do the honors on interrogation?"

"Be my guest, Master Potter. You have carte blanche to do what you see fit to find the answers we seek."

"Excellent." Harry put on his hood, directed his magic to his eyes, and dived into the interrogation with a fierce gusto, Tommy providing support for any Legilimency, breaking into the minds of these goblins to find the answers, especially with those who were lying or just stubborn. By the end of the interrogation, three goblins were being led off to their deaths (Griphook was innocent), and Harry had come out with one name: Albus Dumbledore.

"Apparently, Master Potter, it seems that a lot of this money has been going to the Weasley family, as well as to the Dursleys, your relatives, for your room and board."

This brought an explosion from Harry. "WHAT? THEY COMPLAINED THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF ME, AND THEY WERE PAID FROM MY VAULT? THEY STUCK ME IN A CRAMPED LITTLE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS, AND AS FOR FOOD, THEY BARELY GAVE ME ENOUGH TO EAT!"

"Is this true?" asked Ragnok. His face was starting to turn red again.

Tommy decided to appear. "Not only is it true, Your Lordship, that's not the worst of it. His Uncle Vernon looks like a fat walrus, and his cousin Dudley looks like a fat whale. I'm sure they had more than enough to feed themselves and Harry."

"Of course, in a large part due to unauthorized withdrawals from Master Potter's vault," growled Ragnok. "Continue, Master Riddle. I assume this gets worse?"

"I'm afraid so, Lord Ragnok. His cousin Dudley and his gang would chase him around town, threatening to beat the snot out of him if they caught him – fortunately, they never caught him. Whenever Harry would do something wrong or 'freakish', as that fat walrus prick – excuse my language, Your Lordship – put it, he would get beaten with a belt. One such beating was so brutal, he almost died. If it was not for me, he WOULD have died!"

Ragnok's rage was plain to see on his face as he said, "Abuse and neglect of a minor, not to mention attempted murder, all on money provided by Gringotts. There's also ..." a smile broke out on his face, though it was feral, "the matter of neglecting to pay the rent on 4 Privet Drive."

"What?" asked Harry. "Who owns it?"

"You do, as a matter of fact."

"Have them pay the rent, with interest. If they can't pay it, or refuse, throw them out."

"Done and done. What do you want done with Dumbledore and the Weasleys?"

"Claim all properties he bought with my money and any of my property he stole from me. Use the money from his vault to pay the debt he owes me … all the money he stole plus interest. His last gift from me and Gringotts should be a lump sum of 30 silver Sickles. If you want to toss in banning him for life, I will have no objection. As for the Weasleys, stop the payments to them from my vault … that will be sufficient for now. Besides, they haven't harmed me, unlike the Dursleys and Dumbledore."

"There is also a marriage contract written between you and one Ginevra Molly Weasley, however, your Bond has rendered that null and void, so that's a moot point. As far as Dumbledore is concerned, I do plan to give him a lifetime ban from Gringotts, besides all that you've asked. We're also getting your key back from him." A key appeared on the table. "That key rightfully belongs to you."

Harry took the key. "Thank you for all your wonderful service, Lord Ragnok."

"You're welcome, Master Potter. Just one last gift for you before you go to your vault … I have here a communication mirror for you … to contact me, simply say, 'Ragnok' and I'll answer as soon as I possibly can. If I, or anyone else, is trying to call you on one of these, it will simply heat up. The name of the person calling will show up on it and you'll have to press a button at the top to signify acceptance."

"Again, thank you." The group left, went to the Potter trust vault, got some money, and left Gringotts. Out in Diagon Alley, they got a number of school materials, except for their wands, and some other things, like a Pensieve for Harry and a number of magical books. Back at home, Tommy helped Harry extract some memories to put into the Pensieve (a bowl used for storing memories and sifting through them), then sent him in there with a camera to take pictures to deliver to the police. Finally, Harry went out to Surrey's police station to drop off the pictures. The next morning, the Chief Constable, looking through the pictures, decided to gather up a police unit to visit the Dursleys.

All the pieces were falling into place for the Dursleys to take their final fall ...


	6. Chapter 6

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. Thank you to all my fans, it's amazing how many people are adding this story either to their Favorites or Story Alerts (some have even added me as a Favorite Author.) Angel Girl5, your review just had me laughing so much – how exactly is Tommy going to deal with these lovebirds when they start getting their giggity on? (OH!) At this point in the story, I don't have any idea, and we won't find out for a while, because they're still too young! If you think they're gonna start getting freaky this early, stop and get your minds out of the gutter. And, yes, I can see how Tommy in their heads in such a moment would be just … disturbing … but potentially funny!**

"**I send not to know for whom the bell tolls … it tolls for thee." – John Donne**

**Chapter 6**

As Harry was finishing his breakfast this stormy morning, the phone rang.

Dan made it to the phone. "Granger residence, Dr. Granger speaking."

"Ah, good morning, Dr. Granger, this is the Surrey chief constable. May I speak with a Master Harry Potter?"

Dan's eyes widened. "Certainly, sir … just a moment." Looking at Harry, he said, "Harry, it's the chief constable of Surrey, he wants to speak with you."

Harry accepted the phone. "Good morning, Chief Constable, this is Harry Potter speaking. How may I be of service?"

"Master Potter, last night I received a rather disturbing package with photos in it of a young boy who looked malnourished and abused. I wanted to call to confirm what I read about them in the accompanying letter. This young boy was you?"

"Yes, sir, chief constable, it was."

"You are living with the Grangers now, is that right?"

"Yes, sir, chief constable."

"We have several warrants for the arrest of the Dursleys. Before we pay them a visit, we would like to stop by your place to talk over plans … assuming you want to be there."

"I would be more than happy to be there with you, chief constable. Let me ask Dr. Granger if it's okay for you to visit." Covering the phone, Harry looked at Dan. "Dan, they want to visit us to talk over plans."

"These plans concern the Dursleys, right?" Harry nodded. "Yes, the police may come."

"Excellent … chief constable? Dr. Granger has given his permission, so your proposed visit is a go! I repeat, your visit is a go!"

"We'll be over in about ten minutes, Master Potter. Over and out."

~DAHP~

The chief constable was better than his word to Harry … he and the crew he had gathered made it to the Granger residence in five minutes.

"Excellent timing, chief constable … you made it here in half the time you said you would," Harry said, giving a crisp military salute in greeting.

"It was just an estimate. You are Master Harry James Potter, I presume?"

"Yes, sir, chief constable, I am the one and only Harry James Potter. With me are the Grangers … Hermione and her parents, Dr. Dan and Dr. Emma Granger."

"Well, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Chief Constable Rowley, and with me here are Constables Higgins, Holmes, and Watson."

"Good morning, Master Potter," they said.

"A pleasure to meet you gentlemen … shall we go inside?"

~DAHP~

When the four visitors were seated in chairs, Harry and Hermione sat down on a couch, rather close to each other. This did not go unnoticed, and there were grins of mirth on the constables's faces.

"She's sho' ta'en wi' you, ain't she, Master Po'er?" asked Constable Higgins.

"Yes, you could say she is, Constable …?"

"Me name's 'Iggins, Master Po'er. Constable Clyde 'Iggins."

"I say they act like a married couple, Holmes. What do you think?" asked Constable Watson.

"You are very close to the mark, Watson. They ARE a married couple," said Constable Holmes.

This brought gasps of shock from the other constables. "No blee'in' way can they be married, 'Olmes!" shouted Higgins.

"How can you be so sure about that, Holmes?" asked Watson, amazed.

"It's elementary, my dear Watson. Do you remember how last night the Chief Constable was looking for the files on these very people we're sitting across from?"

"Yes, we were having difficulty finding one Hermione Jean Granger in our files."

"Either she never existed to begin with, Watson, or she changed her name. Seeing how Hermione is here before us, that rules out the first option, and we are left with the change of name. Was she adopted, Dr. Granger?"

Dan answered, "No, Constable Holmes, Emma and I are her birth parents."

Holmes smiled. "Seeing the interaction between Harry and Hermione here only confirms my suspicion that they are married, but when we add in the fact that her file" – he brought it out – "says Hermione Jean POTTER, the suspicion becomes a certainty."

Harry looked at Constable Holmes, noting the cold hawk eyes and the sharp nose, not to mention the way the man's mind gave off a constant pulse of activity. "I would almost say you know too much, Constable Sherlock Holmes," he said with a grin.

Holmes matched Harry grin for grin. "You flatter me, Master Potter. It is not so much the knowledge I have, but the observations I make and what I can deduce from those observations. Higgins, Watson and I are Class M-W constables … we help deal with the citizens of Britain's Magical World."

"You can trust us to keep your secrets safe, Master Potter," said Rowley. "They have all taken oaths of silence concerning any magical activity they come across."

"Is that so, Chief Constable? Is this allowed under the Statute of Secrecy?" asked Hermione.

"That is correct, Lady Potter. The Ministry is in agreement that we can have a division for such situations as when we need to get to any of its citizens out in the Muggle world."

**"Even a cursory inspection of their minds shows impressive Occlumency shields for Muggles, Harry. I would not dare to try breaking into those minds."**

"Whyever not, Tommy?" thought Harry.

**"Two words: splitting headache."**

"So, Master Potter," said Rowley, "what's the plan?"

"It's simple: the four of you follow us to the Dursley residence at 4 Privet Drive. Dan, Emma, Hermione, and I will enter, and most likely, Vernon will threaten to call the cops. Once you hear a scream, that's when you come in, busting down the doors. We'll help subdue them if they give any trouble."

The group went outside. " 'Ow are you ge'ing there, Master Po'er? Are you going there by car?" asked Higgins.

Harry smiled. Grabbing Hermione and her parents, he said to them, eyes glowing, "Just follow the black and gold cloud."

"Follow the –? Oh, I see," said Watson as he saw a cloud envelop Harry, Hermione, and the Grangers.

"Well, what are we waiting for? After that cloud!" said Rowley.

Tommy started to sing, **"Follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the black and gold cloud! We're off to see the Dursleys ..."**

~DAHP~

Arriving at the Dursleys, Dan and Emma stepped forward and rang the doorbell. It was Vernon who answered the door. "Why, Dr. Granger, it's so nice to see you! Please, come in."

"Thank you, Vernon. You've met my wife Emma, haven't you?"

"Yes, I have. It's nice to meet you again. Where is your daughter?"

"Oh, Hermione? She should be along to play with Dudley any moment now," said Emma, knowing that Dudley was about to get a major dose of pain when Hermione DID arrive.

A knock on the back door sounded, and Dudley went to get it. "Why, Hermione! What brings you by here?"

"Oh … I was just in the neighborhood," replied Hermione.

Harry appeared next to her. "Hi, honey," he said, kissing her, then, looking at Dudley, said, "Oh, I don't seem to have seen you there Dudley. How have you been?"

Dudley felt terrified looking into two pairs of glowing eyes, but when he tried to speak, he was even more terrified to find that he could not use his voice! Harry slammed him onto the ground, and Hermione straddled his chest. She said in a sultry voice, "Oh, I am SO going to enjoy this," and the room darkened as she said, "Anima tua a sanguine innocentium maculatur. Dolorem sui senti!" (Your soul is stained with the blood of the innocent. Feel their pain!) She got off of him, and when Harry took off the Silencing Charm, all Hades broke loose.

Dudley's unearthly screams of terror were so loud, they could be heard all across Surrey. Rowley, hearing the screams, said, "That's our signal boys!" Running forward, the four constables burst the front door down, and guns raised, said, "FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!"

Vernon was faced with terror on two fronts – on the one hand, his son was screaming, on the other hand, police constables had broken down his door. He didn't know which to respond to first, but, fortunately, he raised his hands in surrender, asking, "May I ask what you're doing here, constable?"

Rowley had an evil grin on his face as he said, "Vernon Dursley, I have here a warrant for your arrest on a list of charges, including abuse of a minor, neglect of a minor, endangerment of a minor, and finally, ATTEMPTED MURDER OF A MINOR!" he thundered.

"And just who is this … minor?"

Harry stepped forward, eyes glowing. "Harry James Potter, scion and future Lord of the Potter family, son of the late Lord James Charles Potter and the late Lady Lily Evans Potter. I claim to be abused, neglected, treated worse than a slave at this hellhole you call a HOUSE!" he screamed. His voice then went ice-cold as he continued, "You and your horse-faced wife have put me through Hell, but now, I'm going to see that you end up there."

Vernon's face color went beyond red into several different shades of purple – how DARE this freak come here and accuse him! As he started to make one final charge, he didn't notice the two Bone-Breaker hexes that hit his kneecaps, shattering his limbs and taking all the fight out of him. A heart attack, brought on, no doubt, by all the fatty foods he ate and his constant high blood pressure, hit at the same time, and he was dead. Petunia also had a heart attack brought on from all the stress, and she died. Dudley also died from the constant mental pain he was suffering.

"Chief Constable, it looks to me like you're gonna need to take these people to the morgue division," quipped Harry.

Rowley nodded his head and asked, "What did Lady Hermione do?"

Hermione said, "I reached into Dudley's mind, found all the pain he had caused others, and twisted it back on him."

The constables shivered. Holmes reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. "Master Potter, if you ever need a Muggle detective on the case, here's my card."

"Thank you, Constable Holmes."

Tommy, looking at the Dursley's corpses, said, **"May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest … oh, wait a minute, you fat walrus prick, you're going the wrong way!"** He, Harry, and Hermione had a good cackle about his joke …

~DAHP~

Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley found themselves being led through a nightmarish landscape, filled with fire and the smell of brimstone. They got onto a boat being rowed by Charon, a skeletal being with eyes of fire. They looked at the gate, and read, "OMNEM, O VOS, QUI INTRATE, SPEM RELINQUITE!" At first, they did not know what it meant, until they saw it transform into English, "ALL HOPE ABANDON, YE WHO ENTER!" Understanding the words, they trembled in fear as they realized where they were.

They came before the terrible King Minos, who would judge where each soul would go within the circles of Hell. He sniffed and said, "Ah, here you are at last. We've been expecting you. Dudley Dursley, come forward!" Dudley came forward trembling, and Minos took a whiff. "Let's see … lust … all those porn magazines, you naughty, naughty, boy … gluttony … in all your years, you've gained the stature of a whale, impressive … anger … quite the temper … ah, now I know where you'll go … into the boiling bloody lake of Phlegethon you go … in VIOLENCE!" He impaled Dudley on his spinning wheel and sent him flying in that direction.

"Petunia Dursley … you, too, have anger issues, my, my … violent too, yes … but what's this? You've betrayed the trust of your sister Lily Evans Potter … she trusted you to take care of her son Harry, and you failed her … stabbed her in the back, you might say, just like Judas Iscariot … so, you'll be going into the icy lake with the TRAITORS!" He impaled Petunia on his wheel and sent her flying.

"Now, last of all, Vernon Dursley. I bet you're just like your son … well, not exactly … you were gluttonous … greedy … anger really seems to run in your family … oh, here's the clincher … you tried to murder young Harry, didn't you? Quite violent as a person, weren't you? That means into the lake of Phlegethon you'll go right after your son … in VIOLENCE!" Thus, Vernon went flying to follow Dudley.

The smile on King Minos's face had no warmth in it. "Sometimes, I really love this job that Our Father Below gave to me," he said with an evil cackle. "Today was just one of those days."


	7. Chapter 7

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

** Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Okay, so Angel Girl5 believes that I'm a hypocrite and that somehow, my mind is in the gutter. :P So what? Is it because I keep on making references to the fact that they're married (magically speaking)? Just because a couple is married doesn't mean that they are getting their giggity on, any more than a couple getting their giggity on means they're married – OH! (Maybe I watch too much Family Guy, but, come on, Glenn Quagmire is just funny.)**

** Let's face it, I'm a guy, and, true to the stereotype, I can be clueless at times. Shoot, when you think about it, Harry's a guy too. The stereotypical cluelessness he has as such would definitely explain how, in the original books, he was so attracted to Ginny Weasley (who looks like his mom – ew!), but at the same time, could ignore the hot piece of genius that is Hermione Jean Granger! There's hardly any comparison between the two! Sure, Bonnie Wright's Ginny Weasley is pretty in a little sister kind of way, but Emma Watson's Hermione Jean Granger gets an Oscar from me as one of the hottest … nerds … ever! And she gets Troll-Brain Weasley as a prize? Who wrote this script? What was Rowling's point with Ron/Hermione – that a total idiot can actually win the hot, brainy chick?**

** Imagine that Harry receives a note, and it says: "Dear Harry, The hot, smart girl is for your sidekick. Love, JKR. P.S., There is a really hot red-headed fangirl. You should totally go for her." Now, if I were Harry, I would say, "Who wrote this script? REWRITE!" Then I would grab Hermione the next chance I could and snog her senseless! (My fellow Americans, "snogging" is different than "shagging". "Snogging" is what we Americans would call "making out" – you know, heavy kissing … "Shagging" refers to intercourse.) And if she ended up hexing me to death, at least I'd die with a smile on my face! LOL!**

** So, yeah, there you have my opinions on a couple of the Weasleys. Ron's a Troll-Brain, Ginny's a red-headed fangirl, Percy's got a big wand up his butt (whether it's his own or somebody else's is a matter of debate … LOL), and Molly's just an overbearing conservative prude of a mother, not unlike many mothers in the United States. ("But Harry's too young, he's just a boy!" She actually said that about Harry – when he was about 15!)**

** The only Weasleys I do admire are Arthur, Fred, and George. (I like Bill and Charlie as well, but they don't show up a whole lot.) Arthur has a fascination with Muggles, and even though it's kept him from being promoted, at least he's happy with what he does. Not to mention it takes a great amount of courage to be able to put up with a woman like Molly. Fred and George are obviously the comic relief of the series (okay, besides Troll-Brain-Comedy-Relief-Endless-Stomach-Lazy-Butt-Snores-Like-A-Train Ronald Bilius Weasley.) I do have a little surprise in store concerning them ... a pleasant one …**

** Enough of my rambling. On with the story!**

**Chapter 7**

"Hermione?" Harry thought.

_"Yes, Harry?"_

"I feel like I forgot something."

There were a few seconds of thought from Hermione. _"It seems we did forget something – we forgot to call in the Goblins."_

Harry smacked his forehead. "Oh, of course! How could I be so stupid? Now that Vernon's dead, Ragnok won't get his money!"

_"Harry, that's not necessarily the case. There's also the insurance money his company must have given him, assuming he worked. What did he do for a job?"_

"He was a manager for a drill company called Grunnings."

_"Manager, eh? He must have a generous life insurance policy. Gringotts will go after that first. If there's more money needed, there can always be a sale of the Dursley's possessions, even of the house, if necessary. They're dead anyways, so they're not going to need them, are they?" _she asked him sweetly.

"You sly little minx … how dare you take advantage of a person's misfortune like this?"

_"Darling, anyone who dares to hurt you deserves all the misfortune they can get. Now, let's try to get some sleep … we'll call Gringotts in the morning."_

~DAHP~

After breakfast, Harry grabbed the communication mirror. "Ragnok?"

Ragnok answered. "Good morning, Master Potter. How may I be of service?"

"Ragnok, I have some news concerning the Dursleys. They're dead."

"Really, Master Potter? That's quite the news … how did they die?"

"Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia died of heart attacks … as for Dudley, he died from an extreme dose of insanity. I'm wondering how you're going to get the Dursley's rent, but Hermione told me not to worry, you'll be going after any insurance money, then their possessions, and, if need be, the house."

"She's right about that. Vernon Dursley's sister, Marjorie Dursley, will be lucky if she sees any money come to her, given the size of Vernon's debt, which amounts to … £10,080 in Muggle currency, which in wizarding currency is … 2,016 Galleons."

Harry whistled. "That is quite the sizeable debt he has! Would his insurance cover all of it?"

"It will cover some, Master Potter, but not all of it … probably about £2,000 worth, or 400 Galleons. We may have to go after his bank account as well. If all of these options together don't cover the whole debt, we'll go after Marjorie Dursley to pay the rest of it."

"Well, you will have to clean up 4 Privet Drive really well if you're going to re-sell it, Lord Ragnok," said Dan. "Potential buyers won't like blood stains around the house, that's for sure."

"I agree with your statement, Mr. Granger. Either the house gets cleaned before the sale, or we tear it down and build a new one. What does Master Potter think?"

"It doesn't matter to me what you decide to do with 4 Privet Drive, Lord Ragnok, I don't care to keep it."

"I understand completely, Master Potter. Very well; we'll decide whether to clean up the house and re-sell it or to build a new one and sell that. Either way, I'm sure we'll get good money out of it."

Harry smiled, "Best of luck, Lord Ragnok."

"The same to you, Master Potter. Have a nice day."

~DAHP~

"Harry? Can we talk just a minute?" Dan asked.

"Sure, Dan, what about?"

"Well, Emma and I have been talking with each other, and we've decided that we want to be your guardians here in the Muggle world, at least until you claim your Lordship."

"Dan, you and Emma will always be a part of my family, because Hermione is now a part of my family. Even when I do take up my Lordship, I want you to still be with me."

"So, does that mean you say yes to our proposal?"

"Let me think a bit … OF COURSE!" Harry replied, barrelling into Dan in a hug, much to Dan's amusement.

"He said yes?" said Emma, coming into the room. Her answer was an affectionate hug from Harry. "Of course I said yes … how could I not say yes?"

"Harry," said Emma, "you know I can't possibly replace your mother."

"No one is asking you to replace her, Emma, just be the wonderful woman you have always been to me. As for Dan, no one's asking him to replace my dad either. I love you both and I couldn't think of any better substitute parents. You've already raised one wonderful child, so how much harder can two wonderful children be?"

Laughing, the quartet went up to the courthouse, where they easily took care of Harry's guardianship. After Harry managed a few sneaky charms on the documents after signing, he thought, "This ought to give Dumbledore a headache."

**"Yeah, Harry," **said a snickering Tommy, **"this ought to throw him for a loop. I wonder why we haven't heard a peep from him?"**

~DAHP~

Back at Hogwarts some time later, Albus Dumbledore came out of his coma with the mother of all headaches. Seeing Madam Pomfrey, the school's mediwitch, come to him, he asked her, "Poppy, how long was I out here in the Hospital Wing?"

"Headmaster, you've been in a coma here for the past two months."

"Two months? Oy, my head ..."

Handing Dumbledore a headache potion, Madam Pomfrey said in a stern voice, "You aren't going anywhere until you're better, Headmaster, do I make myself clear?"

"Poppy, I'm the Headmaster of this school, and I have business to run."

"Headmaster, you're in my Hospital Wing now, and here, I make the rules. I don't care if you're Merlin or even Jesus Christ of Nazareth, if you're in my Hospital Wing, you stay until I say you can go. Do I make myself clear or do I have to strap you to your bed with a Sticking Charm and duct tape?"

Dumbledore, a petulant pout on his face, said, "Fine, I'll stay."

**Author's Note: Sad to say, Dumbledore, your troubles are only beginning ... [evil cackling laughter]!**


	8. Chapter 8

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Recently, I happened to lose the charger to my laptop, so I had to send Chapter 7 to myself by e-mail and have to improvise in the meantime using a regular desktop and a good old flash drive. The "precious" can't stay running forever, it needs juice to run, and it can't get juice to run if it doesn't have its charger, could it, preciousssssssssssssssss? I hope to get it back soon anyways, or else I'm going to have to buy a new charger, which, a couple of my work friends suggested might cost as much as $20 to $30 … oy! **

**Angel Girl 5, I agree with your timing; fourth year definitely seems best for Harry and Hermione to be getting that far. To use the baseball bases analogy as an illustration, well, Harry won't be going anywhere from first base for a good, long while … and that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! :P LOL.**

**Duellist, thanks for the reality check. I was trying to calculate some kind of a big debt that would be shocking for Vernon and his family, assuming a rent of £100 per month, which brings us to £1,200 per year, then 7 years for the time they've taken care of Harry … (meh, I should have calculated from the time they've received the house … LOL), then I put in an additional 10% interest (maybe it should have been higher … LOL). Math may be fun and easy to do, but economics is something else entirely. Maybe I should have had Ragnok pull off a Dr. Evil impression … [puts pinky to mouth with aggressive grin] "One billion, gajillion, fafillion … shabadydoo … what in Merlin's name was I saying?"**

"**Lord Ragnok … you were trying to find out just how much the Dursleys would owe me."**

"**Oh, right, thank you, Master Potter … ONE THOUSAND MILLION GALLEONS! That's £5,000,000,000.00, Master Potter."**

"**Excellent …" LOL. Okay, cut! You get the picture. Hmm, maybe, when this fanfic is finished, I should add on an alternate/deleted scenes and blooper reel at the end of it! LOL!**

**Ave lectores! Vos risuros, vos saluto! (Hail, readers! You who are about to laugh, I salute you!)**

**Chapter 8**

Albus Dumbledore was stuck in his school's Hospital Wing, and he was worried. What happened with Harry Potter? If he had stayed in the Hospital Wing as Madam Pomfrey had requested, he would have been there for only an additional week. However, Madam Pomfrey knew that he would not stay in bed, but would want to get out as soon as possible, even if he had to sneak out. Midway into the week, she found out that her guess was right. He had snuck out of bed, almost to the door, "home free," as the saying goes … but a well-aimed THWACK from a Beater's bat proved him wrong.

"THAT ought to keep you in bed, Headmaster," said Madam Pomfrey, swinging the bat around with a smirk on her face. "I can't wait to tell Minerva about this."

It turned out that between Dumbledore's numerous attempts to escape, and Madam Pomfrey's vigilance, it would be about three more months before Dumbledore was finally well enough to leave …

~DAHP~

Ever since his formal adoption by the Grangers, Harry found that his life was on a steady line of improvement. His magical levels were off the charts, but Tommy told him, **"Harry, you and Hermione have to keep up your physical fitness. Believe me, even now, it will still help the two of you out."** Dan was more than willing to help the physical training regimen, only to find that trying to keep up with Harry and Hermione's phenomenal running speed an exercise in futility. He called Constables Holmes and Watson over to judge their speed, only for Watson's radar gun to start smoking in his hand. "Did you see that, Holmes? I don't think my radar gun can handle it!" Holmes was trying to shake his hands cool after dropping his radar gun, also smoking. "There is no way we can catch them, Watson, even at our top speeds. I would bet you ten pounds that not even a racecar could keep up with them." Later, when they tested out Holmes's hypothesis, the engine of the racecar blew up from the strain, so an astonished and grumbling Watson had to pay Holmes the ten pound bet.

"How fast did we make it, Constable Holmes?" asked Harry.

"Evidently, you made it faster than the top speed of our racecar – 300 miles per hour."

Dan's mouth dropped wide open, much to Harry and Hermione's amusement.

~DAHP~

Even though Dumbledore was relieved to finally be out of the Hospital Wing without being attacked by Madam Pomfrey and her Beater's bat, his nerves were fraught with worry about one Harry Potter. Entering his office, he saw the damage which had been caused by the explosion that sent him into a coma about some five months previously. The remains of the instruments he used to keep an eye on Harry Potter and 4 Privet Drive were blasted beyond the hope of any repair, even the repair of his wand's best Reparo spell.

He saw a regal owl come in through his office window, with a letter and a delivery. He took the letter, read it, and his face blanched. The letter read:

"Dear Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore,

Due to certain revelations regarding your dealings with one Harry James Potter, scion of the Potter family, which include placing him with relatives who neglected and abused him, as well as confirming your thefts over the years from the holdings of his vault, Gringotts has seen it fit to reclaim all the money you have stolen from him, with interest, as well as institute a ban from Gringotts for the rest of your life on pain of death should you show your face at any Gringotts branch. If you are worried about your vault, its contents have been given over to Harry James Potter" – at that point, Dumbledore screamed – "in payment of the large debt you owe to him. Also, all properties you have purchased with his money and all properties you have stolen from him have been reclaimed" – Dumbledore literally fell out of his chair at this point, for it disappeared on him – "and your last gift from Gringotts, by request of Harry James Potter, is 30 silver Sickles. Have fun with it, you traitorous prick, and when you reach the freezing lake in Hell's deepest circle, we hope you freeze in it for all eternity.

Sincerely,

Lord Ragnok, Leader of the Goblin Nation

P.S.,

As far as your Top Secret security item is concerned, Gringotts has decided to at least keep it for now. If you want it, you may send someone to get it. Goodbye."

Even though he was relieved to hear that Gringotts would still be keeping his special item, Dumbledore still felt that things were still very, very bad for him. He popped a lemon drop into his mouth … hmm … it seemed spicier than usual … not to mention, what was that texture? Grass? Not quite … it was like that, only sweeter … then, he felt hungry … really hungry! "I must find some food … how come it is that I feel so light?" He belched out a small flame as he ran down to the kitchens. After stuffing himself with almost everything in sight (much to the consternation of the house elves), he came back to his office and sent Fawkes, his phoenix, out to find Harry, if that was possible. He waited for a few minutes … an hour … two hours … by the time the third hour rolled around, he screamed out in rage as he realized Fawkes had left him for good.

Meanwhile, the dungeons of Hogwarts were alive with the sound of a madman's hilarious laughter. The madman was one Severus Tobias Snape, and while most people thought of him as having no sense of humor, it was only a mere façade. With a little help from Pomona Sprout, the Herbology professor, he had made some interesting changes to Dumbledore's lemon drops. Now he only had to wait for Dumbledore to make his way to the cops …


	9. Chapter 9

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Whew, it's such a relief to be done with "Harry Potter and the Casino Royale"! The way I originally finished it, some of my readers were understandably pretty upset with me, so some time later, I decided to revise the last two chapters. I hope they like those … **

**I haven't forgotten about this story, don't worry, each chapter just needs a little simmering in the crazy place I call my brain before it comes out … just bibbling, scribbling, scribbling, bibbling … [Amadeus laugh!] Some chapters more than others … LOL!**

"**O Freunde, nicht diese Töne! Sondern lasst uns angenemehre anstimmen, und freudenvollere!" (O Friends, not these tones! Rather, let us raise up our voices in more pleasant sounds!) - from Ludwig van Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 in d minor, Op. 125**

**Chapter 9**

Marge Dursley, sister of the late Vernon Dursley, had gone through a rough week. Upon hearing of her brother's death, she was hopeful that she would get some of his insurance money, seeing that she was the last surviving relative of the family. Vernon had always been there for her.

Of course, there was that runt of a Potter boy, the little juvenile delinquent. Whenever she visited, she never ceased in her continual tirades about his lazy, good-for-nothing, drunk parents, who died one night in a car crash and left her brother with this ungrateful little orphan – at least, so was the story her brother told her. No way would she have taken care of him if he was left on her doorstep – nope, she would have sent him straight to an orphanage!

She never stopped to think that an orphanage would be a whole lot better than David Copperfield's lot in being beaten by his step-father Mr. Edward Murdstone, which in fact was quite similar to the boy's lot with Vernon. In fact, she approved of Vernon's rough handling of him. One of her dogs, Ripper, even joined in the act, chasing Harry around and trying to treat him like a new chew toy.

Soon after reading Vernon's obituary, she received a startling piece of news, courtesy of a bank letter informing her that her brother's insurance money had been taken to pay off his debt on the rent of the house he lived in. As for the sale of the house at 4 Privet Drive, it went well, but even the sale would not cover the entire debt. Therefore, the last option of resort was her. She would be required to cover the rest of the debt - £4,000. Her eyes goggled at the amount. She was not dirt poor by any means, and yet, she was not filthy rich either. She breathed a sigh of relief upon reading that the bank would be willing to negotiate a payment plan, in case she could not pay in full. That was good. After going to talk to the bank, she would then go to her dentist's appointment …

~DAHP~

The door to the Granger's dental practice opened, and Hermione, who decided to come in with Harry that day, looked up. "Good morning, ma'am. How may we be of service?"

Marge smiled … this little girl was so sweet! "Good morning. My name is Marjorie Dursley, and I'm here for a dental appointment with Dr. Granger."

Emma Granger chose that moment to walk through the door. "Ms. Dursley, it's so good of you to come in on time. Please come in."

"Thank you, Dr. Granger. By the way, you have the nicest, most polite girl I've ever met. What's your name, dear?"

"Hermione Granger, ma'am, and thank you."

"You are more than welcome, Hermione. You do not see politeness in children these days … why, my brother Vernon, bless his soul, before he died, had an ungrateful little runt who gave him all kinds of trouble …" she said as the both of them went towards the back. Emma, before going with her, gave a look to Hermione that said, "This is going to be a while. Turn around the sign so it says 'Closed' … we really aren't that busy now." She also had a look on her face that promised a lot of pain … forget the Hippocratic oath, this was a monster that had a hand in Harry's terrible treatment!

~DAHP~

"Ungrateful little runt, eh?" Hermione heard from Harry in her thoughts.

Tommy snorted. **"Honestly, bless Vernon's soul? What's the big deal with using that expression? If anything, Vernon's soul is not being blessed, unless you count burning in a lake of boiling blood to be a blessing."** He started to cackle. **"Guess what, Harry? We're finally going to use some dental torture on this fat … cow."**

_"Tommy, why did you pause?"_

**"I was trying to think of a proper insult that wouldn't be the b-word, if you get my drift, Hermione."**

_"Thanks for thinking of my sensitive ears, Tommy, but I feel the 'b-word' is quite appropriate in this context. What are we going to do to her?"_

**"Get the Beethoven Symphony No. 9. We're going to provide the soundtrack to her torture …"**

~DAHP~

Emma, after she was finished giving Marge a preliminary look, came into Dan's office feeling upset. To think of the things this woman did to Harry, described to her in detail! She was almost ready to strangle the woman, she was so mad!

"Is something the matter, honey?" asked Dan.

"It's that Dursley woman … you can't imagine how close I was to ending her, and the Dursleys, forever!"

Harry had a hurt look on his face. "Aw, Emma, you weren't going to ruin my chances of getting some fun by strangling her prematurely, were you?"

"Not in the least, Harry. Shall you tell us of your plan?"

"Of course … here's what we're going to do …"

~DAHP~

Dan came in to the room Marge was sitting in with a sweet smile on his face. "Good morning, Ms. Dursley. How are we feeling today?"

"I hope that my teeth are doing better than my troubles, Dr. Granger. It's been a rough week for me."

"Oh really?" Dan shone a light into Marge's mouth. "Hmm … your teeth could really use some work, Ms. Dursley. We should have it all straightened out within some time. By the way, I have a little surprise for you …"

"Hello, Aunt Marge," said Harry, stepping into the room. Upon seeing him, Marge made as if to get out of her seat, but found herself unable to as she stared at his glowing green eyes and upraised hand. "Aunt Marge, there's no need to get up. Stay! That's a good girl. I'd offer you a treat, but you're in the middle of a dental appointment."

Marge was quite furious. "You freak! What are you doing here?" Harry's eyes narrowed upon hearing "freak," and he responded with a fiery burst on her nerves, eliciting a loud scream.

"I don't see how that is any of your business, Aunt Marge. Hermione, will you come in here, please?"

Hermione came in with the CD player. "Harry, we're all set to go."

"You ready, Dan?"

"Just start the music."

Harry pushed "Play" on the CD player, and the music started to play. It was the glorious last movement of Beethoven's Symphony No. 9, starting from the B-flat Major 6/8 section with the label "Alla Marcia." To add to Marge's torment, Harry started to sing along with the tenor – not that he had a bad singing voice by any means:

"Froh, wie seine Sonnen fliegen

Durch des Himmels prächt'gen Plan,

Laufet, Brüder, eure Bahn,

Freudig, wie ein Held zum Siegen!"

(Glad, as his suns fly

Through Heaven's glorious design,

Run, brothers, your path,

Joyful, as a hero to victory!)

Both Harry and Hermione sung what they could of the rest of the Symphony, while during all this, Marge's screams filled the entire room. By the time the Symphony was over, she was dead.

~DAHP~

"Ah, here we are. Marge Dursley … the fat sister of the late Vernon Dursley." King Minos smiled as he took a whiff of her. "Yes, violence does seem to run in the family … what's this? You like dogs, do you? How would you like to go to the circle of Gluttony and become Cerberus's bitch?"

Marge, being the prim and proper lady she was raised as, had an instant hissy fit. "How dare you speak to me that way –"

"SILENCE! You're in Hell now, and we don't really care for censoring our language down here! OFF YOU GO!" He put her on his spinning wheel and sent her flying with a great, booming cackle. As she arrived down in the circle of Gluttony, Cerberus's first thought was, "Ooooh, somebody to play with!" From this point forth, not only was she Cerberus's bitch, she was also, from time to time, his favorite chew toy!


	10. Chapter 10

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I was so entertained writing up the revenge on Marge Dursley; it was inspired to me when I thought of a scene in the movie "A Clockwork Orange", and the rest of the chapter practically flowed out.**

** As far as Dumbledore's troubles are concerned, well, Snape's alteration of his lemon drops is going to have a major consequence, and one that he isn't going to like. I think I left plenty of hints about the substance added, and it's an illegal substance in the U.K. (without a license, so I've read), as well as in the United States. I think the whole "munchies" episode in Chapter 8 is a giveaway, and, yes, you have to feel sorry for those poor lemon drops. **

**Chapter 10**

"Lord Ragnok?" Harry had his communication mirror in hand.

"Good morning, Master Potter. What news do you have for Gringotts today?"

"It's regarding Marge Dursley … she died just yesterday."

"And I take it you had a hand in it, Master Potter?"

Harry gave an uneasy laugh. "Yes."

"Under normal circumstances, Master Potter, we would not encourage killing off potential clients, but given your set of circumstances, we understand your desire for revenge. Don't worry, we'll find a way to make up the difference that her death has left. I think her house will gain a good sum as well as her dog farm."

Harry smiled. "That's great to hear, Lord Ragnok. I have another question …"

"Shoot."

"What's the deal with this bird on my shoulder?" Harry tilted the mirror around to show a red-and-black phoenix on his shoulder.

"That bird, Master Potter, was formerly Dumbledore's pet phoenix, Fawkes. It seems to me he's taken a liking to you. By the way, have you heard the news?"

"Lord Ragnok, what news is that?"

Ragnok and Griphook started to sing: "A-well, everybody's heard, about the bird …"

Fawkes, bobbing his head, joined in, _**"B-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word …"**_

Tommy joined in, **"A-well-a bird, bird, bird, bird is a word …"**

Hermione joined in, singing both vocally and mentally, _"A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is a word…"_

Dan and Emma joined in the singing, as Harry contemplated whether to scream or to start bashing his head against a wall. It wasn't that he hated the song – he actually loved it – but he had the odd feeling that this could become a running gag. It would not be enough to become a running gag on "Family Guy," but he would have to suffer through it as well … or maybe not.

As far as Harry's musical taste was concerned, it was very liberal, including rap (Eminem was a favorite), rock-and-roll, heavy metal … you name it, there was something he liked about it. The only genres he did not go for were country … or Justin Bieber, for that matter. Among the many tracks he enjoyed were:

1. "Angel of Death" by Slayer

2. "Raining Blood" by Slayer

3. "War Ensemble" by Slayer (okay, it was very well established that Slayer was a favorite band).

4. "Inno A Satana" by Emperor (Tommy enjoyed it, saying, **"Yeah, Harry, I'm the Emperor of Darkness, and you're my Darth Vader!"**)

5. "Nemesis" by Arch Enemy (this was a favorite of Hermione's).

6. "A Fine Day to Die" by Bathory

7. "Hit the Lights" by Metallica

~DAHP~

As far as Dumbledore was concerned, he was worried about Harry. Most likely, he was already out of 4 Privet Drive, so what would be the point of looking there? He thought for a while, and came upon the conclusion that the police department would be the best place to look. He grabbed a few lemon drops for himself, for even Merlin knew what trouble they might put him through, just so he could find the information he was seeking.

Apparating to area of Surrey, Dumbledore made his way to the courthouse, where Constables Holmes and Watson met him.

"Good morning, constables. How may I be of service?"

Watson looked at Holmes. "Are we sure this is him, Holmes?"

"I'm positive of it, Watson … Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, I presume?" Dumbledore nodded, and Holmes held up his identification along with Watson. "We are Class M-W Constables Holmes and Watson at your service, Headmaster. How may we help you?"

Dumbledore was surprised … why were these people being so cooperative? He shook it off his mind and said, "Yes, I happen to be looking for the location of one Harry Potter."

"Harry Potter, you say? Well, Watson, we can help out the dear Headmaster, am I right?"

"Oh, certainly, Holmes. Headmaster, just go right on in, we'll catch up with you." Making sure that Dumbledore was out of earshot, Watson said, "Holmes, are we sure about this?"

"I'm positive, Watson. If Master Potter is as smart as I have deduced, Dumbledore won't find a thing. I'll bet you one dinner with Master Potter to let him know of all this." The two then ran after Dumbledore.

~DAHP~

"Good morning," said the receptionist inside the courthouse, "how may we help you?"

"Constables Holmes and Watson, ma'am - we're escorting Albus Dumbledore here to the records department."

"Very good, Constable Holmes. Carry on."

"We're going this way, Headmaster." They led him to the records department, where they met another receptionist. "Good morning," she said. "How may we be of service?"

Holmes and Watson showed their identification. "We're escorting Albus Dumbledore into the records department … he's searching for one of his students."

"One of his students, you say? Are you a professor, by any chance?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Which student are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for Harry Potter, ma'am."

"Just a moment, sir. I'll go and get the records for you."

Again, Dumbledore noticed that everyone was being so cooperative … maybe this might be easier than he originally thought. Of course, when the documents came back, he found out just how wrong he was when he saw them … he couldn't even read them!

"Is there a problem, Albus?"

"No, Constable Holmes, not at all. Care for a lemon drop?" Holmes and Watson shook their heads in the negative, so Dumbledore popped one into his mouth, belched out a small flame, and scratched his head in some puzzlement. "This is odd, isn't it, Constable? I can't seem to read the documents here." The lemon drop started to kick in, and he started to feel calm ... not to mention he started to laugh.

"Are you okay, Albus?"

"I'm … perfectly … fine … Constable … Holmes …" Dumbledore said between fits of the giggles. "Is … it … me … or … do … you … feel … hungry?"

"May I have a lemon drop, Albus?" Dumbledore handed him one. "Watson, run this along your tongue and tell me what you taste."

Watson did so. "Holmes, this tastes like sweet grass. What is it?"

"I thought as much, Watson. It's marijuana. Cuff him." Turning to Dumbledore as Watson put the handcuffs on, Holmes announced, "Albus Dumbledore, you are under arrest for the possession of marijuana."

After they took him to jail, Watson said, "Well, Holmes, it seems there's one dinner Master Potter owes us."

Holmes smiled. "Indeed, Watson. All in a day's work."


	11. Chapter 11

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Angel Girl5, I actually have to agree that the singing of "Surfing Bird" was a bit … weird, shall we say? (For the record, Harry's begging me never to put him through that again – having it as a running gag on "Family Guy" is enough.) Regarding your questions:**

**1. Will Umbitch make an appearance? Yes, though I'm not sure exactly when.**

**2. As for Skeeter, yes to that too – after all, what's fame without an annoying, insatiable press agent? Be certain that her first article is going to contain something that will make Harry go postal on "The Daily Prophet." Going postal on a newspaper – that sounds funny (LOL). I'm going to make sure they get what's coming to them.**

**3. Dumbledore still has plenty of misery to go through – you wouldn't think I'd let him off the hook so soon, eh?**

**4. As for Snuffles/Padfoot/Sirius Black, I think we'll see what's going on with him quite soon.**

**To ladysavay, your criticism has been noted. Other people seem to enjoy the chapter the way it was written, am I right? To my readers, ****should I take out "Surfing Bird"? Just curious, as I feel that's what would be most "juvenile" about it, but that's just me … meh … you can't please them all, I guess, but c'est la vie! Keep the reviews coming along!**

"**Modulistic terror**

**A vast sadistic feast**

**The only way to exit**

**Is going piece by piece!" - Slayer**

**Chapter 11**

Albus Dumbledore, Defeater of Grindelwald, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Supreme Mugwump of the International Wizard Confederation, and Head of the Wizengamot, was in a heaping pile of metaphorical dragon dung. Of all the things that could have happened to him, he had to be arrested on a charge of possessing drugs. Sure, it was marijuana – a Class B drug in British Muggle law, not as serious as a Class A drug – say, meth – but it still could be pretty bad. What if he couldn't pay the fine he would owe along with his jail sentence? The 30 silver Sickles would exchange to about a measly £8.82, and given the silver prices at the time, selling the silver would not get him any better monetary luck.

Fortunately, the court, in light of Dumbledore's poverty, provided his own lawyer and waived the fine, saying he could work for it instead during his jail time – which, with the constant citations of "contempt of court" (for not shutting up when the court told him to shut up), and "threatening a witness" (for yelling at Professor Snape all through his testimony) – ended up being a total of four years. What added more humiliation for him was learning that he had lost his positions in the ICW, the Wizengamot, and Hogwarts – though Hogwarts might be willing to give it back to him.

~DAHP~

"So, the Manipulative Old Prick Dumbledore has lost his jobs, and he's in jail for four years?" asked Harry. He had just finished a dinner in a restaurant with Hermione, the Grangers, Holmes, Watson, and an additional celebrant – Lord Ragnok. The seven people were sitting down, relaxing, and talking about business.

Holmes nodded. "The old bastard never knew when to shut his mouth. Professor Snape handled himself wonderfully in spite of all the verbal abuse Dumbledore was giving him."

"What can you tell us of Professor Snape, Constable Watson?"

"He went to school during the same time as your parents, Master Potter …"

"You know, Watson, you could just call me Harry. The same goes for Holmes as well."

"Thank you, Harry. Continue, Watson."

Watson cleared his throat. "Quite. Harry, this man, Professor Severus Snape was sorted into Slytherin. Your parents were Gryffindors. Traditionally, the relations between Gryffindor and Slytherin have been strained at best, and at the worst times, outright hostile. Your dad and his friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew didn't help the situation with their incessant pranks, most of them directed towards the House of Slytherin. Your mother, for some reason, was one of his friends, but that changed towards the end of their fifth year."

Holmes continued, "The reason why they were friends is the fact that they grew up near each other. The reasons for their split include several factors, and not just your father. There was also some incredulity that he could hang around with people like Lucius Malfoy, Mulciber, and Avery, among others. Eventually, they went their separate ways – your parents became part of Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix, and Snape became part of the Death Eaters."

Harry nodded. "Where are these people now?"

"Snape now teaches Potions at Hogwarts. Both Malfoy and Avery have claimed that they were under the Imperius curse, while Mulciber is in Azkaban – the Wizarding prison."

Harry's eyes darkened, and smoke seemed to be pouring out of his ears as he heard Tommy scream in his mind, **"THAT'S A LIE! I WOULD NEVER PUT MY FOLLOWERS UNDER THE IMPERIUS! NEVER, YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!"**

_"Tommy, shut it – you're giving us a headache."_

Dan said, "Harry, are you allright?"

"I'm fine, Dan … Tommy was just angry about something. He told me he would never put his followers under the Imperius … which, for those of you that don't know, is a form of magical mind control, and it's very hard to resist, requiring great mental strength. It's one of three Unforgivable Curses."

"What are the other two?"

"The other two Unforgivables are the Cruciatus, also known as the Torture Curse – quite self-explanatory – and, the most terrible of all – the Killing Curse. If you see a streak of green magical light fly towards you, get out of the way immediately, because if it hits you, that's it. There's no known way to block it."

Dan nodded. "It seems to me that Malfoy's implying he did all the actions he did against his will, thus getting himself off scot-free and clean as a whistle."

"Yep. Also, the action taken to become a Death Eater has to be done under one's own free will. Any disobedience is met swiftly and harshly. Punishment would be either in the form of torture, or, if Voldemort was really mad, death."

There was a cold silence around the table at Harry's statement. Both Harry and Hermione could hear Tommy muttering something about **"Malfoy's going to get it when we see him,"** or something along those lines. Lord Ragnok spoke up, "Harry, if I may call you that …"

"You may, Lord Ragnok."

"Thank you, Harry. We managed to find a copy of your parents' will in your vault. Looking it over, of course you receive all the Potter properties, business ownerships, et cetera. What may interest you is their statement about where you are to be housed should the unthinkable happen."

"Go on …"

"Harry, the will says under no circumstances whatsoever are you to be placed with the Dursleys. Instead, you are to be housed with your godfather Sirius Black or the Longbottom family. Unfortunately, the Longbottom parents are comatose. Their son, Neville, is living with his grandmother."

"What about Sirius Black?"

"He's in Azkaban, on the charge that he betrayed your parents."

"Was he tried?" Ragnok hesitated. "Was. He. Tried?" Harry repeated with emphasis.

"No, he was not."

Harry started trembling from the rage he was feeling. How DARE the Wizarding World ignore the rights of its people like this! Thanks to a firm hug from Hermione, he started calming down. When his anger had cooled to a manageable level, he asked, "Does the will say anything about the Secret-Keeper?"

"Fortunately, it does … it says that Peter Pettigrew is the Secret-Keeper."

**"Well, that's another person to add to our hit list, Harry. We need to find that rat and kill him."**

_"Not quite, Tommy. We need to find the rat, question him, turn him over to the authorities, then we free Sirius."_

**"And THEN we kill the rat."**

_"Yes … what on earth is it with you and killing, Tommy?"_

**"Hermione, do you think I would have become the most feared wizard in the world if I acted all nice to people all the time? Harry and I are guys – we shoot first, ask questions later."**

_"Yes, and being guys, you two tend to think with your members, and not with your brains."_

**"HEY!"**

~DAHP~

Out on the coast of the North Sea, a shaggy Scottish deerhound shook its fur dry as it thought to itself, "Now that I'm out, I might as well find some food … and Harry."


	12. Chapter 12

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

** Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. Wow, this story almost seems to be writing itself, and I'm amazed at how popular it seems to be – 160 people have put it on their Favorite Stories list already, and still counting, the last time I checked – wowee!**

** ROBERT-19588: I looked up the British equivalent of America's IRS, and it's the HMRC – Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs. I don't think Vernon was so retarded as to forget to pay his taxes, and, considering the money he received was Muggle currency, I'm sure he paid taxes on it, after taking out the usual deductions for his family. Whether consideration of Harry's existence was a part of this or not, I have no idea, but my guess would be probably not. (Wait a minute – would that mean several years' worth of Muggle tax refund money for Harry? I don't know!) As to what Harry will do with the Death Eater's accounts, well, it just may depend on how they take to his leadership – or not.**

** Angel Girl5: Yes, I'm leaving "Surfing Bird" in Chapter 10, but I am not putting Harry through another sing-along of it. Another song, maybe. I like music, I find it very inspiring, and I will involve it in my fanfics! "Tell the world to kiss [my] Crazy Catholic Ass" … LOL! Some of these reviews crack me up! Everybody give Angel Girl5 several Pats on the back, she's been a wonderful Muse and support for all of this! Oy, not too hard, now, we don't want her back breaking! CATHOLICS UNITE! WOO-HOO!**

"**You might see me jogging, you might see me walking,**

**You might see me walking a dead Rottweiler dog**

**With his head chopped off in the park with a spiked collar**

**Hollering at him 'cause the son of a bitch won't quit barking! (Ruff! Ruff!)" -Eminem**

**Chapter 12**

As Harry and company got up from the table and were about to go out, a woman with frizzy blonde hair met them. "Harry Potter, may I introduce myself? My name is Rita Skeeter, and I write for The Daily Prophet. Would you care to give me an interview?"

"It's quite the pleasure to meet you, I'm sure, Miss Skeeter, but my answer is no. I just came here to have a nice dinner with family and friends, talk over business, and that's it."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes, I'm sure … that I'm not giving you an interview. Now, please leave me alone."

"What do you have to say about Dumbledore landing in jail for four years?"

Harry smiled. "What do you think this smile says? Now, get out of here before I lose my patience."

Dan stepped up between the two. "Miss Skeeter, I suggest you do what he says and do it quick. I know Harry and he doesn't mess around."

"Who are you, his bodyguard?"

"No, Miss Skeeter. I'm a dentist, which means I can fix your teeth after knocking them out should I have to do so. Considering that, which is it going to be?"

Rita wasn't very happy to give up without a fight, so she tried to get through Dan. In the scuffle that ensued, Dan managed to break her nose. Harry, using his magic, picked her up and tossed her out the window. She landed out in the street, injured but still alive, as Hermione repaired the window.

"Let's get out of here," he said.

~DAHP~

Three large figures in hooded black robes made their way towards Malfoy Manor. "Tommy, are we sure this is the placcce?" hissed one.

"I'm quite posssitive, Harry. These Nazzzgûl must have been natural Parssseltonguesss – do you hear all that hissssssing?"

"Tommy, the Nazzzgûl ssspoke the Black Ssspeech, not Parssseltongue," said Hermione. "That being sssaid, you do make an interesssting point – we're hissssssing whenever we make an 'sss' sssound."

Tommy nodded. "Let'sss go find Luccciusss."

Not making a sound, they entered the Manor and found Lucius asleep in bed. Tommy decided to scare him awake, and he started speaking in Parseltongue. "§Wake up, Luccciusss.§"

Lucius woke up with a sudden jerk, and his face blanched more upon seeing his visitors. He was so scared, he went into his family's native French. "Qui êtes-vous? Et comment êtes-vous entrés?" (Who are you? And how did you enter?)

**"Uh, do either of you know French?"** Tommy thought to Harry and Hermione.

_"I do, Tommy. He asked who we are and how we entered."_

**"Uh, that's good, Hermione. Can you speak for us?"**

_"Sure."_ Hermione turned to Lucius. "Vous ne reconnaissssssez pas votre Maître?" (You don't recognize your Master?)

Lucius goggled, and remembered his English. "Milord?"

**"Finally, he remembers his English."** Tommy looked at Lucius and said, "Yesss, Luccciusss, it'sss me, Tom Riddle, or asss he wasss known to you, Lord Voldemort."

"Milord, what happened to you?"

"Harry Potter is what happened to me. He conquered me, Luccciusss, ssso your life belongsss to him now. I have though, another problem that angersss me very much: you sssee, Luccciusss, you claimed to be under the Imperiusss during your ssserviccce under me."

Harry reached out with his magical senses and lit one of Lucius's nerves on fire. The scream was quite satisfactory, and he ended the momentary torture.

"That is but a tassste of what you will experienccce should you dissspleassse me or Potter in any way, shape, or form, Luccciusss. In the meantime …" At this point, Harry drew his sword and touched the Dark Mark with it, sending a fiery burst of magic through it. Lucius watched as the Dark Mark – the image of a snake coming out of a skull – was replaced by the image of a fiery phoenix.

"You belong to me now," hissed Harry. "Do not dissspleassse me. We'll sssee you sssoon." They disappeared.

Lucius Malfoy woke yet again. Whew – it had only been a dream. When he drew up his sleeve, he found that it wasn't a dream, even though it seemed to be such, for the fiery phoenix was still there! How … weird …

Other Death Eaters woke up to find the same thing appearing on their arms, and they gulped in obvious fear as they recognized that they had a new master now…

~DAHP~

Now that the free Death Eaters were frightened into submission, Harry decided he could use the rest of these four years until Hogwarts to relax, spend time with his family, and keep training. One day on his morning run, he came upon a shaggy black mutt who wagged its tail like mad upon seeing him, and started barking for sheer joy. Harry smiled at it, whistled, and led it to a dog park, where it leapt upon him, knocking him down and kissing his face with such abandon, like it hadn't seen him in years.

Tommy, meanwhile, was somewhere between laughter and anger. **"Harry, what is this mutt doing to us? Harry, is this mutt trying to kiss you to death? HARRY, ANSWER ME!"**

_"Aw, Harry, he's adorable!"_ Hermione came onto the scene, and she could not keep a wide grin off of her face. She whistled for the dog, who came over to her, tail still wagging. "Sit!" The dog sat. "Good boy! Have you lost your home?" The dog looked at Harry, and started to whine. "You poor dog!" Hermione said, hugging it. While she hugged it, it de-transfigured into a man with shaggy black hair, who returned the hug.

"It's been a long time since I've received a hug from anyone, miss," he said in a hoarse voice. "Thank you."

A surprised Hermione released the hug and looked at the man. Not only was his shaggy hair quite unkempt (even more so than Harry's, and THAT was saying something), but the look in his eyes spoke of six years of torture in a prison which was a literal Hell on Earth. Her face lighted up in some recognition as she said, "Sirius Black?"

"Yes, and you are …?"

"Hermione Potter, née Granger, future Lady of House Potter."

Sirius smiled. "Milady, it is my honor to meet you. Harry, you've picked yourself a winner here. How long have I been in Azkaban?"

Harry thought for a couple moments. "I'd estimate about six years, Sirius."

"I'm sorry about that, Harry. I should have taken care of you like the godfather your parents expected me to be, but that's all in the past … can you give me a place to stay with the two of you – assuming, of course, that Hermione's parents agree?"

Harry clapped a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Sirius, you're family. Of course."

Over breakfast and tea, Sirius got to meet Dan and Emma, who loved him at once. Then he got to hear the entire story of what happened with Harry all these years. He felt saddened, troubled, and angry about Dumbledore's manipulations, as well as somewhat surprised about Tommy Riddle being Harry's friend, but he took it all in stride and accepted Harry's change of attitude, telling him, "Harry, I'll stand by you always, no matter where you lead." He also had a major laugh about Dumbledore's imprisonment, calling it "a prank worthy of a Marauder." The family decided to keep him as their pet dog, to be named "Padfoot," after his Animagus name.

** Author's Note: Cue the Theme to the movie "The Godfather". Beautiful music … it still strikes me as weird (not to mention maddening) that even though Nino Rota's score was nominated for an Oscar, the nomination was withdrawn when the Academy found out it was a rework of Nino's earlier work – come on! The music alone deserves a bloody Oscar! Speaking of Oscars, where are the Oscars for the Harry Potter film series? The Academy has one more try to get it right! In fact, I do plan to write up a fanfic imagining an Oscar ceremony giving out Oscars to the different characters, especially in consideration of the last film. **

** I would also like to take a moment to encourage my readers to look at my other work as well – "Harry Potter and the Filii Fulminis" does not have any reviews on it yet. What's it gonna take on that – another chapter? Also, I'm not the type of jerk to hold up a fanfic just because it doesn't have a certain number of reviews accrued. Those authors are just asking for a Howler in their Owl post! (I'm sure I'll get another chapter on it – eventually, as soon as I determine how it's going to continue.) I love you all – keep the love flowing around!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	13. Chapter 13

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author****'****s ****Note: ****Harry ****Potter ****and ****all ****related ****characters ****are ****the ****property ****of ****J.K. ****Rowling. ****Redwoodx, ****you****'****ve ****mentioned ****that ****I****'****ve ****let ****Dumbledore ****off ****far ****too ****lightly. ****Let****'****s ****see**** … ****he****'****s ****lost ****his ****vault ****in ****Gringotts, ****he****'****s ****lost ****Fawkes, ****he****'****s ****lost ****his ****possessions ****which ****he ****either ****stole ****from ****Harry ****or ****bought ****with ****Harry****'****s ****money, ****he****'****s ****been ****banned ****for ****life ****from ****Gringotts ****(which ****would ****mean ****almost ****certain ****economic ****death ****in ****the ****Wizarding ****World, ****I ****would ****think), ****he ****got ****a ****four-year ****sentence ****for ****his ****possession ****of ****marijuana, ****not ****to ****mention ****for ****his ****additional ****charges ****during ****the ****trial**** … ****oh, ****let****'****s ****not ****forget ****Madam ****Pomfrey ****beating ****him ****upside ****the ****head ****with ****a ****Beater****'****s ****bat ****(I ****think ****I ****took ****the**** "****bash ****Dumbledore****" ****part ****of ****the ****challenge ****a ****bit ****literally**** … ****LOL!) ****I****'****m ****just ****keeping ****him ****around ****so ****I ****can ****torture ****him ****some ****more! ****[Cue ****maniacal ****laughter]**** Am ****I ****done ****with ****him ****yet? ****Far ****from ****it!**

**Starman800: Yeah, it would have been a riot … "Sirius Gets Butt-Kicking from Hermione for scaring Her." Sirius pleads with Harry to help him, and Harry says, "Oh, sure, I'll help you out, as soon as I get this up on Youtube." LOL!**

**Angel Girl5: I have a feeling His Moony-ness is going to show up pretty soon. Regarding "It's a Small World After All" as torture, well, let's think on that a bit. Carlos Mencia, one of my all-time favorite comedians, said, "The line between Genius and Retarded is [holds up index and thumb close] THAT thin." Let's have an example:**

**Using "It's a Small World After All" to torture your victims: GENIUS!  
>Using Harry Potter as one of your victims for said torture: RETARDED!<br>Not running when Harry Potter glares at you in anger: SUPER RETARDED!  
>Being the person to set Harry Potter's temper off: DEE DEE DEE!<strong>

**Introducing Harry to this particular song might set off an international incident, so I'd be taking a risk taking this line … unless he can restrain himself …**

**So, my heartfelt apologies go out to all triskaidekaphobes, but the show must go on!**

"**My rage will be unleashed again  
>Burning the next morn<br>Death means nothing, there is no end  
>I WILL BE REBORN!" – Slayer<strong>

**Chapter 13**

**"Harry, I've been thinking that in the event that something should happen to me and I 'pass on,' so to speak, you're going to need another version of me to help you out."**

"That may be true, Tommy, but remember that my life is now tied to your life as well? To kill you, an enemy would have to kill me as well, and we know Hermione wouldn't like that."

_"__Too __right, __I __wouldn__'__t.__"_

**"****I ****think ****my ****point ****still ****stands, ****Hermione. ****We****'****re ****going ****to ****need ****all ****the ****help ****we ****can ****get, ****even ****if ****it ****is ****from**** … ****myself.****"**

"Well, Tommy, tell us more."

**"****I ****was ****thinking ****we ****could ****use ****one ****of ****my ****soul ****pieces ****in ****one ****of ****my ****Horcruxes.****"**

"Could you go into more detail? What, exactly, is a Horcrux?"

**"****A ****Horcrux, ****to ****put ****it ****simply, ****is ****an ****object ****into ****which ****a ****wizard ****puts ****a ****piece ****of ****his ****soul. ****As ****long ****as ****that ****object ****remains ****intact ****with ****the ****soul ****piece, ****the ****soul ****cannot ****pass ****on ****to ****the ****Afterlife. ****For ****the ****reason ****that ****a ****Horcrux ****is ****unnatural, ****it ****is, ****of ****course, ****forbidden ****as ****Dark ****Magic. ****When ****I ****once ****asked ****my ****Potions ****professor, ****Professor ****Slughorn, ****about ****the ****subject, ****he ****was ****very ****uneasy.****"**

_"__How __does __a __person __divide __his __soul, __Tommy?__"_

**"****Think ****of ****one ****of ****the ****most ****unnatural ****acts ****there ****is**** …"** Both Harry and Tommy caught a brief glimpse of a racy image, only to have it shoved out of their collective mind as Tommy ranted, **"****NO, ****NO, ****NO, ****NO, ****NO, ****NO, ****NO! ****THAT****'****S ****A ****BAD ****HERMIONE!**** YOU ****ARE ****A ****NAUGHTY, ****SICK, ****PERVERTED, ****TWISTED, ****LITTLE ****WITCH! ****GET ****YOUR ****MIND ****OUT ****OF ****THE ****GUTTER!****"**

"What was that image, Tommy?"

**"****You ****don****'****t ****want ****to ****know**** … ****not ****until ****you****'****re ****older,****meathead! ****I ****think ****I****'****m ****going ****to ****need ****a ****mental ****barf ****bucket ****for ****this**** – ****or ****a ****brick ****wall ****to ****beat ****my ****head ****against! ****I****'****ll ****admit, ****I****'****ve ****done ****some ****pretty ****awful ****things ****in ****my ****previous ****life, ****but ****nothing ****that ****sick!****"**

_"__I __was __off __base?__"_ Hermione almost sounded disappointed.

**"****Yes, ****Hermione, ****you ****were ****WAY ****off ****base! ****Sex, ****or ****whatever ****perverted ****variation ****of ****it ****you ****thought, ****doesn****'****t ****even ****enter ****into ****the ****equation. ****It****'****s ****murder!****"**

_"__Oh__ … __yet __another __reason __why __it__'__s __forbidden, __Tommy? __You __have __to __kill __a __person __to __create __a __Horcrux?__"_

**"****Yes!**** The ****Smartest, ****and ****I ****might ****possibly ****add, ****The ****Most ****Perverted ****Witch ****of ****the ****Age ****figures ****it ****out ****yet ****again!****"**

_"__You __aren__'__t __going __to __let __me __forget __about __that, __will __you?__"_

**"****Nope.****"**

"Okay, so getting back to the topic, and off of Hermione's perverted imagination," (there was an indignant _"__Hey!__"_ from Hermione), "you said Horcruxes, Tommy. How many have you made, and which objects did you use?"

Tommy counted quickly to himself. **"****I**** created ****six ****in ****all, ****one ****of ****them ****quite ****by ****accident. ****I ****used ****my ****Uncle ****Morfin's ****ring**** (after ****framing ****him ****for ****my ****father's ****murder), ****Slytherin****'****s ****locket, ****Hufflepuff****'****s ****cup, ****Ravenclaw****'****s ****Diadem, ****my ****Diary, ****and ****the ****accidental ****Horcrux ****is ****you, ****Harry.****"**

"I think I figured that out, Tommy."

Hermione had tears in her eyes at this thought. _"__Does __this __mean __Harry __may __have __to __die __so __we __can __defeat __Voldemort?__"_

**"****I ****hope ****not, ****Hermione, ****I ****most ****certainly ****hope ****not. ****I ****just ****want ****a ****nice, ****happy ****life ****with ****the ****two ****of ****you ****without ****some ****Manipulative ****Old ****Prick ****or ****a ****Dark ****Lord ****Wannabe ****who ****wants ****to ****kill ****us, ****is ****that ****too ****much ****to ****ask? ****A ****beautiful ****and ****smart ****lady ****to ****love ****won****'****t ****be ****bad, ****either**** …"** Tommy sighed.

"You still miss Ophelia, don't you?"

**"****Yes.****"**

_"__How __about __we __bring __her __back __for __you?__"_

**"****First**** off, ****no ****offense, ****Hermione, ****but ****I****'****d ****almost ****say ****you****'****re ****out ****of ****your ****freaking ****mind**** – ****it****'****s ****impossible! ****Second ****of ****all, ****even ****if ****it ****was ****possible, ****how ****would ****we ****do ****it?****"**

_"__Remember __the __Tale __of __the __Three __Brothers __from __Beedle __the __Bard?__"_

**"****You****'****re ****giving ****me ****that ****fairy ****tale ****as ****an ****answer? ****Hermione, ****you ****have ****to ****do ****better ****than ****that.****"**

"Tommy, I thought you grew up with Muggles. Where did you hear of Beedle the Bard, whoever he was?"

**"****I ****did ****grow ****up ****with ****Muggles, ****Harry, ****but ****I ****later ****got ****to ****read ****Beedle ****the ****Bard, ****a ****storyteller ****from ****the ****Wizarding ****World, ****when ****I ****was ****at ****Hogwarts. ****His ****collection ****of ****fairy ****tales ****is ****a ****good ****one.****"**

"Okay, before we go any further in this discussion, what is the Tale of the Three Brothers?"

_"__Harry,__it__'__s __about __these __three __brothers __who __conjure __a __bridge __to __cross __a __river. __When __they __cross, __they __meet __Death, __who __offers __each __one __a __reward __for __being __so __clever __as __to __beat __him. __The __first __one __asks __for __the __most __powerful __wand __in __existence, __so __Death __makes __him __the __Elder __Wand. __The __second __one __asks __for __a __way __to __recall __people __from __Death, __so __Death __makes __him __the __Resurrection __Stone. __The __third, __being __humble, __asks __for __a __way __to __leave __without __being __seen __by __Death, __and __so __Death __hands __over __his __Invisibility __Cloak._

_The first brother went into a town and picked a fight with another wizard, beating him with no problems. Proud as he was, he bragged that nobody could beat him with his new wand. That night, another wizard stole the Elder Wand and slit his throat."_

Harry cringed. "Ew … continue, Hermione."

_"__The __second __brother __went __home __and __used __the __stone __to __recall __his __fiancée, __who __had __died __a __tragic __death. __Having __gone __from __this __world, __she __did __not __belong __in __it __anymore, __and __because __of __this,__she __seemed __cold __and __distant. __In __despair, __the __second __brother __hung __himself._

_As for the third brother, Death could not find him, no matter where he searched, until one day, many years later, the third brother passed it on to his son, and so, he left with Death as an equal."_

**"****Yeah, ****that's ****great, ****Hermione**** … ****give ****us ****a ****story ****about ****the ****Elder ****Wand, ****the ****most ****powerful ****wand ****in ****existence, ****the ****Resurrection ****Stone, ****which ****can ****bring ****back ****the ****dead**** … ****that's ****what ****you ****were ****thinking ****of, ****right?****"**

_"__Yes. __Continue, __Tommy.__"_

**"****And**** … ****holy ****mother ****of ****Merlin, ****we ****have ****an ****Invisibility ****Cloak, ****don't ****we, ****Harry?****"**

"Oh, yeah, Tommy, that we do!" Harry got it out and felt it. Sirius had told him that it was his dad's when he got the delivery from Ragnok (which had the possessions which the Headmaster had stolen from him, or bought with his money). "So what does this mean?"

_"__Harry, __Tommy, __I'm __thinking __if __one __of __these __objects __exists, __surely __the __others __exist __as __well. __What __do __you __think, __Tommy?__"_

**"****It's ****a ****long ****shot, ****Hermione, ****but ****if ****we're ****lucky ****it'll ****be ****worth ****it. ****Tomorrow ****morning, ****we ****head ****out ****to ****Godric's ****Hollow ****to ****find ****some ****clues ****on ****this.****"**

~DAHP~

In the cemetery of Godric's Hollow, Professor Severus Snape was kneeling in front of Lily Potter's grave with tears in his eyes. He then heard a voice say, "Hello, Severus, you're just the man I was hoping to see."

Professor Snape turned around to see a familiar young boy with dark eyes, but it couldn't be … "Milord?"

"Severus, is something wrong?"

"Milord, forgive me, but I heard you died."

"That's true, Severus. I did die, but a piece of me got stuck in Harry Potter, all thanks to Lily's sacrifice."

"You mean her murder, Milord." Severus's voice was cold.

"She need not have died, Severus ..."

"AND YET YOU KILLED HER ANYWAY!"

"That's true, Severus. I will not deny it. Did Dumbledore tell you what he did with Harry Potter?"

"All the Headmaster told me was that Potter was safe."

"That's a lie, Professor Snape," growled Harry, revealing himself. "I was far from safe at the house he placed me – in fact, the abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle almost saw me dead once."

Upon hearing this, Severus's black eyes started smoldering with flames – he, too, had suffered abuse – at the hands of his father, a magic-hating Muggle named Tobias Snape. "Milord Potter, it is an honor to meet you at last. I'm hoping my ears are deceiving me – you were abused?"

"Professor Snape –" began Harry.

"Milord Potter, you may call me Severus. I'm not your professor yet."

"Very well – Severus – I haven't received my Lordship yet, so you could call me Harry, if you so wish."

"Granted, but it is an old habit. Also, I take it that since you conquered the Dark Lord, you are the one behind this phoenix image on my arm."

Harry grinned. "Oh, yeah – guilty as charged. While we're here, let me introduce you to the future Lady Potter ..." at that point, Hermione came out, "Hermione."

"Milady," Severus said, kissing her hand.

"Severus, you do us great pleasure. So, can you tell us whose side you're on – Dumbledore's, Voldemort's, or ours?"

"I am on your side, of course, Milady, but can you answer me one question?"

"Yes, you may."

"Isn't this person with My Lord and Lady none other than Lord Voldemort?"

"No, Severus, his name's Tommy Riddle – the person who would later become known as Lord Voldemort."

"My apologies, Master Riddle. You still look as charismatic as ever when I first met you."

"Thank you, Severus, but please – call me Tommy."

As he talked with these three people, Severus Snape became more convinced that Dumbledore was not the wonderful Leader of the Light who he claimed to be – he suspected as much, but this entire conversation affirmed his suspicions, causing him to solidify his allegiance as a vassal to the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter and its future Lord and Lady. Harry, Tommy, and Hermione could not have been happier, especially when they found the graves of the the three Peverell brothers with an interesting symbol – a vertically bisected circle within a triangle. Tommy said, "Harry, Hermione, Severus, I recognize the symbol! I've seen it on my uncle's ring!"

"Tommy, this is excellent!" said Hermione. "It seems that the Peverells were the original owners of the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone, and the Invisibility Cloak. We're making excellent progress indeed. Now all we need is a victim, and we will be all set."

"A victim, you say, Milady? I have the perfect one in mind ..." said Severus.

~DAHP~

A little rat called Scabbers, but better known as Peter Pettigrew, was running around the home of a family known as the Weasleys, who had taken him in as a pet rat, not knowing about his status as an Animagus. The Weasleys claimed to be a family of the Light, but that was not the entire story. The family had become cursed with poverty ever since it weaselled away in cowardice from the service of its Lord Potter in battle, hence the name. In spite of their cowardice, however the Weasleys managed to make it into Gryffindor House for so many years remained a mystery. The only two that did not go into Gryffindor House, going into Slytherin instead, were disowned without a moment's thought. The thought of any Weasley inside the pit of snakes known as Slytherin House was anathema, after all, there was a reputation to uphold.

Ever since he felt his mark burn, Pettigrew was very worried about his status, especially considering that his old master had been conquered. Following the summmons, he found his new master, Harry Potter, who trapped him in a snug cage and took him before the Ministry for questioning. Being pumped full of Veritaserum (a truth potion), he sang like a little jailbird, bringing forth a full pardon for Sirius Black. As a token of thanks, the Ministry decided to hand Pettigrew over to Harry's custody. A gleeful Harry said to him, "When I'm done with you, Pettigrew, you will have wished the Ministry had handed you to the Dementors."

Peter Pettigrew's fate was to have both of his hands cut off as ingredients in the potions to bring back Tommy Riddle and Ophelia Granger. Tommy Riddle came out of his cauldron looking very much like the young boy who had entered Hogwarts all those years ago, with his jet-black hair and dark eyes. The beautiful Ophelia Granger had black hair and eyes of a cold sky blue. Upon seeing her, Harry thought of a stanza of poetry by George Gordon, Lord Byron, which read:

"She walks in beauty, like the night  
>Of cloudless climes and starry skies;<br>And all that's best in dark and bright  
>Meet in her aspect and her eyes:<br>Thus mellowed to that tender light  
>Which Heaven to gaudy day denies."<p>

After they had finished torturing Pettigrew, they killed him by slitting his throat. King Minos threw him into the icy lake of Treachery in the time span of a few seconds.

The Angel of Death appeared amidst the gathering, and while he was not happy about Ophelia coming back to Earth, he was somewhat mollified by the death of Peter Pettigrew. He also asked for a couple other things in exchange. The first thing he asked for would be the rest of Voldemort's Horcruxes – Tommy's new body and his soul piece in Harry would be permitted to stay. He gave them a ball to store the active Horcruxes; when they had all of them, the ball could be tossed into the Veil at the Ministry. The other thing he asked for was the soul of Albus Dumbledore – he said, "As for how to get that, use your imagination."

~DAHP~

Now that Sirius was pardoned, Pettigrew was dead, and Tommy and Ophelia were living again, the foursome, along with the Grangers and Sirius decided to head out for a vacation to Disney World. There, they got to meet Remus "Moony" Lupin, who held the distinction of being the only Marauder who was also a Prefect. He also held the distinction of being a werewolf, but this didn't bother Harry in the least. What DID bother Harry was the incessant song of "It's a Small World After All." Thanks to the fact that the rest of his group held him down, Disney World was not obliterated off the map!

Coming out of Disney World, Harry was trembling. "Please, just make it stop ..."

"It's all right, darling, you're okay now," said Hermione, kissing him.

Sirius and Remus sneezed, "Get a room!"

Harry turned to glare at them for a moment, then rolled his eyes as he mutterred, "What are we gonna do with those two nutcases?"

~DAHP~

"HARRY! HARRY! WE'VE GOT OUR LETTERS TO HOGWARTS, ALL FOUR OF US!" Tommy came running into the dining room, his face lit up in excitement.

"All four of us? Really?" Ophelia was just as excited.

"Let's see … Harry James Potter, Hermione Jean Granger, Thomas Marvolo Riddle … can't they just call me Tommy on these things? … oh, and Ophelia Minerva Granger."

A squealing missile impacted into Tommy, and he fell down. Ophelia then gave him a resounding kiss, accompanied by another blinding light, this one of blue and black. When it faded, Harry quipped, "It looks like we'll have to change her middle name to Missile, eh, Tommy?"

With a slight wince, Tommy got up. "We're gonna have to change her last name too, Harry … to Riddle."

"Tommy, I was joking about changing her middle name to Missile ..."

"Well, I wasn't joking about her last name changing, Harry ..."

"Wait, you mean ..." Tommy nodded, and this time, it was Harry who impacted into him, screaming, "I'M GONNA HAVE AN UNCLE! I'M GONNA HAVE AN UNCLE!"

"Correction, Harry," said a smiling Hermione, "you're gonna have a great-uncle."

"Yep, Hermione, that's it … I'm great, and now I'm an uncle as well."

"No, Tommy, that's not what I … oh, forget it. Congratulations, Tommy. Welcome to the family."

**"****Hermione, ****what ****do ****you ****mean? ****I'm ****already ****part ****of ****the ****family!****"**

_"__Well, __now __you're __part __of __the __family __in __two __ways, __Tommy. __You're __married __to __Ophelia, __and __you're __a __part __of __Harry.__"_

Ophelia said, "Wait a minute … we can hear each other in our thoughts?"

**"****That's ****right, ****Ophelia. ****We ****can.****"**

Harry thought with a groan, "Oy, gevalt, I'm living in a cuckoo clock ..."

**"****We're ****all ****in ****this ****together, ****Harry. ****All ****of ****us ****are ****here ****to ****support ****you.****"**

"That's right, Harry. Tommy and I owe all this to you."

Fawkes took the letters to Minerva McGonagall, who smiled at the news about Ophelia.

~DAHP~

Harry's 11th birthday could not arrive too soon. With it arrived at least four visitors: Professor Minerva McGonagall, Head of Gryffindor House, Professor Pomona Sprout, Head of Hufflepuff House, Professor Filius Flitwick, Head of Ravenclaw House, and Professor Snape, Head of Slytherin House. With these were Griphook and Lord Ragnok. Upon entering, they greeted Harry with, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LORD POTTER!"

"I should have known you would show up to greet me with that," said Harry with a smile. "Welcome, Professors, Master Griphook, and Lord Ragnok, to my humble abode."

"My name is Professor Minerva McGonagall, Lord Potter. Your parents were two of my favorite students. With me here are the other Heads of House: Professor Pomona Sprout, Professor Filius Flitwick, and Professor Severus Snape."

"Well, before I protest that I haven't received my Lordship yet, let me now get to it: I, Harry James Potter, do accept my position as Lord of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter, so mote it be." With that statement, a red flash of lightning hit his hand, where a ring appeared with a phoenix on it – the ring of the Potter family. "Good. Now that the matter is taken care of, let me introduce you to the rest of my family. First, I would like to introduce the Lady Hermione Jean Potter." Hermione came with a brilliant smile on her face as she said, "Welcome again to you all, Professors and Goblins."

"Next, let me introduce her parents, Dr. Dan and Dr. Emma Granger." They came in smiling and shook everyone's hands, even those of the Goblins.

"Some of you may know these two troublemakers … my Godfather, Sirius 'Padfoot' Black, and my honorary uncle, Remus 'Moony' Lupin."

"HEY! What kind of way is that to introduce your Godfather, Milord?"

"It's an accurate way of describing you two knuckleheads, Sirius."

Remus put a hand to his chest. "Milord, you wound me. You know I was the smarts of your father's group, may he rest in peace."

"Your Moony-ness may be right about that, but I also know what a bad influence Padfoot can be on you. Not to mention you're a bad influence on him, especially when the words 'drinking contest' are involved."

This brought out a guffaw from Professor Snape, as Professor McGonagall asked with a smirk, "So how long have you lived with these two – animals?"

"Oh, about four years, Professor McGonagall. It's a miracle my sanity's still intact."

"Try seven years, Milord." This brought out yet more laughter. When everyone had calmed down, Harry continued, "Last but not least are my two vassals, probably my closest vassals because they are also family. Let me introduce you to Tommy and Ophelia Riddle."

There was a collective gasp of awe at the new couple. Tommy said, "Good morning, Professors and most honored Goblins."

Professor Flitwick cleared his throat. "Mrs. Riddle, your face looks quite familiar. Were you at Hogwarts before?"

"Yes, I was, Professor. I was in Ravenclaw House. My name was originally Ophelia Granger."

"Why don't we all sit down and have some tea? I have a feeling this is going to take a while," said Harry. He then told what he could of his story, with plenty of commentary support from Tommy and Hermione. When the tale was finished, Professor McGonagall asked, "So, Milord, what do you suggest we do about Albus 'Manipulative Old Prick' Dumbledore? He can't stay in jail forever, you know."

"Let him come back to Hogwarts, so we can make more trouble for him."

"Speaking of trouble, Milord, I have to run back home and get my present for you," said Severus. "I'll be right back." He left the house and Disapparated.

"I hope it's not more trouble he means, Professor McGonagall."

"Milord, Severus used to be a serious person, that is, until those two went into his house."

Severus came back with two twins behind him. The sight of these two produced a roar of laughter from everyone gathered, as the hair was painted green, but the red hair refused to go. As Harry managed to calm down, he said through his laughter, "Severus … I know … it's my birthday … you didn't have to get my Christmas present too!" That comment set off another round of laughter.

"Milord, allow me to present to you Fred and George, formerly of the Weasley family. Fred, George, this is Lord Harry Potter."

"Were they disowned, Severus? If so, for what reason?"

"Milord," began Fred, "as you may or may not know, the Weasley family got its name from weaselling out of its service in battle to its sovreign liege Lord Potter, and has suffered from poverty ever since."

"As soon as the Weasleys had a daughter, by the name of Ginny, they've started a plot to get out of poverty," said George.

"Was this the same Ginny who made a marriage contract with me?"

"Aye, Milord, it's the very same Ginny. The plan, very simply, was this – "

" – Hopefully, you would arrive at Hogwarts with no friends, except, perhaps, for our little brother Ron – "

" – Dumber than a troll, he is, Ron. He's dumber than a train wreck, even. Tends to have a constant case of 'foot-in-mouth,' and he speaks before he thinks."

"I think trolls might take offence at that, Fred. Ron has awful table manners, too, not to mention he's lazy. We think Mum wants him to hook up with someone intelligent, someone like – oh, I don't know … Milady," George said bowing to Hermione.

"I'm sorry, boys, but I'm already taken."

"Ophelia's also taken, boys, and Ron's not going to get through me," said Tommy, stepping in front of her. "Perhaps you've heard of me – Tommy Riddle."

"Yes, we have, Tommy, and you're a legend in Slytherin. Won't Hogwarts be surprised to have you back!"

"Back to the subject, Fred … George … what would the family do if I was already taken?" asked Harry.

"They would spike you with Love Potions," they said back.

"That sounds bad."

"It IS bad, Milord," said Severus, whose voice had lost all humor. "When ingested, a Love Potion can cause you to fall into a state of infatuated delirium for an amount of time. There's no telling what you might do under its influence. Strengths of a Love Potion's effects can range from light infatuation, to lust, and, at a certain point, it can induce a coma or death. Of course, for these reasons and more, Love Potions are seen as some of the darkest potions around, and even attempted use of them on a human being can have severe legal consequences."

"When we learned of the plan, we refused to participate in it and the Weasleys disowned us. Having that on our records, we made it into Slytherin and have never looked back."

Harry stood up. "Considering this, lads, I am willing to adopt you into my family. I, Lord Harry James Potter of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter, do accept you Fred, and you, George, into my family as my brothers. So mote it be."

"We accept," the twins said. The phoenix motif of the Potter family appeared on their robes.

~DAHP~

Since the group had bought most of their supplies already, there was one more stop to make at Ollivander's. Ollivander, it turned out, was an old wandmaker who had an uncanny memory for his customers and their wands. "Tom Riddle … thirteen and a half inches, yew wood, phoenix tail feather. You still have it, I trust?"

"Yes, indeed, Ollivander. My friends here need wands."

Ollivander turned to Ophelia. "Ophelia Granger … ten inches, ash wood, unicorn hair."

"It's Riddle now, Ollivander. Ophelia Riddle."

"Is that so? Congratulations! Now, how about we find you a new wand? Let's see … here we go … nine inches, willow, and a tail hair of a Thestral ..." Ophelia waved the wand and it produced a blue spakle. "Marvelous! Now, to find new wands for these ..."

He turned to Hermione. "Lady Potter, here's a wand … 9¾ inches, vinewood, core of dragon heartstring ..." Hermione waved it and it shot blue fire. "Most excellent! Now, Lord Potter … let me see … here we go … 11 inches, holly wood, core of phoenix feather ..." The wand worked just as well for Harry, producing a bolt of lightning. "Very good," said Ollivander. "Very good indeed ..."

~DAHP~

The trip to Hogwarts was uneventful. Thanks to the concealments on the cloaks, the group was not bothered by any others, except for the trolley lady, who gave them sweets. Harry did get to meet one boy on the train – Neville Longbottom, whom he decided to take under his wing. For his part, Neville looked up to Harry and was more than happy to be considered his friend and ally … "Wherever you go, Harry, there I will go, even if it's into the mouth of Hell."

Tommy ruffled Neville's hair. "Harry, I like this kid. To keep him I want, for far in the ways of the Force he shall go."

Harry smiled. "Yes, Neville will go far, regardless of where he ends up. His loyalty would get him in Hufflepuff, while his bravery will get him into Gryffindor. Although, I hope he has cunning and ambition enough for Slytherin."

~DAHP~

"First years over here! First years over here! Lord Potter, how are you?"

This greeting came from a large giant. Tommy thought, **"****Oh, ****this ****is ****just ****great. ****Rubeus ****Hagrid ****is ****still ****here? ****Awkward!****"**

"I'm doing well, sir. How about you?"

"I'm doing fine. Glad to see you're making friends already. They're some of the most important people to you, friends are. Everyone here? Allright, no more than four to a boat!"

As this class of first years made it sailing across the Black Lake, Harry found Ron and with a wandless push, sent him out of the boat to fall into the Lake, then, much to the laughter of everyone else, the Giant Squid picked him up and tossed him to the other shore like a quarterback tosses a football, all while Tommy was humming the Notre Dame Fight Song. Upon seeing Ron land, Harry put up his hands and said, "It's good!" He could also see Draco Malfoy, some distance away, laughing and mouthing at him, "Good one, Lord Potter!"

~DAHP~

Albus Dumbledore was back, and he didn't have anything to worry about for now. He watched as the first years came up, and started wondering to himself, "Where is Harry Potter?" Strange as it may have sounded, Harry was nowhere to be seen, nor was Miss Granger.

The Sorting came along, and, according to the list that Professor McGonagall was reading through, Harry Potter had not made it to Hogwarts this year. He was so sure that Harry would be here this year …

Neville Longbottom, Slytherin. That was a bit of a surprise. Draco Malfoy, Slytherin. That wasn't so surprising … his father Lucius was a Slytherin, after all. Ophelia Riddle? What was going on here? Slytherin? His face blanched when he heard, "Thomas Riddle." It couldn't be! Of course, the Sorting Hat put him into Slytherin … no big surprise there … but where was Harry? Ron Weasley went into Gryffindor, of course … but where was Harry?

The Sorting Hat spoke up: "And now, without further ado, please welcome the Lord and Lady of Hogwarts … Lord Harry Potter and his Lady, Hermione Potter!"

A boom of thunder filled the air and lightning lit up the sky as Harry and Hermione appeared at the Entrance to the Great Hall. Tommy and Ophelia stood up and started using their wands to conduct a rythmic figure in 4/4 time: one eighth note, eighth rest, another eighth note, two sixteenth notes, an eighth note, two sixteenth note triplets, and an eighth note to finish, all at a moderately slow pace. Fred and George added the trumpet parts, and the Muggle-borns joined in, recognizing the tune as "The Imperial March" by John Williams. The Pureblood bigots didn't recognize it for what it was, of course, but the symbolism of the Muggle-borns singing along to this could not be mistaken for anything else but, "Your kingdom's going down, scumbags!"

The Sorting Hat was placed upon their heads, which called out, "Oh, yeah, I know where you two belong, allright, no doubt about it … SLYTHERIN!"


	14. Chapter 14

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. Redwoodx, in some ways, I see your point about Dumbledore still breathing. You're thinking he should just be killed off, like that, I take it … but the thing is, while I am going to have him killed off, I'm going to make him miserable in the meantime. You can't bash someone who's dead, after all … it's pointless, like beating a dead horse, you know? Madam Pomfrey's begging me to let her go all Annie Wilkes on Dumbledore next time he gets to visit the Hospital Wing … see "Misery" by Stephen King. It's a great book and movie. Thank God I'm not scared of my fans, but that work pushes the envelope of author paranoia to a new height! Stephen King is, without a doubt, one of the greatest authors of all time.**

**Then there's the question, "What do [I] have against Gryffindor?" My answer is: Nothing. Ronald "Troll-Brain" Weasley is way too stupid for Ravenclaw, and his only loyalty is to his bottomless stomach, so that tosses out Hufflepuff (not to add in the fact he's lazy). That leaves us with the choices of Slytherin and Gryffindor. Being biased against Slytherin, he would want to go into Gryffindor (it's where all the family has gone, with the exception of the disowned Twins), and let's remember that Harry had not shown up yet. Of course, Harry and Hermione's placement into Slytherin is going to cause a major uproar. I repeat: I have nothing against Gryffindor, just a couple Gryffindors, namely Ron "Troll-Brain" Weasley and Percy "Wand-Stuck-Up-His-Arse" Weasley. If he went into Slytherin, well, his life-span would be shorter … much shorter. It isn't going to be long anyway, especially if what I think is going to happen, happens … [wink]. Feed him to Blinky the Basilisk? There's an idea … so many ways for the Troll-Brain to die … which one shall I choose? [Manic laughter.]**

**Angel Girl5, looking at the Misuse of Drugs Act of 1971 (the main law covering the use of drugs in the United Kingdom), the maximum jail sentence for possession of a Class B drug is five years, at least that's what I could tell. And yes, he probably has been sucking on something other than lemon drops while incarcerated … sour grapes, perhaps? LOL. Quirrel-Mort is definitely around, but considering that Hagrid didn't come by to pick up Harry on his 11th birthday, the two haven't met before this point in time. **

**As for Slytherin Neville, oh, boy, am I going to have some fun with his character! Do you remember that total BAMF that Matthew Lewis turned into towards the end of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II"? Yeah, he's going to be something like that. See one of my favorite stories, "The Bad Assery of Neville Longbottom" by Supernova Jes just to get an idea of what a BAMF he is!**

**Okay, enough of my rambling. On with the story!**

**Chapter 14**

SLYTHERIN. That one word from the Sorting Hat flushed most of Dumbledore's plans for the Greater Good down the toilet, except for one. He sent Hagrid to get his top secret security item from Gringotts, and Hagrid did so with no trouble. The item in question was a rock about the size of an egg, but it was colored blood-red. His friend Nicholas Flamel had created an object called the Philosopher's Stone, a key ingredient in creating the Elixir of Life, which could grant immortality. He knew it would be too good of a prize for Voldemort to ignore. Nicholas, however, refused to give him the Stone, but this was not a problem after all, since Dumbledore managed to create a convincing replica of it – yes, the item he sent Hagrid to retrieve was a fake Philosopher's Stone. He was sure it would not matter – in the end, Voldemort was going to come back, one way or another, and Harry had to be ready for that day. Harry as a Slytherin, though, was still going to be a major headache.

Oy, how he missed his lemon drops, even if that last batch was laced with marijuana and jalapeño. Even though the Wizarding World had no laws against marijuana (it was considered a relaxant), the Muggle world, even Britain, had problems with marijuana, and considered it a criminal offense to even possess it. Four years in a British Muggle jail … oy, vey, the humanity! "Where's a good bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky when I need it?" he thought. "Oy, my head …"

Much to his dismay, his headache was going to worsen, as, after the meal started, a loudmouthed Troll-Brain shouted, "WHAT? Potter gets to go into Slytherin with his Lady while I'm left here high and dry? Where's the intelligent Mudblood you promised me, Headmaster?"

Oh, no! Of all the idiots to speak up at this point in time, Ronald Weasley just had to open his giant mouth. Within the split second of shocked silence, Tommy thought to Harry, **"****Do ****you ****want ****us ****to ****respond?****"**

"Nah, Tommy, wait for it. This is gonna be good …"

Much to the delight of Harry and company, all the Gryffindors (with the exception of Percy) got up and started to give Ron the whaling of a lifetime. Percy tried to stop it, but he, too, joined Ron as a victim, while the Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins were laughing at the Weasley predicament. The beating lasted for a couple minutes, and when it was over, both of them sported bloody noses, black eyes and were unconscious.

**"****I ****have ****to ****admit, ****Harry, ****my ****opinion ****of ****Gryffindor ****House ****has ****risen ****a ****hundredfold. ****They ****sure ****have ****coglioni.****"**

"Refresh my memory, Tommy – what are coglioni?"

**"****It's ****an ****Italian ****expression ****and ****it ****refers ****to ****balls. ****You ****remember ****what ****balls ****are, ****right, ****Harry? ****It ****refers ****to ****your ****Easter ****basket ****that, ****in ****a ****few ****years, ****will ****be ****bouncing ****around ****on ****Hermione's**** – ****OW, ****HERMIONE, ****WHAT ****WAS ****THAT ****FOR?****"** This last bit was because Hermione had given Tommy's body a wandless smack.

_"__Harry __does __not __need __you __'arousing' __him __at __this __point __in __time, __Tommy, __not __at __the __start __of __our __first __year.__"_

**"****So ****says ****the ****perverted ****little ****minx ****who ****drives ****Harry ****nuts ****every ****day. ****I ****haven't ****got ****any ****giggity ****in ****all ****the ****time ****that ****I've ****been ****alive, ****so ****try ****to ****cut ****me ****a ****little ****slack! ****Not ****only ****do ****I ****have ****to ****put ****up ****with ****my ****hormones, ****I ****also ****have ****his ****hormones! ****HOW ****WOULD ****YOU ****THINK ****IT ****WOULD ****BE?****"**

Hermione rolled her eyes. _"__You __forget, __Tommy, __I've __seen __every __one __of __his __dreams. __I've __even __seen __the __perverted __ones.__"_

**"****Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiight****...****"** said Tommy with a strong tone of sarcasm. He looked around the room, and said, **"****Harry, ****do ****you ****see ****that ****man ****in ****the ****purple ****turban ****by ****Professor ****Snape? ****I ****sense ****he ****has ****a ****piece ****of ****me.****"**

"Yeah, Tommy, I got a brief glimpse of him. He has a piece of you centered around the back of his head, is that it? That has to be terrible for him."

**"****Incoming ****Legilimency ****probe ****from ****the ****MOP, ****Harry. ****Look ****in ****the ****old ****man's ****eyes ****so ****I ****can ****catch ****it ****and ****give ****him ****a ****taste ****of ****his ****own ****medicine.****"** Harry did so, as Tommy caught the Legilimency probe and dragged Dumbledore into Harry's mind.

Once there, Dumbledore met a large figure in black armor, who was breathing via machine. **"****Good ****evening, ****Headmaster. ****You ****have ****caused ****enough ****problems ****for ****Potter, ****and ****I ****have ****brought ****you ****here ****to ****warn ****you ****that ****you ****are ****going ****to ****die ****very ****soon.****"**

"Who are you?"

**"****My ****name, ****Headmaster, ****is ****not ****important. ****Think ****of ****me ****as ****the ****Dark ****Side**** … ****of ****whose ****power ****you ****are ****ignorant**** … ****think ****of ****me ****as ****the ****sound ****of ****your ****inevitable ****death**** … ****and ****the ****death ****of ****all P****ureblood ****bigots ****who ****stand ****in ****my ****way.****"**

"Harry Potter needs me and the help I can offer him."

**"****NO, ****HE ****DOES ****NOT ****NEED ****YOUR ****HELP, ****AND ****HE ****NEVER ****WILL! ****You, ****Headmaster, ****have ****helped ****enough, ****and ****your ****help ****would ****have ****seen ****Potter ****to ****an ****early ****grave! ****I ****find ****your ****lack ****of ****respect ****for ****Potter ****to ****be ****disturbing****...****" **Dumbledore's body started to choke …** "****Farewell, ****Headmaster****...****"** As Dumbledore fell out of his chair, unconscious, Tommy added, **"****What's ****my ****name? ****Avada ****Kedavra, ****bitch!****"**

Professor McGonagall saw Dumbledore fainting and took charge. "Students of Hogwarts, may I please have your attention?" The crowd of students became silent. "Thank you. My name is Professor McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and Head of Gryffindor House. Seeing that the Headmaster is indisposed ..." (Tommy snorted to himself) "he had some words to say to you. The Forbidden Forest is what its name implies, forbidden. Several of our older students would be wise to remember this ..." here she glared at the Twins, who shrugged.

"Mister Filch, our caretaker, has a list of items that are banned from the school. If you wish to see the full list, you can find it on his office door. Last of all, the right hand corridor of the third floor is off limits to those who do not wish to die a painful death. That is all, so off to your dorms. Lord and Lady Potter, if you two will come forward please ..."

Harry and Hermione did so. "Yes, Professor?"

"Will you two do me the honor of escorting my Lions to Gryffindor Tower? I'll take care of the Headmaster and Messieurs Weasley. Will somebody please let them know that they will have a month's detention with me, assuming they come to?"

"Of course."**  
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The Angel of Death, unseen, started laughing to himself as he watched the scene. He knew the Manipulative Old Prick didn't have much time left ... nor did these two Weasleys, for that matter ...

**Author's Note: HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL! I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter!**


	15. Chapter 15

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. 224 people (and still counting) have put this on their Favorite Stories list! WOO-HOO-HOO! Kisses and hugs to everyone!**

**First off, to my old fans, starting with my Muse, Angel Girl5: I'm surprised that Ron said something understandable during the feast, knowing how obsessed he is with food. I don't know what's stuck up Percy's arse, and I don't want to know. It would explain how he's so bloody constipated all the time … boys and girls, can you say "tight arse"?**

**This brings me to a miniature rant on the subject of language. Being that my ancestry is part French, I can be very liberal on such things like language. I could care less what people think of me, though, as a personal policy, I only reserve the vulgar language for times when I'm REALLY mad. Using God's name in vain (such as alongside a vulgar term) is out of the question. Unless there is a good reason, I will not use what George Carlin termed the "Seven Dirty Words You Cannot Say on TV" … great monologue … okay, "tits" is a possible exception … George Carlin said, "It sounds like a snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right, a snack. And I don't mean your sexist snack: I'M TALKING ABOUT NEW NABISCO TITS! The new cheese tits! Corn tits, pizza tits, sesame tits, onion tits … tater tits … BET YOU CAN'T EAT JUST ONE!"**

**Speaking on the subject of tits (also known as boobs … mmmmmmm … boooooooobs …), Robin Williams had this to say: "When guys say to you, 'Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, ok? Mmm-hmm, do it for me, do it for your daddy man,' and you say, 'Okay, daddy man, then I want you to get your balls done for me, ok? I want you to get those big old Voit basketballs, so when you do the Baywatch thing, it's like …' [sways]. Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny!" LOL … Robin Williams cracks me up!**

**Regarding Momma Molly, I'm sure she'll receive a notice of her son's rude comment. I don't know if we'll see her reaction here, we'll have to wait and see. As for Ron, I can sense so many Cartman jokes coming his way!**

**Redwoodx, I love your question. Where do Harry and Hermione, the Lord and Lady of Hogwarts, sleep? Here's my answer: They sleep wherever they want! I don't know if there is a Founder's Quarters, but they'll have a little business to take care of before they can get to sleep. Therefore, I don't think the question of where they sleep matters at all.**

**To my newer fans, such as Jim Red Hawk and Jiopaba, among many others, I say welcome! Regarding the line "ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER" in Chapter 6, I was going for a literal translation of the Italian line, "Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate," and it's from "The Inferno" by Dante Aligheri. Jim Red Hawk, I'm glad you're enjoying Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson as characters. To be technical, they belong to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And, yes, it's sad to hear about the loss of your book of Sherlock Holmes stories … :(**

**Jiopaba, that authorial voice phenomenon you mention … I'm glad it's increasing your enjoyment of my story. (He hears a friend's voice in his head when he reads … must be interesting …) Al Pacino's Scarface character as Tommy? I never thought of that, but then there would be a whole lot more mention of "cock-a-roaches" and other foul terms flying … well, Joe Pesci could be foul too. When you think about it, Tony Montana is a Cubano, and that would change the style of Tommy's speech, if Al Pacino's Scarface was playing him. Yeah, you can see it now, right? "Say hello to my little wand!" [rolls eyes] That sounds so wrong … it's like something a guy would say as he's getting ready to get in bed with a girl … (Giggity giggity OH!)**

**How come wetbacks/Latinos don't go to Hogwarts? It's true: you never notice one wetback at Hogwarts. Carlos Mencia explained why: "Harry goes to a private wizards's school. All the Latino kids go to a public wizards's school, where 50 kids have to share one magic wand."**

**Last question before we continue: due to its violent content (and some of the language), do y'all suggest that I up this to an M? For the record, just because I up it to an M does not mean you're going to see any giggity – I don't think I can write a giggity scene to save my life! LOL!**

"**You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!" - George Carlin**

**Chapter 15**

Albus Dumbledore, unconscious in the Hospital Wing, found himself walking down a long street. At one end he saw a couple young girls swinging a jump rope, their eerie, otherworldly singing sending chills up his spine:

"One, two, Harry's coming for you!  
>Three, four, Albus Dumbledore!<br>Five, six, you're a mean old prick!  
>Seven, eight, try to stay awake!<br>Nine, ten, you will meet your end!"

He heard a metallic screeching, similar to the sound of nails on a chalkboard. He spun around … and froze. Until this point, he could say with all honesty that nothing frightened him. Now, there was something for him to fear, and it was this mysterious figure who strode to him, a malevolent purpose burning in his eyes – dark green irises dotted with flaming red pupils. He also had a burned face, a red-and-green striped sweater, a glove of knives, and a dusty brown fedora. "Good evening, Albus Dumbledore."

"Good evening," said Dumbledore, trying not to stammer. "Who might you be?"

The figure grinned. "Names … what's in a name? If we called a stinkweed a rose, it would still stink, now, wouldn't it, Albus? As a figure of terror, I have had so many names over the years. When Jack Torrance lost his mind because of the claustrophobia in the Overlook Hotel and his struggles with alcoholism, I was there. When the Nazis sent the Jews and other so-called 'undesirables' to the concentration camps, I was there. When Voldemort took up the mantle of terror after Grindelwald's defeat, I was there. When Nancy Thompson was distraught after the gruesome death of her boyfriend … you bet I was there." His voice rose in anger as he said, "When a young boy of seven years known as Harry James Potter was almost killed by a brutal fat walrus prick, I was there, and I awoke with a VENGEANCE MOST TERRIBLE! ECCE PRETIUM VIOLENTIAE!" (BEHOLD THE PRICE OF VIOLENCE!)

A thunderclap rent the air with a lightning flash that illuminated the front of the house, marked as 4 Privet Drive. Three bleeding bodies – the Dursleys - were hanging by ropes in front of the house.

"You killed them?" Dumbledore's eyes were wide with shock.

"How else did you expect me to treat them, Albus – forgive them? There is no forgiveness for the unrepentant! They had several years to repent of abusing me, and they NEVER apologized for their behavior!"

"What about Petunia? She did not hurt you, did she?"

"She was guilty of letting the situation continue, Albus, so she came under equal punishment. As for you, word has it that you placed me with those Muggles … given that and all the other things you've done to me, I find you guilty and will come back to finish you off, but not until a certain angry mediwitch comes to upbraid you." Cackling, he added, "Try to stay awake, Albus, because when you go back to sleep, you won't wake up again … see you later …"

~DAHP~

As Dumbledore woke up to see the fury on Madam Pomfrey's face, he thought, "Oh, why didn't I listen to Minerva when she pleaded with me NOT to place Harry with the Dursleys?"

Earlier, when Minerva brought up Dumbledore and the two Weasleys to the Hospital Wing, she told Madam Pomfrey about Harry Potter's living situation. To say that Madam Pomfrey was angry would not do justice; her temper, beyond boiling into volcanic, had set her face like an imminent explosion, as she held him by his throat: "Minerva told me about your dealings with Harry James Potter, Headmaster. To be specific, she told me about the Dursleys and their abusive treatment of him."

The explosion came at Dumbledore like a hurricane: "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, HOUSING POTTER WITH ABUSIVE RELATIVES? HAS ALL THAT AGE MESSED UP YOUR BRAIN OR SOMETHING, YOU RETARDED, MANIPULATING PRICK?"

Dumbledore did not answer her. In fact, he could not answer her. Giving him a predatory smile, she said, "Can you answer me? No?" She then used her Beater's bat to break his legs and his arms, then, to add to the agony, she broke his fingers, one by one. The agony for him was so unbearable, he passed out …

~DAHP~

"Albus, are we back so soon? You only took a couple minutes before you came back."

"Madam Pomfrey … broke my legs … my arms … and my fingers … unendurable pain ..."

"Oh, the poor baby … don't worry, Albus, I have your medication right here. Do you want it?" Dumbledore nodded. "Allright … open wide!"

Dumbledore tasted a cool liquid, and as the bottle emptied, he felt his bowels start to loosen. Reading the thoughts on his face, the figure smirked, saying, " 'Oh, shit' is just about right, Albus. Do you want to know what this is?" He revealed the bottle's label, which read: "SKELEGRO + EX-LAX."

Dumbledore's death was humiliating, painful, and stinky. To all this, Harry and Tommy could only say with a cackle, "Tough shit."

**Author's ****Note: ****I ****hope ****you ****enjoyed ****that**** … ****I ****hope ****the ****language ****isn't ****too ****objectionable, ****but ****like ****I ****said ****before, ****I ****don't ****use ****vulgar ****language ****very ****often ****anyway. ****:)**


	16. Chapter 16

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

** Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Okay, I had to look up the term "crack" (in the fanfiction context), and it refers to a product of a deranged mind … thank you! I'll take that as a compliment! It's a saying of mine that we're all crazy … some of us more than others … ;)**

** Okay, Firemnwnb, I hear your plea for less Author's Notes, but come on – how else am I supposed to give feedback to the fans? Let's not forget this story has a lot of them! Granted, I may have gone overboard on Chapter 15's Author's Note. Let's also be thankful that I don't interrupt the flow of my story with an Author's Note in the MIDDLE of the chapter – eugh!**

** After I finished up Chapter 15, I realized I forgot a particular song regarding Dumbledore – J.K. Rowling mentioned Frank Sinatra's "My Way" as the song she could imagine being sung at Dumbledore's funeral. I was going to put it in the background of the death scene, but forgot. Eh, it doesn't matter. I think there will be a reference to it as Dumbledore begins his time in the Afterlife. Due to the fact that Frank Sinatra died in 1998, copyright law says that his songs are still copyright-protected … which would almost lead me into another rant … but maybe I'll save it for later.**

"**Dies irae, dies illa (Day of wrath, that day)  
>Solvet saeclum in favilla (Will dissolve the world in ashes)<br>Teste David cum Sybilla (As foretold by David and the Sybill)  
>Quantus tremor est futurus (How much tremor there will be)<br>Quando iudex est venturus (When the judge will come)  
>Cuncta stricte discussurus! (Investigating everything strictly!)" – Latin hymn<strong>

**Chapter 16**

"Come along, Albus," said the Angel of Death. "It's time."

"Where are we going, if I may ask?"

"You'll see soon enough."

They went through a tunnel of light. As they came out, Albus said, "Is this – Heaven?"

"We're at the Pearly Gates, Albus, but Heaven will not allow you to enter."

This took Dumbledore by surprise. "Why not? I'm the Leader of the Light, after all!"

"Correction, Albus Too-Many-Middle-Names DEE DEE DEE," said a voice. "Your name is not in the Book of Life, and you never repented of your sins."

"Sins? What sins have I committed – and who are you?"

The owner of the third voice – a bearded redhead – came down from his high seat. "The name's St. Peter. I'm the first Prime Minister of the Kingdom and the Keeper of its Keys. As for your sins, they center around one Harry James Potter."

"I did what I knew to keep him safe."

"Is that so, Albus? He was far from safe. If the Dursleys had their way, he would have died at the young age of seven years – maybe even earlier! Let's not forget to mention the fact that you capped off his magic at 25% and left it there – WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? HIS PARENTS SAID IN THEIR WILL THAT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WAS HE TO GO TO THE DURSLEYS, AND YOU IGNORED THAT, DIDN'T YOU?" Albus cowered under the thunderous glare St. Peter was giving him. "Considering all this that you've done, Heaven will not accept you within its gates. Given the severity of your crimes, though, we have decided to be the first ones to punish you, so that's why the Angel of Death brought you up here."

_This __did__ not __sound__ good_, Albus thought. St. Peter smiled at him. "You're right, Albus, this is not good news for you … James, Lily, are you two ready?"

Dumbledore winced upon hearing the crack of James's knuckles. "Yeah, we're ready," they said.

St. Peter steepled his fingers together. "Ooooh, there's a long line as well … excellent. Just let me get the music going, and we shall begin." The song he selected was an oldie but a goodie: "My Way" by Frank Sinatra.

One by one, different citizens of Heaven took a turn at making Dumbledore suffer. James and Lily Potter smacked him in the face with a cricket bat. St. Thomas Aquinas smashed a bookshelf over his head. St. Francis of Assisi brought his dog to bite him … and so on. When the song finished, they sent him falling down the mountain of Purgatory, crag by painful crag, to land in Hell at the feet of King Minos. King Minos was overjoyed, and he sent Dumbledore to freeze for all eternity in the frozen lake of Treachery.


	17. Chapter 17

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Now for my mini-rant: I can understand copyright as far as books are concerned. Sure, writers want to be known for the words they have chosen to use, and of course, they should be given credit when an excerpt from their words are used in a work. **

**That being said, what I don't understand is the possessiveness about music. For instance, somebody makes a music video on Youtube based off of somebody's song. Of course, credit is given to whom credit's due … meaning the author of the song is named. That's fair and proper enough. What ticks me off is to come to such a video and see one of three things:**

**1. The audio has been muted.**

**2. The audio track has been swapped for something else.**

**3. The video just gets deleted.**

**What is the reason for this? The reason is simply that somebody starts whining, "This is copyright infringement!" The ONLY way that it would be copyright infringement, in my eyes, is if the person who made the video said HE wrote the music, or if he was retarded enough not to mention who wrote the music. Give credit to whom credit is due! **

**Such copyright Nazi policies (are you listening, Disney?) stifle the creativity of people. Musicians, you should be happy that people are listening to your music! There's no need to be so possessive about it! If you want to make money, that's great – sell some CDs, give a concert, for Merlin's sake – but please don't be making money off of suing people for using your music in their creative work, because it makes you look like a bunch of jagoffs! As long as they mention who wrote the song, leave them alone! If they're retarded enough to say THEY wrote YOUR work, THEN you can sue their pants off!**

**I say the same thing should apply to song lyrics within a fanfic. As long as credit is given to those who wrote the song, there should be no need to whine about it. Considering that the Site considers things in a different way than I do, I have to play by its rules – so, to be safe, I did not mention any lyrics to "My Way" by Frank Sinatra, considering he is NOT in the public domain. **

**Why should music be excluded from a fanfic, just because of some possible copyright whiners? As a lover of music, I find it impossible to write about anything without involving music in it, and to quote Friedrich Nietzsche, "Ohne Musik wäre das Leben ein Irrtum" (Without music life would be an error). Amen!**

**Well, there's my rant. On with the story!**

**Chapter 17**

"Ah," Harry thought, "it is a beautiful, peaceful morning. Dumbledore, the Manipulative Old Prick, has died, and he won't give me any more trouble. I'm here at Hogwarts, which I own, lying down under this nice, warm, blanket …"

The aforementioned blanket released a pleasant moan. _"__Harry, __my __love, __I__'__m __too __comfortable __here.__"_

"I know what you mean, Hermione. I don't want to get up."

Hermione squirmed in his arms as she kissed him. _"__My __love__ … __my __darling__...__"_

The endorphins and testosterone rushed through Harry's system. "The blood's starting to flow down South, Chief. His eyes are rolling back in his head, his pulse and respiratory rate are rising – what do we do?"

"What's the report from the South?"

"Chief, it's getting hot and heavy down South, not to mention the outrageous fellow is waking up."

"Garçons, réveillez-vous! Nous avons du travail à faire!" (Boys, wake up! We have work to do!)

"Southern region, do you copy?"

"Zat is an affirmative, Monsieur le Chef! I copy."

"Could you tell me what is going on down there?"

"Oui, it is apparent ze petite Madame wants to 'ave some action, non? Do a little dance, make a little love, huh? Balls to ze wall, and all zat."

"Well, that's bloody fantastic. Are we bleeding ready for this?"

"Let me check … oui, Monsieur le Chef, we are ready to go. Even ze petite Madame is ready, if you get my drift ..."

The old saying says that the best laid plans of mice and men tend to go astray. A loud Noise interrupted the proceedings, sending Harry and Hermione to fall out of their bed. Loud, however, was not an accurate description of this Noise. Heavy metal concerts … they were loud. The volcanic explosion at Krakatoa … that was loud. Nuclear bombs … they were loud. This Noise made all these other noises look like whispers in comparison. As it shook the castle, every student and faculty member could hear it, regardless of where they were:

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ASHAMED YOUR FATHER AND I ARE OF YOUR FOUL LANGUAGE! WE DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO TALK LIKE THAT, YOUNG MAN! IF THE LORD AND LADY POTTER KILL YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY, IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT AND NO ONE ELSE'S!"

Having delivered its deafening missive, the red envelope known as a Howler burst into flames. Harry could hear Tommy singing in his head, **"****Kill ****the ****Weasel, ****kill ****the ****Weasel, ****kill ****the ****Weasel****...****"**

_"__Tommy, __first __we're __going __to __make __the __Weasel __miserable, __THEN __we __kill __him.__"_

"My great-niece is right, you know, Tommy … we can't just kill him."

**"****Ophelia, ****darling, ****sure ****we ****can. ****'Avada ****Kedavra' ****does ****work ****wonders, ****you ****know. ****What ****do ****you ****say, ****Harry? ****Are ****you ****up ****for ****Weasel ****Stomping ****Day?****"**

"I'm sorry, Tommy, but I'll have to go with Hermione and Aunt Ophelia on this one."

**"****You're ****whipped, ****Harry. ****Stupid ****spoil sports**** … ****spoil ****my ****fun...****"**

Ophelia looked at Tommy and ran her hand along his cheek. "No, darling … we can have even more fun torturing him before he dies … without a Cruciatus."

**"****Yeah? ****How ****can ****we ****do ****that?****"**

"Tommy, to quote the poet John Milton, 'The mind is its own place, and can make a Heaven of Hell, or a Hell of Heaven.' His mind can provide us with a lot of entertainment." She walked over to Ron, and said, "Ron Weasley, right?"

Ron looked at her and scowled. "Why would you want to know, you slimy snake?"

Her blue eyes glowing in anger, Ophelia grabbed his face. "Look at me, you little twerp," she said. "You should be careful how you speak to people, or you will make many enemies, capisce?"

As she let go of his face, Ron paled upon seeing her face turn into a skull with spiders coming out. Considering that his worst fear was spiders, his natural reaction was to start screaming, as Ophelia joined the quartet and they left, Neville coming behind them.

"How did you become such a terrifying minx?" Tommy asked her.

"Tommy, it's simple … spending many years in a loony bin will give you many creative ideas on how to drive others crazy." Everyone laughed upon hearing that …

**Author's ****Note: ****For ****the ****record, ****I ****have ****never ****spent ****time ****in ****the ****loony ****bin, ****but ****it ****sure ****explains ****Ophelia's ****talent ****in ****this ****area, ****eh? ****:)**


	18. Chapter 18

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Regarding my reason for the rant in Chapter 17's Author's Note, I just felt like ranting. That's all. It didn't have anything to do with a review I received, or anything that the Site said.**

**Angel Girl5, you described my stunt in Chapter 17 as similar to "teasing a kid with candy." In my defense, I was trying to be funny writing the thoughts of Harry's … (ahem) … Southern region in an outrageous French accent! [wink, wink!]**

**My apologies on Chapter 17's long Author's Note. Me and my big mouth … LOL!**

**Chapter 18**

Draco Malfoy, while he seemed arrogant, knew his place in Slytherin's hierarchy was not to be above Lord Potter or his vassal Tommy Riddle. He also knew that to insult the Lady of a House was to invite the wrath of the House Lord, so the entirety of Slytherin House treated Hermione and Ophelia with respect and awe. When Hermione and Ophelia revealed that they were Muggle-born, there was just ONE unnamed person stupid enough to insult them. Harry gave him a crash course in pain, throwing him against a wall by the fireplace and his anger turning up the fire.

"Now, you listen to me and you listen well, okay? Do you feel that fire below you? Do you?" The student nodded, tears and sweat running down his face. "If you insult them one more time, INTO THE ROARING FIRE I'LL TOSS YOU, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"

After that, no Slytherin dared insult Hermione or Ophelia ever again.

~DAHP~

Harry's first week at Hogwarts was a blast. The classes, the people – it was all so fascinating that the words Tommy told him about it, he would later admit, didn't do it enough justice.

With all the garden work he did for the Dursleys, Harry found Herbology to be an easy class. In fact, most of his classes were easy – much to the delight of his professors – except for History of Magic and Potions.

The reason for History of Magic was Professor Binns, the only ghost in the faculty. The way his voice droned on and on and on like Ben Stein about the Goblin Wars put many students to sleep. Harry felt he could replace Binns with a recording of Ben Stein giving his economics lecture from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," and his fellow students would not even know the difference.

Potions would have been easy too, but a certain red-headed DEE DEE DEE started a campaign of potion sabotage during their first class. Ron tossed a potions ingredient in Harry's direction, but his aim was way off. Harry responded by looking at Ron's cauldron on the fire and thought, "Release the evil …"

BOOM! The antidote for boils blew up all over Ron, losing Gryffindor 50 points that day. Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas took him to the Hospital Wing, giving Harry fearful looks as they did so. "I must have released too much evil, Hermione," he thought to her.

Hermione shook her head in amusement. _"__You __and __your __Adam __Sandler __films. __What__'__s __next, __are __you __going __to __go __psycho __on __Ron __with __a __golf __club?__"_

"Darling, you're tempting me. I would also need to get your dad's golf clubs for that."

~DAHP~

The Hospital Wing of Hogwarts needed a revolving door. Madam Pomfrey was sure of that. Yes, even though Ron Weasley recovered from his first night's beating, it would not be long before he would come back for more healing and repair from another thrashing. Not only was the boy an equal opportunity offender, he also was Hogwart's universal punching bag and spell target. One horrific incident convinced her that the question was not IF Ron Bilius Weasley would die … but WHEN Ron Bilius Weasley would die …

~DAHP~

One day, while the Slytherins were walking outside, Ron and the Gryffindors just ahead, Tommy became inspired and broke into song:

"Troll-Brain's frying on a greasy fire,  
>Red blood seeping out his nose!<br>Little Ronald, on the flames leaping higher,  
>He'll be all juicy, so it goes!<br>Everybody knows Firewhisky or some alcohol  
>Will help to keep the flame alight;<br>Cook him rare or well done, I suppose,  
>We know he will be quite the fright!<br>And now when Santa comes on his way,  
>He'll have cookies, milk, and Weasel-bee flambé!<br>And every Slytherin will want to spy ..."

Neville, Draco, and Harry sang in harmony:

"To see how Troll-Brain's gonna scream as he dies!"

Tommy took up the tune again:

"So, I'm gonna say this little phrase,  
>As Troll-Brain cooks to juicy goo;<br>I want to say it, many times, many ways:  
>Ronald Weasley, screw you!"<p>

The Slytherins roared with laughter at this song, only for Ron to interrupt them by way of a spell he fired at them. Neville stepped up and said, "Guys, don't worry. I got this."

"Are you sure about this?" said Harry. "I'll be willing to back you up, Nev."

"Thanks, Harry, but I got this bitch. He won't be hurting anyone again. Did you hear of what he tried to do to Sally-Anne Perks?"

Ophelia's eyes flashed in anger. "Kick his ass, Nev, for me and all the Muggle-borns in Hogwarts."

"I second that," said Tommy. "Give him all you've got, my young Padawan … but don't kill him."

"I understand. Harry, do you want to finish him off?"

"Not today, Neville. He will die, but not today. Besides that, I give you carte blanche."

Neville turned to Ron. As the music started – "The Infernal Dance" by Stravinsky – so did the duel, which, though it lasted for about 30 seconds, all of Hogwarts would talk of as legendary, with Neville's eyes glowing green and an unseen wind blowing his hair around. Ron never stood a chance, falling to Neville's wandless Bludgeoner hexes. Neville then put the icing on the cake by breaking Ron's wand, as well as castrating him, saying, "You won't … hurt anyone … anymore."

**MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!**

**Smiles,  
>Loki Palmer<strong>


	19. Chapter 19

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. **

"**Why have you written Ron as a jerk?" asks author whatweareafraidof. "He wasn't one in canon." [rolls eyes] Excuse me? Ron's not a jerk? There are incidents like the infamous Troll incident in first year, the constant arguing between him and Hermione in third year (he hates her cat, of all things!), the statement, "No, we don't want to join you and Vicky" in fourth year – if I was Harry, I would have punched the idiot's lights out! Let's also face the fact that Ron has a RAT for a pet. How can anyone find a person like that trustworthy? He abandoned Harry and Hermione during the Horcrux hunt, he made Hermione cry countless times – how does that spell any kind of a good romantic relationship? Regarding his stupidity (extreme stupidity is one of my pet peeves), he spends time playing wizard's chess rather than working on his homework – okay, you may say that's just lazy, I say that's stupid. It's obvious that Ron is the Comedy Relief of the trio in canon, and I do admire that part of him. Since when does the Comedy Relief get the hot and brainy chick? If you don't think Hermione's hot … oh, come on, look at Emma Watson! As far as I'm concerned, she gets the Oscar for Hottest … Nerd … EVER!**

**That reminds me that I will need to start my fanfic on Harry Potter at the Oscars. I'm thinking I could easily insert myself as the host. [wink] Now I need a fellow hostess to come along … [wink, wink] Oh, Muse? :) **

**You say you almost wet yourself laughing, nymlover? My apologies … I'm glad you're enjoying it! **

**Does Dumbledore have any Horcruxes? No, he does not. He may have been manipulative, but full-blown dark he was not. Does he still deserve his time and punishment in Hell? Yes, he does. Who's the Author? Who's the Author? I'm the Author!**

**WARNING: Do not drink any hot drinks while reading this fanfic. Failure to heed the warning may lead to serious injury! LOL!**

**Chapter 19**

News about Neville's short battle spread through the school with the speed of an eagle in flight. By the time dinner arrived, Harry could smell the excitement and estrogen in the air. Wait a minute … estrogen?

"MERLIN'S BEARD, THERE HE IS! NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!"

"RUN, NEVILLE!"

Neville didn't need Harry to tell him twice, for the screaming female mob coming his way told him all he needed to know. So he ran, not because he was scared, but for the sake of his own safety as the "Benny Hill" theme played along. Behind the mob ran Harry, Hermione, Tommy, and Ophelia.

Ron came out of the Hospital Wing at that moment, and it was his bad luck that Neville and his mob of fangirls ran him over. When the smoke cleared, his unconscious body was covered with shoe marks. Madam Pomfrey dragged him back in, saying, "Mr. Weasley, it turns out you'll have more time to spend with me in recovery, you unlucky bastard."

When Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia, caught up with Neville, they found the fangirls were surrounding him. His face was blushing from all the attention.

Harry cleared his throat. "Ladies, give Neville some room to breathe, for Merlin's sake. You okay, Neville?"

"Yeah, Harry, I'm okay, I think ..." but Neville could say no more after that because the mob, acting as one group, swarmed him and kissed him on his cheeks. Being unused to all this attention, he fainted. At this point, Harry caught him and took him back down to the dorms, in spite of the protests.

"Can't he handle us all at once?" said one female.

"I'm afraid not," said Tommy. "Are you going to move, please?"

"You heard him, lady. MOVE!" said Ophelia. "I don't have any time for female shenanigans!"

~DAHP~

While Ron had been suffering from hallucinatory spiders and other things, Percy was having his own troubles. Over the weeks, he kept on hearing the cackle of a clown. He never liked clowns – not since Fred and George had given him a terrible pranking while dressed as clowns.

"You want a balloon, Percy? Of course you do, am I right?" Another cackle filled his ears as the clown appeared before him, red pupils in dark green irises. "What's the matter, Percy? Don't you like balloons?"

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-no, I j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-just d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't like c-c-c-c-c-clowns." This was bad, he thought. Now the stutter has come back. Whatever would come out of this would not be good, for him or for his family ...


	20. Chapter 20

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling.**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012, EVERYONE! I'm so happy everyone's liking this so far, and I was more than amused to see that a couple people could already guess where I was going with the clown you saw in Chapter 19! I guess Percy's fear of clowns is why he can't stand Fred and George's antics, eh? :) Pennywise was exactly who I had in mind!**

**Anitajane, regarding the fact that you've confessed addiction to my writing, I'm not sure what that makes you (a fan, perhaps? LOL), but I have a good idea of what it makes me – a writer who's doing a good job and should give himself a Pat on the back … only one cure for THAT addiction, I'm afraid – keep reading my stuff! LOL! Merci – vous êtes gentille!**

**Astromutt asks, "Is it me, or are the chapters getting shorter? What's next, a single sentence?" No, I'm never going to be that cruel to my readers as to give them a single sentence for a chapter. Longer chapters take me longer to write – the longest one I recall (Chapter 6 of "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus" – at about 11,000 words) took me two months!**

**What's more, I think Ron came out of the Hospital Wing because he was curious about the noise of screaming he was hearing outside. At least, that's what I think.**

**On with the story!**

**Chapter 20**

What had Percy Weasley landed himself into? He had stepped into the bathtub in the Prefect's bathroom when this clown came up to him.

"Percy, Percy, Percy … you're afraid of clowns?" Percy nodded, too scared to speak. "Why should you be afraid of clowns, we merry creatures?"

"W-w-w-w-w-what d-d-d-d-d-do you w-w-w-w-w-want w-w-w-w-w-with m-m-m-m-me?"

"Oh, straight to the point, aren't you, P-P-P-P-P-P-Percy?" the clown said with a cackle. "Well, I have a few questions for you, Percy, and if you're good, I'll let you have a balloon. Do we have a deal, or do I need to sweeten this some more?"

Percy saw a couple twin girls with the clown, dressed in two-piece bikinis. They said to him in otherworldly voices. "Come play with us, Percy! We're going to have so much fun together! Come play with us … forever, and ever, and ever, and ever ..."

The clown smiled. "Did that entice you enough, Percy?" Percy nodded. "Good. Here's my first question: what is your involvement with the plot against Lord Harry James Potter?"

Percy plucked up his courage – he was a Gryffindor, after all. "I was the one who put it together."

"Oh, it's good to see you CAN overcome that little stutter you have … as much as I like smelling your fear, the lack of your stutter will just make this go faster. Now, if memory serves me right, your plot involves having your stupid little brother Ron become friends with Harry. At some point, Harry falls in love with Ginny, they get married, and everyone lives happily ever after. Am I in the right ballpark or is there more?"

"You're right so far."

"I'm glad to know that. If Harry had arrived attached to someone else, you would do all you could to split them up, even using Love Potions. Am I still right?"

"Yes."

"Your family would be willing to do that, even though Love Potions are illegal?"

"Not all the family is involved in this plot."

The clown nodded. "Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Who is involved in this little scheme of yours?"

"Mum, Ron, and I are involved."

"Ron's involvement was to become Harry's friend and distract any other females from him?"

"Yes."

"He might even get himself an intelligent female, if he was lucky?"

Percy shrugged. "It would be a plus."

"What about Ginny? She's the one marrying Harry in this scheme of yours."

"Mum's been grooming her to be the future Lady Potter. Besides that, she's not involved … yet."

"Ah, there's the explanation for that. What about your dad? Didn't he need to sign the marriage contract?"

"He did, but he's not involved either. Neither are my older brothers, Bill and Charlie."

"Where are those two working now?"

"Charlie works out in Romania with dragons, and Bill's in Egypt working for Gringotts as a Curse-Breaker."

"Do either of them know of the plot?"

"No."

"Where does your father work?"

"He works in the Ministry, in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office."

"So, your family has no problems with Muggles or Muggle-borns?"

"Well ..." there was some hesitation. "Dad doesn't, nor do Fred, George, Bill, and Charlie. Though she doesn't have any problems either, Mum leans more towards tradition."

"And by 'tradition,' you mean the old Pureblood values? Purebloods for Purebloods, and so forth?"

"Yes."

"Is there anything else?" Percy shook his head in the negative. "You've been very cooperative, and for that I thank you. Now, how about a balloon … or for that matter, a whole bunch of balloons?"

As the balloons came floating down, four of them grabbed Percy by his arms and legs, hoisting him up in the air. "Hey, what's up with these balloons?"

"Percy, these balloons float … and pretty soon, you'll be floating too! Happy floating!"

That insane cackle, something between Krusty the Clown and Woody Woodpecker, sounded in Percy's ears as another balloon reached down to his neck and choked him to death.

~DAHP~

"Well, well, well, it has been a while since I've last seen a victim of Harry Potter," said a smiling King Minos. "Percy Weasley … hmmm … it's such a temptation to put you in the circle of Greed, considering that was your motive for your confessed plot against Potter … but, alas, many bank CEOs are going to end up here, too, if they aren't careful … boy, is that circle going to be packed one day … oh, now that I think about it, your brother Charlie works with dragons … well, let's see how you like spending time in FLATTERY!"

The hole of Flattery – a subdivision of Fraud – turned out to be a dragon toilet. Not only would Percy be covered in dragon shit, sometimes, he WOULD be dragon shit!

King Minos smiled to himself. "Now, I wonder when that Troll-Brain is going to arrive?"


	21. Chapter 21

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.**

**Chapter 21**

It was the night before Halloween when Ron Weasley came into the first-year boy's dorm. He was tired from another long day. He climbed into bed and looked up. What he saw froze him in terror for a few seconds … then, when his brain processed the sight, he started screaming.

The sight in question was nothing other than the corpse of his older brother, Percy Weasley. None of the other Gryffindors heard Ron's screaming, for they had posted Silencing charms around their beds to keep out his chainsaw snoring – but everyone else did. Harry and Hermione loved the sound. To Tommy and Ophelia Riddle, it sounded divine. Tommy also became inspired to write up yet another parody …

~DAHP~

Harry and Hermione woke up to hear a chorus of Slytherins singing:

"Heard it through the grapevine, Milord …  
>Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)<br>Heard it through the grapevine, Milord …  
>Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)<br>A head, a head, hanging in Ron's bed,  
>Of a Weasel ponce that is dead!<br>Of a Weasel ponce that is dead!

Sounding through the castle, Milord …  
>Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)<br>Sounding through the castle, Milord …  
>Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)<br>A scream, a scream, coming from Weasley,  
>And it sounds as sweet as a dream!<br>And it sounds as sweet as a dream!"

Harry applauded. "That was beautiful. Tommy, did you write it?"

"Yes, I did, Harry. I'm glad you like it. Now for another favorite song ..." With that, the choir struck up the song "Weasel Stomping Day" by Weird Al Yankovic, causing a riot of laughter as everyone caught the double meaning.

No, today would not be a good day for Ronald Weasley.

~DAHP~

For their Potions class, Professor Snape paired up Hermione with Ron. Neither one seemed pleased, and he took Harry aside to explain the situation to him, saying, "Milord, I know it may seem odd of me to put your Lady together with your enemy on this particular assignment, but I have a feeling that the Weasel is going to suffer, maybe even die, today, and I want a piece of him before he departs this world."

"You heard the choir in the dorm, didn't you?"

"Of course."

Harry thought for a brief moment that Hell was freezing over – Professor Snape was smiling?

"Professor Snape, are you sure this will work?"

"I'm positive this will work, Milord. Just wait."

Sure enough, Ron rose to snap Professor Snape's bait, as he glared at Hermione, and said, "Will you stop trying to help me? Nobody likes an ugly know-it-all, especially one that's a slimy snake like you!"

Hermione's eyes welled up with tears, and she ran out of the classroom crying. It was time for Professor Snape to step in. "MISTER WEASLEY! What is the meaning of causing one of your fellow students to leave MY classroom in a state of tears?"

"She was pestering me with all her advice."

"I would think, Mister Weasley, that you, of all people, would be grateful for her advice, considering how … abysmal … your Potions grade is so far. Perhaps there should be a new letter for such a grade … W for … Weasel?"

Everyone else laughed at this, and Ron's face turned red. "That know-it-all BITCH just doesn't know when to quit, that's why I got so annoyed!"

The gasps were audible as Professor Snape picked him up, anger glowing through his eyes. "Mister Weasley, for your information, there was once a brilliant girl, a Gryffindor, who was one of my closest friends at this school. People used to call her things like a know-it-all too ..."

"What does your personal history have to do with this?"

"My personal history, Mister Weasley, has made me into the person I am today. Do you know who that girl grew up to be one day, Mister Weasley?" Ron shook his head. "I thought as much … she grew up to be the mother of Harry Potter. Now, Mister Weasley, IF you manage to survive today, you will serve a weekend of detention with me, and trust me, I will make it your worst weekend yet. Mister Longbottom, open the door." Neville did so. "Now, Mister Weasley, I am giving you a giant zero for your day's grade, and I want you to GET OUT!" With that, he sent Ron flying out of the classroom. "Class dismissed."

"Seamus!"

"Yeah, Lord Potter?"

"Seamus, it's Harry to my friends … I have a note here for Weasley … can you get it to him?"

Seamus smiled. "Aye, that be no problem, Harry. Dean and I have to get him up to the Hospital Wing anyway … how long is he going to be unconscious this time?"

"I hope it won't be for long, Seamus. I have my own plans for him and his family."

~DAHP~

"Tommy, are we sure this is going to work?"

**"I'm positive, Harry. Voldemort tried to kill you on Halloween ten years ago … it makes sense to me he wants to finish the job on the same night."**

"How are you sure that it's going to be by a troll?"

**"I have my ways. Besides, trolls are stupid, they don't ask questions … what better instrument to kill you and Hermione than one of the dumbest creatures there is … excluding Ron?"**

"Quite. Hermione, are you okay in there?"

_"Yes, dear, I'm fine. Is Ron on his way to the Hospital Wing?"_

"He is, Hermione … you should have seen how Professor Snape sent him out of the classroom! Anyway, you're the bait to lure Ron and the troll into the same room ..."

_"The girl's bathroom, Harry? That's such a humiliating place for a boy to die ..."_

**"Hermione, he's already lost his coglioni … what more has he left to lose? His dignity? By the way, Harry, what does your note to Ron say?"**

"It says to follow the screams. Tommy, what happens if the troll doesn't show up?"

**"In that event, we go with Plan B: Do it ourselves ..."**

~DAHP~

That night in the Great Hall, Professor Quirrell came running. "TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS! TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS! I thought you ought to know ..." With that, he fainted.

Professor McGonagall said, "Students, may I have your attention, please! There is no need to panic – stay here while your professors look through the dungeons ..."

~DAHP~

Ron awoke to the sounds of screaming. Reading his note, he followed the screams to a bathroom, where he saw Hermione being cornered by a troll. Seeing him arrive, she smiled at him and disappeared. Then he heard the sound of a door closing behind him. The last thing to go through his head was the thought, "Oh, bugger ..."

Correction: that thought was the second-to-last thing to go through his head. The LAST thing to go through his head was the troll's giant club.

~DAHP~

"Well, I was curious how long you could survive," said King Minos, relieved to see Ron. He looked through Ron's file, and he burst out laughing upon seeing the cause of death. "Now, looking through your sins … lust … gluttony … greed … anger … alas, if only there was a section for stupidity, you'd be in it … looks like you'll be ending up in GLUTTONY!" The food and drink within the Circle of Gluttony looked delicious, but, as the saying goes, looks are deceiving. Its taste was many times worse than its appearance.


	22. Chapter 22

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Welcome to all my new fans! :) To David-El, I'm glad you're enjoying Tommy as well as King Minos. For the record, the environs of Hell are based off of "The Inferno" by Dante Alighieri. Dante used some mythological figures in his work, such as Charon (the Ferryman), King Minos (the Judge), Cerberus – even the River Styx is mentioned, though it separates Deep Hell (Circles 6-9) from the rest.**

**Chapter 22**

Outside the bathroom stood Harry and Hermione. After the door closed, Harry heard a crunching sound and saw blood flowing under it. "All the times I've been trying to kill him, and a troll finishes the work?" he thought.

_"Admit it, darling, you did have plenty of fun going psycho on him with Daddy's golf clubs."_

That incident was after their Flying Lesson. Ron tried to knock Hermione off of her broom. Harry caught her as Neville knocked Ron off of his broom. He didn't fall very far, but the fall was big enough to break his wrist. Harry then walked over to him and beat him unconscious with a golf club.

"Oh, yeah, I remember that. Remember all the teasing we would give him about being a fatass?"

They both laughed at that. _"You mean, beeping whenever he was moving, slapping parchments on his back that said, 'Wide Fatass Coming Through' ..."_

"What about when Neville threw objects at him to see if he had his own gravitational field?" This brought on yet more laughter, then Harry sang: "All of Hogwarts was afraid ..."

Hermione joined in, singing, "Of Troll-Brain's stupid escapades ..."

"All those fatass jokes we made ..."

Both sang, "Those … were … the … days!"

CRASH! The bathroom door fell down to reveal one angry troll. Harry conjured a fire barrier to keep it some distance away. A yellow arrow of magic hit it, making Harry turn around. Before him stood Seamus Finnegan, Susan Bones, Ophelia Riddle, Tommy Riddle, and Neville Longbottom. Susan said, "Did somebody call for a troll extermination?"

Harry looked at Tommy. "It sounded like you were in trouble, meathead. What else did you expect me to do?"

"Harry, this redhead with us is Susan Bones of Hufflepuff. There will be enough time for chit-chat later. We have a troll to kill," said Ophelia.

Seamus shaped some of the fire into a bull, and sent it charging. Neville shaped some of it into a snake and struck. Susan and Ophelia hit it with several magical arrows. Together, they brought the troll crashing down.

~DAHP~

Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, Lucius Malfoy came up to Arthur Weasley. "Arthur, here are Bill and Charlie. They tell me that Lord Potter invited them."

Arthur's eyes widened in some shock. "Lord Potter, you say, Lucius? What is going on?"

"He wants to have a meeting with you and what remains of your family, Arthur."

"Oh? And where is to be this … meeting?"

"It's to be at my manor." Lucius lifted the sleeve of his robe to reveal a phoenix on his arm. "As you can tell from this mark on my arm, I now serve Lord Potter. He gave me the strictest instructions that in spite of our families's … quarrel … that the Malfoys are to be … as civil as possible to you. Is your daughter Ginny with you?"

"Yes, she is. Ginny, meet Mr. Malfoy."

Lucius bent down to shake her hand. "A pleasure, Miss Ginny. Now that we have everyone, we shall be on our way."

"Before we go, Lucius, what about Molly?"

"I'm afraid, Arthur, that she won't be able to come. I'm sorry."

What Lucius said was the truth. At the moment that he apologized, Molly Weasley died in the burning wreckage of the Weasley home known as the Burrow. The Love Potions stashed in the kitchen added more heat to the fire.

~DAHP~

King Minos was in an ecstatic mood. "Molly Prewett Weasley, what a pleasure it is for me to meet the Living Howler herself. Hmm … let's see … I know where you'll go … GLUTTONY!"

Down in Gluttony, Molly joined Ron and Marge Dursley as chew toys for Cerberus … and more!

~DAHP~

"Is everyone here, Lucius?"

"Yes, Milord."

"Draco, can you take Ginny with you? I don't want her to hear some of the news I'm delivering."

"Harry, she'll hear about it one way or another."

"I realize that, but not this soon. Just keep her occupied, okay?"

"As you wish."

~DAHP~

Harry walked into the room, accompanied by Hermione, Neville, Tommy, and Ophelia.

"Good evening, Mr. Weasley."

Arthur shook his hand. "Lord Potter, it is an honor to meet you."

"Likewise, Mr. Weasley. Let me introduce you to my Lady, Hermione Potter, and my vassals, Tommy and Ophelia Riddle, as well as Neville Longbottom. I trust you have no objections to them being here?"

"None at all, Milord."

"I'm glad, because it would insult them if I asked them to leave. Now, I have some bad news and some good news. Which would you prefer?"

Arthur took a moment to think. "The bad news, Milord. The good news may make me feel better."

Harry smiled for a brief moment, then his face turned somber. "Very well. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your wife and two of your sons are dead."

"Dead? You mean Percy and Ron are dead?" Harry nodded. "Molly's dead too?" Another nod. "How did they die?"

"Percy died of strangulation in the Prefect's bathroom – I hear balloons were involved. Ron died from the impact of a troll club to the head in a girl's bathroom. As for Molly – your house caught on fire and she died in it."

"My house? It's gone – all gone?"

"Your possessions are safe, thanks to some quick work from Lucius's house elf, Dobby. The house, I'm sad to say, is in ashes."

A short creature with floppy ears appeared. "Dobby could not save all of Mister Wheezy's possessions! Dobby watched with tears in his eyes as the house burned down! Dobby should punish himself, sir!"

"DOBBY, NO! There's no need to punish yourself … you've done a good job saving Mr. Weasley's possessions, do you hear me?"

"It's just a house, Dobby … it can be replaced," said Hermione.

Dobby smiled and bowed. "Lord and Lady Potter are too kind to Dobby."

"Carry on, Dobby." Dobby disappeared. "He's got some issues … from his former master, you see. Lucius gave him to me as a gift."

"Why did they die? Was there any reason?" said Arthur.

Harry explained to Arthur all the details he learned from Percy concerning the Weasley plot against him. When he finished, Arthur said, "Percy was right. I didn't know about this. Do I still have to answer about the marriage contract?"

"No, it's not necessary. My guess is that you thought she and I would be a good match."

"You're right … besides, what father would not want the best for his daughter?"

"It's moot anyway. Now, here's the good news: my vendetta against the Weasley family does not extend to any of you that remain. That being said, you will have to take Ginny to St. Mungo's to check for any mind control. If there are any such controls found, I want them removed so she can be her own self again. If you want to be my vassals, you have only to say it."

"Milord Potter, you have shown us much generosity. We accept your offer of vassalship. Just one more question: where am I going to live?"

Harry and Hermione smiled. "That is the icing on the cake, Mr. Weasley. We've heard about your love of all things Muggle, so Hermione's Muggle parents, the Grangers, have extended you an invitation to live with them … Mr. Weasley?"

Mr. Weasley's eyes were lifted up to the sky in a picture of enraptured bliss as the "Hallelujah" chorus played overhead. Tommy said, "I think you broke him, Harry."

Coming out of his rapture, Arthur hugged Hermione, saying, "Milady is too generous. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"You are more than welcome, Mr. Weasley."

"Milady, please … call me Arthur. Milord, what happened to Fred and George?"

"Fred and George have been adopted into my family as brothers, Arthur, so I'm sure you'll get a chance to see them when Christmas arrives."

"Thank you again … thank you a million times!"

"It was my pleasure, Arthur."


	23. Chapter 23

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I was ecstatic for everyone's reviews – I'm glad you all like it! DZ2, I would love to see how you would pull off this challenge, but we may have to wait and see, depending on how many fanfics you have to juggle. Your description of Harry's victims being like a cartoon duck with the word "Mother" on his lips – spot on! It also had me laughing :) I get as much enjoyment out of reading the reviews as my readers get out of my stories. Win-win! Artur Hawkwing 1, your review is NOT the first negative review, but I understand your point.**

**Chapter 23**

Harry entered Professsor Snape's office, his face worn with fatigue as he rubbed his face. "Oy, Severus, what a long night I've had."

Professor Snape smiled. "Indeed. You defeated a troll, took the Troll-Brain out of the picture, and met with Mr. Weasley. All in a day's work."

"How did you know I was behind Troll-Brain's demise?"

Professor Snape rolled his eyes. "Please. It is more than evident given the hatred you have for him that you would be behind his death. Anyone who gets on your bad side seems to land in some … _unfortunate_ … situations ..."

"Unfortunate? If anything, that's an understatement. Try … oh, I don't know, 'fatal.' "

"Quite so. How was your meeting?"

"He seemed shocked to hear about the deaths of Ron, Percy, and Molly. I wouldn't expect anything less from him."

"I wouldn't expect anything less either, Milord. So, did he take up your offer of vassalship?"

"Affirmative. The remains of House Weasley are in my pocket to stay."

~DAHP~

"Hail the conquering hero!" With that, Tommy struck up "The Stars and Stripes Forever" by John Philip Sousa as loud cheers greeted Harry in the Slytherin common room. The Twins came up to him with a glass of butterbeer.

"Harry, brother, it's great to see you –"

"– We're also ecstatic to hear about –"

"– Ron the annoying Troll-Brain dying at last –"

"– Correction, Fred, it's Ron the annoying FATASS Troll-Brain dying at last –"

"– We're all going to miss him and all the pranks we played on him –"

"– Though we must admit, Neville's a wonderful prankster –"

"– Indeed, Harry. Tommy was right –"

"Strong in the ways of the Force, he is!" they said together. Like Tommy and Harry, they were also fans of the "Star Wars" series. While they admired Darth Vader, they found Master Yoda's English syntax – Object Subject Verb – to be odd, yet fun. Not to mention it was funny.

"Thanks for the butterbeer, guys. Where's Hermione?"

His question received the answer of a bushy-haired missile impacting into him and kissing his face like she had not seen him in years. "Herm – Herm – Now, Hermione – will – you – stop – a – moment?" he said through her kisses.

She stopped kissing him and looked at him with an adorable frown. "Aren't you happy to see me, Harry?"

"Hermione, I'm always happy to see you, but I was having difficulty breathing, that's all." He kissed her. "Now, I'm happy to report that Severus still supports us. He guessed that we were behind Troll-Brain's death, but he understands our position." He looked around. "Hermione, what's with the party here, anyway?"

"It's to celebrate our victory against the troll, silly, and since you happen to be in Slytherin House, we agreed to have it here. All the heroes are here too: Seamus Finnegan and Susan Bones, besides us."

"Let's go have a talk with those two."

~DAHP~

In spite of the happy atmosphere, Susan Bones and Tommy were glaring at each other. "What seems to be the problem, Tommy?" said Harry.

"It seems that Miss Bones is suspicious of me," said Tommy.

"Oh? Tell me, why are you suspicious of Tommy, Miss Bones?"

Susan bristled and said, "Lord Potter, is this not the Dark Lord who wants your head?"

**"She's smart as a whip, that one. How did she figure it out?"**

_"She must have figured out the anagram in your name, Tommy."_

"We'll answer your question, Miss Bones, but not here. Let's go to my room."

**"Smart she may be, but understand me she does not. Hereafter, understand me better she will."**

~DAHP~

"In response to your question, Miss Bones, Tommy is not the Dark Lord, and he does not want my head."

"Didn't Lord Voldemort try to kill you about ten years ago?"

"Yes, he did, and he failed. When the Killing Curse rebounded on him, a piece of his soul attached itself to me."

"Besides that, there is little else known about the period between your conquering him and your arrival at Hogwarts. There have been legends and books written, of course … slaying dragons, rescuing damsels ..."

"All the great adventure stuff, I expect. Boys want to BE me, while girls want to be WITH me."

**"Giggity, giggity, giggity, OH!"**

Susan blushed. "Y-y-y-yeah."

"Well, I hate to disappoint you and the readers of these adventure stories, but the true story is worse."

"How much worse is it?"

"I grew up with my abusive Muggle relatives."

Her blush was replaced with anger. "WHAT?"

"Are you shocked by the fact they were Muggles?"

"No, I'm shocked by the fact that they were abusive. How could they get away with that?"

With that opening erected, Harry went into the story about his relatives, Dumbledore's manipulations, meeting (and falling in love with) Hermione … the entire story. Susan was a captive audience, enjoying every minute of it. Giving him a firm hug when it was finished, she said, "Harry, the Sorting Hat did not sort me into Hufflepuff for nothing. You have one more ally, and vassal, in me. I'm sure I will have my aunt coming in behind me."

Harry smiled. "Welcome to the Family, Susan Bones."


	24. Chapter 24

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. Now to answer a few of these reviews. Red Phoenix Dragon, I don't know if the troll ended up in Hell. If any animals deserve to be in Hell, they would be flies, mosquitoes, wasps (I'm scared to death of wasps) …**

**Angel Girl5, what do you mean, what kind of vassal does Susan want to be? A vassal is a vassal is a vassal, right? I hope you're enjoying my Oscars fanfic so far … :)**

**That's right, folks, I've started up the Oscars fanfic ("Harry Potter at the Oscars"). So many ideas spilling out the wazoo, I have … LOL.**

**To author katdemon18, that is an interesting question you've asked. Suffice it to say that if I'm going to break a cardinal rule in Rowling's universe (namely, the rule that "the dead don't come back"), I might as well break it once and only once. Rules are there to keep some stability within the literary work, capisce?**

**To ROBERT-19588, I'd have to say that I've thought 1,000 words is a good length for a chapter … maybe even longer, if necessary, as many as I need to cover a time period. Exactly how long do you have in mind, if I may be so curious?**

**Now, I'm juggling three "in progress" fanfics (might turn out to be four), as well as reading, and work at a language lab, among other things. The first couple weeks of a semester are always hectic … oy!**

**Chapter 24**

Coming out of his meeting with Susan, Harry found Tommy in a state of glee. "Tommy, I've got some good news."

"So do I, Harry, but you go first. What is it?"

"Susan Bones joined the Family as a vassal. What's your news?"

"Oh, that's wonderful, Harry! My news is that Seamus Finnegan has joined the Family as well. I've always wanted a crazy Irishman in the Family."

"What's so great about having a crazy Irishman?"

Tommy's smile widened. "He knows how to make things go BOOM."

"Go BOOM? What this is, about explosions, we hear?" said the Twins.

"Met crazy Irishman Seamus Finnegan, you have not," said Tommy, still grinning. "Love explosions, he does."

The Twins matched his grin. "Meet him, we must. Thanks, Tommy."

"Anytime, boys." Tommy's eyes were lit in maniacal amusement. Harry, seeing this, was worried. Very worried …

~DAHP~

Professor Snape was lying down in bed, enjoying the sounds and music coming from the celebration. He heard a famous work and identified it as Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. His eyes widened when he realized this work involved – oh, bugger – CANNONS!

BOOM! An explosion shook the castle, knocking him out of bed. Then another explosion hit, right on cue. This could be the work of none other than those two mad geniuses, Potter & Potter. Sure, everybody was crazy – some more than others – but those two took it to their own level. The word "crazy" would have their picture right underneath the definition. He would have yelled out, "POTTER!" but who would have heard him through all this racket?

The words of Bob Marley came into his head: "Don't worry about a thing … 'cause every little thing's gonna be allright." Okay … he was going to kick back, light up a joint, and groove out to anything in his music collection he could find. Sure, electronics did not work in Hogwarts (the ancient wards fried any electronics), but the Twins managed to create a magical record player as well as a magical CD player, both of which he had. Like Harry, his music collection was liberal, although he had a particular love for such musical artists as The Doors, Bob Marley, Simon & Garfunkel, and The Rolling Stones – their tune "Paint It Black" helped him through the death of Lily – among many, many others.

There was a knock at the door. "Enter … why, Minerva, what a pleasure to see you here."

"Severus, have you seen what is going on out there in the Slytherin common room?"

He shook his head. "No, I haven't, but I bet Potter & Potter are behind it."

"Aye, that they are, and they have Finnegan with them. It's like the Marauders all over again, except this time, Slytherins are part of it."

"So we have two Slytherin mad geniuses, the Twin Terrors, plus a crazy Irishman. This could equal potential disaster."

"Aye, but let's not forget the addition of Tommy Riddle, Ophelia Riddle, Lord Potter and Lady Potter. The entire team could blow the castle seven ways to the Afterlife. Severus! Why are you smiling?"

"At least we would go out with a bang, Minerva."

"That's not the bloody point! How can you be so calm and relaxed at the potential situation we may be facing?"

"Listen to yourself, Minerva. 'Potential' and 'may be facing'? These are inconsequentials, words of no consequence whatsoever. We cannot concern ourselves with what MAY happen in the future. All that we can concern ourselves with is what IS happening in the present. Would you like a joint?"

"Oh, sure, why not? It's safe, right?"

"Of course it's safe. Pomona grows it herself in the greenhouses. The best part is that the Muggle police will never get their hands on it – ever. Their civilization may be more advanced than ours, but regarding marijuana, they are" – he searched for an appropriate expression – "stupider than the late Ron DEE DEE DEE Weasley."

"This is because they want to keep it illegal, right?"

"Quite. Perhaps it's because they're uncomfortable with the philosophical ramblings that come out of stoners, but it baffles me why it should stay illegal. I know racism played its part in making it illegal – those arguments should be moot by now."

"Old prejudices are hard to erase, Severus."

His lips curled into a sad smile. "It's sad to say, but that is the truth."

She took a puff. "Wow … Severus, is this how you stay so relaxed?"

"Music helps as well. Speaking of which ..." He brought out a couple cowbells.

"Severus … where did you get cowbells from?"

"I stole them from a couple cows, where else did you think I got them from?"

This was too much, and they broke out laughing.

"You can't be serious!"

"Minerva, that's Lord Potter's … dogfather ..." More laughter.

"You … mean … godfather ..."

"No, Minerva … his … muttfather … father … mutt ..."

Minerva snorted and laughed some more. She was having too much fun with this. As Professor Snape calmed down for a brief moment, he said, "Minerva, what was I saying?"

"Somehow, Severus, we started off with cowbells ..."

He grinned. "Yes … quite. There's a famous skit on a TV show – "Saturday Night Live" – involving the band known as Blue Öyster Cult and their song, 'Don't Fear the Reaper.' While they're trying to record it, the recording artist keeps coming back asking for more cowbell."

"That sounds like a funny skit."

He brought out a couple drumsticks and passed on to her. "Oh, it is, I assure you. Even I think there isn't enough cowbell in the original recording, so I like to play along with the cowbell."

When he cranked up "Don't Fear the Reaper," Professor Snape was shocked to hear cowbells playing along out in the Slytherin common room. Considering that he and Minerva were stoned, the combination of the outside cowbells and their pathetic attempts to keep time were quite the oddity. It did not matter a bit, because the night was still fun for the both of them.


	25. Chapter 25

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.**

**To Angel Girl5, yes, I lit up Professor McGonagall. She's gonna be one high tabby cat for a while … LOL. Red Phoenix Dragon, Professor Snape is Harry's ally, so what do you mean, how painful is his death going to be? As far as I'm aware, he's not going to die.**

**Chapter 25**

The next morning found Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall (in her tabby cat Animagus form) lying down on the floor. As odd as Professor Snape found this position, he thought that the tabby cat's purring was soothing to his ears. Soothing like his Sweet Leaf Maryjane. Mary Jane Watson. Was it just a coincidence that Peter Parker's girlfriend had the same name as one of the nicknames for marijuana? Probably … although Kirsten Dunst was HOT in that role in the "Spider-Man" trilogy. Just because his father may have been a magic-hating Muggle didn't mean that Severus was one to discard ALL Muggle culture. His music collection was all Muggle, for Merlin's sake.

Little did Severus know that there was a prank awaiting him and Minerva at the entrance to his room. She got up from her comfortable bed on his chest, stretched, smiled at him and walked out. The next moment, there was a feline screech that echoed through the dungeons and she rushed back inside and perched on top of his head, yowling all the way.

At least two people were behind this prank, thought Severus as he felt the water dripping off of this yowling cat. The problem was, they had the same surname, which was none other than …

"POTTER!"

Fred grinned. "You see, our dear little brother, nobody says it quite like he does."

George matched him grin for grin. "Aye, little Harry, it is music to my ears."

Harry shook his head in amusement. "You two are in so much trouble."

"Looks like we care, does it?" they said.

~DAHP~

When Professor Snape appeared in the Slytherin common room still wearing his new – ahem – accessory, there was a split second of stunned silence, followed by an outburst of laughter.

"So, Professor Snape, are you enjoying your new hat?" said Harry, trying to hide his amusement and failing.

Professor Snape smiled. "Of course I'm enjoying it, Milord. It's so soft and furry … and I hope that there's not going to be rain today."

Tommy stepped forward. "Maybe we can do something about that, just in case."

"What do you have in mind, Mister Riddle?"

"Hmm … let me think … aha, I've got it! Hold still … the both of you!" With that, Tommy conjured up an umbrella, which was not as small as the umbrella in a martini, and yet not as big as a parasol or a beach umbrella. The color scheme was red and gold on the top with the image of a cat, while on the bottom was green and silver with the image of a bat.

Perching it in Severus's hair, it proved to be the right size for protecting the cat from the rain. "Thank you, Mister Riddle. Ten points to Slytherin. Milord Potter, would you come with me?"

As Harry left with Professor Snape, Lee Jordan, a third-year Slytherin from Jamaica, turned to Tommy. "Tommy, mon, mi seen many funny tings in de world, but mi hab to admit, brodah: dat was one of de funniest tings mi evah seen. Now, bredren, somebody pass de ganja, aright?"

~DAHP~

"So, Professor Snape, you wanted to speak to me?"

"Yes, Lord Potter. Minerva and I got you a present for today's Quidditch game: a Nimbus 2001 broomstick."

Harry's face broke into a smile. "Severus, you're spoiling me."

"No, I believe not. As annoying as your father was to me, he was still an excellent Quidditch player. I have no doubt that you've inherited his talent."

Harry's smile grew into a wide grin. Too wide to be normal. "That's … just … grooooooovy … Professor …"

Of all the crazy things to happen this morning, thought Professor Snape, now this? Lord Harry Potter was stoned? How could this happen? The answer came to him when he heard Tommy singing the song "Sweet Leaf" by Black Sabbath.

Hermione burst into the room. "Professor Snape … sorry about barging in like this. Is Harry okay?"

"He'll be allright in a few hours, Milady. The problem is that we have a Quidditch match coming up against Gryffindor today. An additional problem is that I don't know how well he can play in that state."

"Let me talk to him." She walked up to Harry and sat on his lap. "Harry? Harry, do you know who I am?"

Harry stared at her like he had never seen someone so beautiful, and then he started petting her hair. "You're … Hermione … you're … purty … hair … so … soft ..."

Hermione's mind purred in reaction to Harry's affectionate petting, and it took all her self-control not to jump on Harry then and there. "Harry, as much as I'm enjoying this, you have a Quidditch game to play. How would you like a flying Hershey's chocolate bar?"

Harry's eyes were alight in excitement. "Chocolate, you say? Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!"

"GO GET IT!" In Harry's mind, she could hear Tommy humming the "Notre Dame" fight song as Harry ran out of Professor Snape's office.

Professor Snape stared at her like she was a genius. "Milady, can you tell me why you're not stoned, like Harry and Tommy?"

"When I noticed they were starting to be stoned, I put up my Occlumency barriers, Severus," she said. "I'm sure he'll do fine."

~DAHP~

"Welcome, i-dren, to de first Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slyderin!"

Of all the people to give Quidditch commentary, did it have to be Lee Jordan? Regardless of whether or not he was stoned, his Rasta-influenced patois was hard at times to understand.

"Is fi mi pleasure to give de commentary fa dis match, an mi naa jesta. Now, put fi ya hands togedah fa … Harry ... Pottah!"

It was odd that even the Gryffindors were cheering for Harry, although this courtesy did not extend to the other Slytherin players.

Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch captain, turned to Harry. "Harry, are you sure you'll be allright for the game?"

"I'm sure, Marcus. Hermione sent me to search for a flying Hershey's chocolate bar."

Marcus's face broke into a grin as he ruffled Harry's hair. "That's one way of looking at it, Harry. You go find that flying Hershey's chocolate bar … just don't eat it, please."

Some time later, as Harry was flying after the Snitch (the little golden ball with wings), his broomstick started lurching every which way. Hermione saw that Professor Quirrell was the source, and, with the help of Neville and Seamus, she lit a firework underneath the unfortunate professor, sending him flying out of the stadium. Finding him sprawled on the ground, she knocked him out cold, saying, "I will kill you and send your remains to Hell if you try to kill Harry ever again, do you understand me, you son of a bitch?"

As for Harry, he caught the Snitch in his mouth and required a Heimlich from Marcus to get it out. Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, was upset about this, but there was nothing in the rule book against it – Slytherin had achieved a crushing victory against Gryffindor.

**Author's Note: Well, I hope the Rasta-influenced Jamaican patois isn't too confusing. I noted in the series that Lee Jordan is dreadlocked, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, Jamaica!" And my birthday is coming up – February ****1st! Great stuff! :) Don't y'all be strangers, now!**

**Smiles to all,**

**Loki Palmer**


	26. Chapter 26

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling.**

** Well, everyone, my birthday went well – I turned 28 this fine year of 2012. DarkHeart81, to answer your question, it turns out it was a Nimbus 2000, not 2001 that was given to Harry in canon. Thanks for pointing that out – my mistake. Little-Miss-Read-a-Lot, yes, there will be more death coming. I know Quirrell-Mort is on the hit list … Gilderoy "Bighead" Lockhart? Maybe.**

** ROBERT-19588, I see your point. MAYBE I should try aiming for at least 2,000 words a chapter instead. Updates may take longer if I do that, though.**

**Chapter 26**

Tommy's eyes were flaming in anger upon hearing about Quirrell's attempted murder of Harry. "He tried to murder Harry by tossing him off his broom? Where in blazes was I?"

Hermione gave an apologetic look at Tommy. "Tommy, you were stoned out of your mind."

Lee put up his hands in surrender. "Is naa fi mi fault, mon. Tommy grab de ganja fram out fi mi han, an as it turns out, him hab a connection wid Harry, so Harry stone as well. Is a crazy world wi be living in." (It's not my fault, man. Tommy grabbed the ganja out from my hand, and as it turns out, he has a connection with Harry, so Harry's stoned as well. It's a crazy world we're living in.)

Harry looked at Lee in surprise. "Lee, how could you tell that Tommy and I have a connection?"

"Is easy fi tell, Harry. Tommy can tell wa yu be tinking a lot a de time. Does naa tek a rocket scientist fi figure it out. Naa worry bout a ting, Harry – mi know Jah be on fi yu side, an mi be on Jah's side – derefore, mi be on fi yu side. Mi naa care fa de prejudice a dis Babylon dat de Ministry a Magic is. Everybody de same in fi Him eyes. As fa Professah Quirrell, him a go a Bloodfire soon, mi sure a dat." (It's easy to tell, Harry. Tommy can tell what you're thinking a lot of the time. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Don't worry about a thing, Harry – I know God is on your side, and I'm on God's side – therefore, I'm on your side. I don't care for the prejudice of this corrupt system that the Ministry of Magic is. Everybody is the same in His eyes. As for Professor Quirrell, he will go to Hell soon, I'm sure of that.)

Hermione smiled. "Thanks for you support, Lee."

~DAHP~

One day, Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia were walking around a castle when a staircase took them in an unfamiliar direction. Going through the door in front of them brought them into a dark corridor.

"It seems quiet here ..." said Harry. "Too quiet, in fact ..."

"Does anybody get the feeling that we are not supposed to be here?" said Ophelia.

"Aunt Ophelia is right," said Hermione. "This is the forbidden third floor corridor."

"I have to wonder why it is forbidden?" said Tommy. "Harry, any ideas?"

"No, I don't have any ideas … except to guess that it's behind that door there."

Tommy walked forward to examine it. "It's locked. Alohomora." The lock shifted. "Wow. A simple locking mechanism: what idiot came up with that brilliant idea?"

"Is that a rhetorical question, Tommy?"

Tommy rolled his eyes. "Of course it's a rhetorical question, meathead. We both know the Manipulative Old Prick was behind this."

Ophelia held him back. "Tommy, what if it's a trap?"

"What, do you think he'd put a nuke behind the door and rig it to blow up on whomever comes through it?"

"While we have never known the old man to be sane, that was not what I was thinking. Just be careful, okay?"

"Of course I'll be careful." He walked through the door … then, with an obscene yell in Harry's head, came running back out a few moments later, his face blanched of all color – as if he had seen a ghost. In spite of his trembling, he managed to shut the door as Hermione locked it again. "D-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't g-g-g-g-g-g-go in th-th-th-th-there," he said.

"I have never seen Tommy so scared before," said Harry, "but anything which can scare him cannot be good. Let's get out of here."

~DAHP~

When the next day rolled around, Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia decided to go out to Hagrid's hut on the grounds. Hagrid was ecstatic to welcome them, giving each one of them a tight hug.

"Harry, I'm glad to see you! How come you and your friends haven't come out to visit me in all this time?"

"I've been busy with classes, Hagrid. Also, Tommy's a little nervous about meeting you."

"He's nervous, you say?" He looked at Tommy. "Well, seeing your face brings back a lot of memories, Tommy, and I can't say all of them were good." Tommy hung his head. "That being said, Tommy, I like to let the past stay in the past where it belongs as far as I'm concerned. What happened between us in the past has affected who I've become, to be sure, but I don't let it put any limits on me, do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I think I do, and for the wrong I did to you, Hagrid, I am sorry."

"Your apology is accepted, Tommy, though good was able to come out of it all the same." He turned to Ophelia. "Why, Ophelia, as I live and breathe, it's good to see you again."

"It's good to see you too, Hagrid."

"It broke my heart to hear of what happened to you in your third year, going insane and all of that. What happened to the culprits?"

"Tommy avenged me by sending them insane as well. They ended up in St. Mungo's beyond all hope of recovery."

"Those bitches deserved it for what they did to you, Ophelia," said Tommy under his breath.

Hagrid gave him a sad smile. "It turns out it goes a long way towards explaining how you went over to the Dark Side, Tommy. And we all thought you were evil just because you went into Slytherin."

"To be honest, I didn't have the proper upbringing to become a good person, Hagrid … in fact, Harry didn't have the proper upbringing either."

Hagrid's face darkened. "What do you mean? Harry, what kind of upbringing did you have?"

"To be blunt, Hagrid, the Dursleys treated me worse than a house elf. Any chores that needed to be done, who did them? I did. Who was the one beaten when things went wrong? I was. Who slept in a tiny little cupboard under the stairs? I did. Whom did Vernon Dursley almost beat to death in a fit of fury? HE BEAT ME!"

"Harry … when I placed you there with them … I didn't know ..."

"It's not your fault, Hagrid. That Manipulative Old Prick Dumblescheiss did not want you to know a thing. He wanted me weak, malleable, and ready to die at a moment's notice in the service of his so-called 'Greater Good' … he did not care about me in the least. He threw my godfather into Azkaban so he could have a clear shot at placing me with the Dursleys."

"He threw an undeserving man into Azkaban? That place is Hell on Earth!"

"He also stole from my vault, paying the Dursleys for my 'care' ..." the air quotes were more than plain in Harry's tone, "which they used on themselves, those greedy pigs ..."

"Are the Dursleys still alive?"

"No, they're dead. You would have liked to rip them limb from limb, am I right?"

"Aye, Harry. So, where did you go to live after their demise?"

"I went to live with Hermione and her parents."

Hagrid smiled at her. "Lady Potter, so I hear … and Professor Snape tells me you're quite the brilliant little witch ..."

Hermione blushed a bright pink. "He is too kind, Hagrid ..."

"Naw, he isn't, and you're just being modest. To tell you the truth, it's rare for him to praise anyone, so for anyone to earn his praise … that's quite the treat to cherish, aye?" The quartet nodded. "By the way, I believe that you and Ophelia are related?"

"Yes, Hagrid, she's my great aunt."

Tommy smiled. "That's right, Hagrid, and I'm her great uncle. I'm an uncle, and I'm great."

"Uncle Tommy … aye, that does have a nice ring to it."

"Here's an idea for an autobiography … MY LIFE WITH UNCLE TOMMY."

"Yeah, Harry, or how about, MY LIFE WITH HARRY IN HIS CRAMPED CUPBOARD OF CRAP?"

This set Hagrid, Hermione and Ophelia laughing as the two wizards went on a mini-duel, which, a couple of minutes later, they had to declare a draw.

Hermione turned to Hagrid, and said, "Well, Hagrid, what is a nine foot Rottweiler with three heads doing in the castle?"

"How do you know about Fluffy?"

Tommy and Harry burst into laughter. "FLUFFY?"

"Laugh it up all you like, lads, but he's there to guard something, and it's none of your business what it is, do you understand?"

They tried to compose their faces as they said, "Yes, Hagrid."

Leaving the hut, Tommy said, "I hope Hagrid stays away from the alcohol … otherwise, we're going to be in deep shit." SMACK! "OW!"

~DAHP~

For the quartet, Christmas vacation could not come too soon. About a week before it started, Harry was putting together the guest list for his place, which was quite extensive: the Weasleys, Neville, Fred and George, Seamus, Susan, her aunt Madam Amelia Bones, Lee, Holmes and Watson …

"Harry, mon, mi naa be sure bout visiting if yu gwine fi hab de po-lice dere." (Harry, man, I'm not sure about visiting if you're going to have the police there.)

"Lee, Holmes says don't worry. Potter Manor is on magical land. My land, my rules. On the other hand, if you're that concerned about getting busted, don't bring the marijuana with you. Have you smoked tobacco?"

Lee's eyes lit up. "Ya, mon, is relaxing too, especially when is in a pipe." (Yeah, man, it's relaxing too, especially when it's in a pipe.)

"That's excellent to hear, Lee, because you're in good company. Holmes also smokes a pipe."

"Dat be cool, Harry. Mi gwine fi come." (That's cool, Harry. I'm going to come.)

~DAHP~

At the London residence of 221B Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were relaxing and smoking their pipes when Fawkes flamed in.

"Why, hullo, Fawkes, my good fellow! How is Harry doing?"

Fawkes gave a merry trill and stuck out his leg. Holmes took the paper attached, and read:

"Dear Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson,

I am happy to report that my first semester at Hogwarts has gone well. If it is no trouble, I would like to extend the two of you an invitation to my Manor for the Christmas holidays. I will send someone to pick you and your belongings up if you accept. In the meantime, I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Sincerely,

Lord Harry James Potter."

"Well, Doctor, it's good to know the young man is kind enough to involve us in his life, even after he starts attending Hogwarts. Have you any plans for the holidays?"

"No, Holmes, I don't have any plans in particular ..."

"Splendid, Watson! In that case, we'll be spending the holidays at Potter Manor. Just let me write up a response ..." Bounding over to his desk, he scribbled on a fresh piece of paper and he gave it to Fawkes. "Give Harry our warmest greetings." Fawkes trilled and flamed out. "Come, Watson … we will have to pack our suitcases … note to self: must visit tobacconist's for two weeks of tobacco ..."

"It's almost inconceivable that any place in the United Kingdom would not have a tobacconist's, Holmes. Are we sure we need to visit the one here?"

"You may be right, Watson, but I don't like to take any chances. It's best to be prepared in case his town does not have a tobacconist's."

"And what if I'm right in my guess, Holmes?"

"If you are right, Watson, that his town has a tobacconist's, then we'll have all the more tobacco to try out – a good thing for the both of us."

"Of course it would be a good thing for the both of us. We both know you smoke like a chimney."

Holmes put his hand over his heart. "My, my, my … Doctor, you wound me."

~DAHP~

Fawkes came into the Slytherin common room, carrying Holmes's response. Harry read it:

"Dear Harry,

It would give me and the Doctor the greatest pleasure to accept your invitation to come out to your Manor for the holidays.

Sincerely,

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson

221B Baker Street, London."

**Author's Note: Wow, it certainly has been a while since I've updated this story. I've been working on three other fanfics at the time I'm typing this chapter (March 6, 2012). For those of you who are enjoying this, I'm working on another Dark Harry story entitled, "Malak Al-Mawt: Angel of Death!" Quite entertaining, if I do say so myself … :)**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**


	27. Chapter 27

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

.By Loki Palmer

** Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The way I originally wrote this chapter, I had brought in another character, Johnny Blaze/Ghost Rider. One negative review did not like me bringing in characters I shouldn't, so he said, so I thought I might as well type up another draft of this chapter without bringing in Ghost Rider. Jesus and the Devil are non-negotiable, though, seeing how this story is under a Supernatural classification. A supernatural story not having supernatural characters in it? Get out of here! It's not very often that I'll make a change based on reviews, but it has happened before (for example, see the last two chapters of another story, "Harry Potter and the Casino Royale.")**

** Incoming monkey wrench in three … two … one … DUCK!**

**Chapter 27**

A glowing figure came down from Heaven to land in Hell. Wailing demons gave Him a wide berth as He passed by them to enter an office down in the Ninth Circle.

Lucifer looked up from his work. "Well, well, well, if it isn't my ancient nemesis, the Nazarene. What brings you into MY domain now? Did you come here to gloat?"

"Far from it. Does THIS look like a face of a gloating person?"

"No, not at all … in fact, Your face looks angry to me. It must be bad news to have You storming all the way down here through Hell like this."

"Oh, it is bad, I assure you. Are you aware that one of your prisoners has escaped?"

Lucifer slammed his fist on the table. "OF COURSE I'M AWARE! WHAT BAFFLES ME IS THE QUESTION OF HOW THAT HIJO DE PUTA ALBUS TOO MANY NAMES DUMBLEDORE GOT THE HELL OUT OF HERE! IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT –"

"Heaven has denied him entrance, Lucifer – even you should know that."

"That's good for him. I would not want to go tramping through Heaven just to drag him back here. Since it is obvious he is back on Earth, why should I be interested, considering that I am infamous for my love of disorder?"

"When Lord Harry Potter makes it down to the Afterlife, should it be by Dumbledore's hand or Voldemort's, I'm going to put him in charge of Hell if you refuse to budge."

This threat got Lucifer's attention. "Lord Harry Potter, You say? The badass kid who has been responsible for sending down the most recent arrivals of Hell?"

"The very same."

"You … wouldn't … dare!"

"Would you care to wager on that?"

"No way! The last time I wagered anything against You, I ended up humiliated at the end of it! It's not fun at all, trying to wager against a Being who knows all there is to know."

"So what's your answer? Will you get him back?"

"Por la Santa Virgen, Jesucristo, you drive a hard bargain … of course I'll help! I have one question, though: how did Voldemort pull it off? He doesn't lay claim to the Resurrection Stone, after all, Harry does."

"That's true. It seems that Voldemort had some help from your realm, Lucifer."

"I was afraid you would say it was one of my infernal subordinates. Which one?"

"His name is Belial."

"Well, this is fantastic. Of all the possible cock-a-roach troublemakers out there from the realm of Hell, it just has to be one of my kids. Dumbledore is possessed, I take it?"

"Yes."

"As powerful as Harry is, he's going to need all the help he can get. Will both Heaven and Hell be helping him?"

"Heaven is just as interested in the outcome of this as Hell is, so the answer is yes."

Lucifer made a facepalm. "I knew there was something about this that I wouldn't like."

~DAHP~

DING DONG!

Harry opened the door. The bearded stranger he saw on the other side was dressed in a simple brown robe. "A Merry Christmas to you, Milord. Can you spare some food for a poor, homeless beggar like myself?"

"A Merry Christmas to you as well, stranger, and yes, I can spare you some food and more." He looked at the stranger's feet. "Your feet must be freezing! Please come into the Manor; I won't have some beggar getting frostbite on my doorstep."

"You are too kind, Milord, but I don't want to impose on your hospitality ..."

Harry waved him off. "Nonsense! The more, the merrier! I insist that you come inside!"

The beggar smiled as he entered the Manor and followed Harry into the living room. "Thank you, Milord, and God bless your kindness to a poor one such as I."

"Dobby! We're going to have another guest!"

"Yet another guest, Master Harry?" Dobby came out and caught a brief glimpse of the beggar's true identity. Eyes widening, he bowed to him and said, "Dobby will be more than happy to get you some food, sir." He then sped back into the kitchen.

The beggar's eyes twinkled in mirth. "You must be among the kindest of masters to have such a loyal house elf."

Hermione entered the living room. "Harry, what is this I hear about another guest?"

"I found him on our doorstep, Hermione. Did you expect me to leave him out there to freeze?"

"Not at all, dear, not at all. Welcome to our Manor, sir."

Dobby entered, carrying a plate of pita bread and hummus. "This is too little an offering for someone of your station, sir."

The beggar reached out and put his hand on Dobby's head. "No, Dobby – even a glass of water offered to a prophet will merit a prophet's reward. Thank you for this gift." Turning to Harry, he asked, "You don't mind if I say the blessing over this, right, Milord?"

"Go ahead."

The beggar started to chant a prayer: "ברוך אתה יהוה אלהינו מלך העולם (Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha -Olam – Blessed art Thou, O Lord Our God, King of the Universe)." Breaking the bread, he dipped it in the hummus and finished the prayer: "המוציא לחם מן הארץ (ha-motzi lechem min ha-Aretz – Who bringest forth bread from the Earth)." A few minutes later, he finished the bread, wiped his lips with the napkin provided, and sat back in his seat. "Oh, yeah, that takes me back."

Harry started to get the feeling that there was something – special – about this beggar. "Just – how far back does it take you, if I may be so curious?"

"Oh, it was a long, long time ago by your years – before either of you were ever born, in fact." Noticing Harry's surprised expression, the beggar chuckled. "What's the matter, Harry James Potter? Have I struck you speechless?"

Harry smiled. "Only for a brief moment, but with all due honor and respect to Your Majesty, You don't look a day over 33."

Indeed, Harry's guess of the beggar's identity was correct, and Jesus smiled. "Well guessed, Harry, well guessed. Thomas sounds scared of Me, though."

Ophelia came in dragging a whimpering Tommy. "Your Majesty is not kidding. Tommy's been whimpering ever since You walked in here."

"Please … have mercy … I'm too young to die ..."

Jesus held up His hands in a soothing gesture. "Fear not, Thomas. I did not come here to condemn you for the sins you have committed when you were part of Voldemort … I came to save you FROM the sins you have committed, that is, if you are willing to be separated from them."

"So … many … sins ..."

"If I forgave St. Peter, who denied Me three times, and St. Paul, who threw My servants in jail before I got a hold of him, what makes you think that I cannot forgive you, O you of little faith?"

"You can … forgive me?"

"I can … and I will, but only if you are willing." Jesus's clothes transformed from his brown beggar's robe to the white alb of a Catholic priest with a purple stole which lay on both sides of his chest and wrapped around His neck. "Will you make your Confession, Thomas, My Son?"

"Yes." Harry and the others exited, leaving Tommy alone with Jesus.

Jesus started with the Sign of the Cross. "In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. May you confess your sins with a loving faith and trust. Amen."

"Amen. Forgive me, my Lord, for I have sinned ..."

~DAHP~

By the time that Tommy was done listing the mortal sins he had done in his past life as a part of Voldemort, he had tears in his eyes. "... for these and all my other sins I am sorry."

"Well done, Thomas. I know that it was very hard for you to open up to Me, but you have done well. Since you know the Hail Mary prayer, I will assign you one Rosary of fifteen decades as an act of penance. Can you pray a sincere Act of Contrition?"

"My Lord, I pray that I may be able to do so. O my God … I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against You whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend … with Your help and Your grace … to do penance … to sin no more … and to avoid whatever would lead me to sin. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us … in His name, my God … have mercy … Amen ..."

"God the Father of mercies, through the death and the Resurrection of His Son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins … Through the ministry of the Church, may God grant you pardon and peace … and I absolve you from your sins … in the Name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit … Amen."

Tommy fell into the Lord's arms and started to cry like a baby, such was the weight that his Confession had taken off of him …

~DAHP~

When Tommy and Jesus entered the dining room, Harry could not help noticing the glowing light around his face. "Tommy … I take it Confession went well?"

"Oh, Harry … I feel like St. Augustine after his conversion by St. Ambrose of Milan … you could say I am … what's the phrase? Ah, yes … 'born again.' "

"Well, Harry, now that Thomas is purified, I can give My gift to you for Christmas."

"If I may be so curious, Lord, what is it?"

Jesus opened His hand, and within was a shining blue flame. "This, Harry, is called Seraphic Fire. I'm certain you've heard of Fiendfyre, am I right?"

Harry nodded. "Fiendfyre is deadly and difficult to control."

"Correct, Harry. Seraphic Fire is the exact opposite of Fiendfyre. The difficulty of control can vary depending on how pure your heart is – those who are pure of heart have the easiest time controlling it. The only things to whom it is deadly are Dark Creatures. At the very least, they will find its touch to be torturous. The incantation is πυραγιον."

Harry felt a consuming warmth enter him as Jesus touched his forehead. "Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful gift. Merry Christmas."

Jesus smiled. "Merry Christmas to you, your family, and your guests. May the blessings of Almighty God – the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit – remain with you, and lo, I will be with you always, even until the consummation of the age ..."

With that, Jesus faded out of Harry's sight. Harry was not aware of it, but Jesus also gave the same gift of Seraphic Fire to his friends as well.

**Author's Note: In the next chapter, the Devil will pay our Hero a visit … I think you can guess who I would have play him, right? A reward for the first person to guess it right! I'm not entirely sure what the reward will be, but I'm sure we can think of something … :)**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**

**P.S.,**

**I hope this second draft is better. As far as the guesses so far are concerned, keep guessing … :)**


	28. Chapter 28

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Okay, it turns out after writing out that second draft of this story's Chapter 27, Arthur Hawkwing 1 did not have a problem with Ghost Rider being in it, but had a problem with Jesus (and, I guess, the Devil) being in it. Meh. Quod scripsi, scripsi. If it's any consolation (are you still reading, Arthur Hawkwing 1?), Jesus and the Devil don't have big roles in the fanfic, so big whoop. References were made to Heaven, Hell, the Angel of Death, St. Peter … If you still don't want to read after this point, well, we'll miss you … :( **

** Sigh … you can't please everybody all the time ...**

** Regarding the guesses that I have received for what actor I would put in the Devil's role, I've only received one: Christopher Walken. Interesting choice, bensdad, but no. Vernon Dursley is already dead, hpnut1, and besides, he isn't an actor. Keep the guesses coming!**

** To dl1993: You're being funny, right? The only drug problem I have is caffeine – which is 100% legal, by the way – nya nya nya nya nya nya! :P**

** DarkHeart81: I got a little carried away putting the character of Ghost Rider in, but it turns out I didn't need him after all.**

** To those of my fans willing to keep up, thank you for your wonderful support. To my new fans, welcome. On with our story!**

**Chapter 28**

DING DONG!

A chill spread through the air, stopping the party in full swing. "Well, who the Devil could that be?" said Seamus.

"I don't know," said Harry, "but I intend to find out."

Opening the door, Harry saw a handsome, middle-aged man with dark brown hair, dark eyes, and a few wrinkles that showed great age, yet did not detract from his overall beauty. "Lord Harry James Potter, I presume?"

"Speaking. Judging from the chill you're emanating into the air, you must be none other than the Devil himself."

"I have had many, many names over the ages, but, yes, that is one of my names. May I come in, Harry?"

"As long as you don't hurt anybody here, you may come in."

He entered. "Thank you, Harry. I suggest we gather everyone in your meeting room. The news I have to report concerns all of you."

~DAHP~

When everyone had gathered, the Devil turned to Tommy. "Ah, Thomas, do you remember that contract you signed with me to gain power? It's not in your name anymore."

"What contract is he talking about, Tommy?" said Ophelia.

Tommy sighed. "After those Slytherin females drove you insane, Ophelia, I signed a contract with him to gain more power."

The Devil nodded. "Yes. This was the key event that helped to bring about the one known as Lord Voldemort. Pride is my number one sin, the one I love the most, and Voldemort was and is full of it. When Tommy, in Harry's head, prayed the Hail Mary in desperation, none other than the Virgin Mary forced me to switch the contract over to Voldemort's name."

"Meaning that Tommy is safe from your infernal clutches," said Ophelia.

"Yes … for the moment. I will admit, creating Lord Voldemort was a stroke of genius on my part, and I had a lot of material at my disposal … all that anger, hatred, pride … the problem about the use of terror is that it's a double-edged sword for me."

"Would you care to explain that?" said Harry.

"Yes, Harry, I shall. While it would seem that I revel in the atmosphere of terror, whether it be real or imagined, in some people, it will drive them further to the protection of God. That celestial peace that passeth all understanding can do wonders for people. That being said, another problem about Voldemort is how many people have ended up dying before they should be dying! These are people that I'm not getting the opportunity to tempt, and they're running through my fingers like sand! I tell myself, hey, this is the way the Almighty made the Universe, who am I to question it? Well, lo and behold, as soon as I tell myself this, the biggest problem of all arrives, and this is bad news for you, Harry."

Harry sighed. "I have no idea how Voldemort could be any worse, but – what is this bad news?"

"Harry, it is one thing for the Nazarene to play with the rules of life and death, considering He's God, but when Voldemort starts doing the same, all Hell breaks loose at the seams. With help from one of my kids – Belial – Voldemort has released one of my prisoners."

"Which one?"

"Albus Dumbledore."

Tommy's eyes widened in disbelief. "Albus Dumbledore, the Manipulative Old Prick?"

Much to the greater shock of everyone, Harry picked up the Devil and slammed him against the wall. "What the Hell kind of security system do you run down there? There is no way out for Hell's human residents, that's why it's known as Hell!"

"Harry, have you ever heard of a magic called Necromancy?"

Tommy paled and started to hyperventilate. "Oh, no … oh, no … this is bad, this is very, very bad … we are all in trouble ..."

Ophelia held his trembling body close to her. "Harry, the magic of Necromancy is the Darkest ever … it deals with bringing the Dead back from the Afterlife to here … especially the damned residents of Hell."

"The danger with the attempt to call back human spirits is that devils will like to come along for the ride. Considering he fears Death, I never would have thought Voldemort would have the cojones to call up a dead person. However, as we have found out, even our best guesses can be wrong."

Harry released the Devil from his grip and let him stand. "We won't be able to take on Voldemort and Dumbledore like we are, am I right?"

"I hate to say this to you, Harry, but no, you won't. As strong as you are, they would wipe the floor with you. Here's some good news for you, though: considering that I like you, I want you to say hello to your new little friend."

A wand popped out of a wrist holster. "This wand used to belong to that Manipulative Old Prick, but it belongs to you now. Take it: it won't bite."

While the piece "Low of Solipsism" played, Harry's hand drew closer to the wand and the room grew darker. The joining of the wand to its new master produced a magical spark of lightning that illuminated the room. The thunderclap that sounded shook the entire Manor and was almost enough to deafen everyone for a few seconds.

The Devil grinned. "How do you feel now, Killer … or should I say, Kira?"

"I feel excellent. This is the Elder Wand, isn't it?"

"Of course. As Master of the Deathly Hallows, you also are the Master of Death."

"That would explain all these new sensations … it's like I can feel the souls of people both on this side and the other side. It may also interest you to know that there is somebody else who came up out of Hell with Dumbledore and Belial to join Voldemort."

The Devil's eyebrows rose. "Oh, really? If I may be so curious, who might that be?"

Harry's malevolent grin and quasi-maniacal chuckle sent a chill of fear through the fallen archangel. "Troll Brain ..."

**Author's Note: Well, what do you know? Troll Brain is back? That was unexpected. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and keep the reviews (and the love) coming!**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**


	29. Chapter 29

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. My congratulations to MariusDarkwolf for his accurate guess – Al Pacino would be the person I would have in mind as the Devil, especially considering his famous movie in which he played that role – "Devil's Advocate" alongside Keanu Reeves (another great actor). On with our story!**

"**Boku-wa … seigi da!" (I … am justice!) – Light Yagami/Kira in "Death Note"**

**Chapter 29**

"Troll Brain is back?" said Tommy. "That does not sound like my evil self – to call back the most powerful wizard and the dumbest from the Underworld in one fell swoop. What can he be thinking?"

"He wants allies, Thomas. As soon as he gets a new body, he will want his allies again by his side."

Tommy's eyes widened. "My Death Eaters, fighting against me? This is bad news ..."

Harry decided to clear his throat. "Tommy, did you forget the new phoenix mark that I put on Lucius's arm? Those Death Eaters who are loyal to ME now have it on their arms."

"What about those who did not accept you, Harry?"

"Dead. There is no redemption for the unrepentant."

Amelia Bones nodded. "That would explain all those deaths in the Ministry some years ago, Lord Potter. The one thing they all had in common was that they had the Dark Mark on their arms."

"Harry ..." said Tommy. "Can you sense which of the former Death Eaters are still alive?"

"Yes … Lucius Malfoy … Narcissa's still alive, since she didn't take the Dark Mark … Augustus Rookwood … and … oh, boy, is this going to shock you … Bellatrix Black, formerly Lestrange."

This got Neville's attention. "WHAT? THAT PSYCHO BITCH IS STILL ALIVE?"

"That's my cousin you're calling a psycho bitch, Neville!" said Sirius.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, SIRIUS! THIS IS BETWEEN THE HOUSE OF LONGBOTTOM AND HER!"

Tommy held up his hands in a gesture of peaceful surrender. "Neville, I'm sorry for what happened to your parents. Bellatrix must have told them she was coming to kill you and they laughed themselves into insanity."

This statement brought a round of uneasy laughs that grew into roars when they saw Neville join in, recognizing Tommy's attempt to lighten the mood. "All the same, Tommy, I do owe you this," he said, punching Tommy in the face and eliciting another roar of laughter.

"I guess I deserved that, Neville ..." Tommy's face blanched. "Harry … the clock is ticking on our lives … Voldemort's back. We have to collect and destroy those Horcruxes with all possible speed."

"Where are they?"

"Let me think for a moment, meathead! The diary I left with Lucius, Hufflepuff's Cup I left with Bellatrix, Ravenclaw's Diadem is in the Room of Requirement at Hogwarts, and Slytherin's Locket … somebody moved it ...to the Black home … "

Harry pulled out his communication mirror. "Lord Potter calling Ragnok!"

"Ragnok here, Lord Potter. How may Gringotts be of service to you today?"

"Ragnok, there may be a Horcrux in the vault of one Bellatrix Black."

"I see. Our policy is to destroy any Horcrux we find, Milord. What is the object in question?"

"It's Hufflepuff's Cup, Ragnok."

The goblin nodded. "Yes … we shall destroy it at once, Milord. Even the Dark Lord knows better than to mess with the Goblin Nation, so have no fear about any repurcussions from him."

"To be honest, that is one worry I have."

"Well, stop it, Milord. It is no difficulty for us Goblins to take care of ourselves. You just focus on sending the bastard to Hell, and we will have a celebratory meal when this is all over."

"Dominus vobiscum." (The Lord be with you.)

"Et cum spiritu tuo." (And with your spirit.) The mirror went off.

"Kreacher!" called Sirius.

POP! An old house elf appeared. "How may Kreacher be of service to Lord Black?"

"Kreacher, is there a locket in the Black home?"

"Yes, Milord."

"Bring it here for us."

Kreacher bowed, disappeared, and returned with the locket. "Here it is, Milord."

The Devil reached down and took it. "I'll take it from here, Kreacher. Your former Master, Regulus, wanted it destroyed, and that's what I'm going to do."

"The Evil One is welcome to it anyway," said Kreacher with a small bow as he disappeared.

"Two down, two to go," said Harry.

~DAHP~

As for Voldemort, Tommy's statement was accurate – he managed to come back, using a bone of his father, flesh of a servant – Ron's hand – and blood of an enemy. He would have preferred the blood of Harry Potter, his nemesis, but the blood of Albus Dumbledore sufficed for his purposes. When they had killed off Harry Potter and his allies, then he would kill off Albus Dumbledore. Albus Dumbledore, for his part, was thinking that he would kill off Voldemort and get all the glory for doing so, just as he received the glory for stopping Grindelwald.

Ron did not have two brain cells to rub together in the action known as "thinking," but the main thoughts – if a Troll Brain even had thoughts – included getting sweet, sweet vengeance on Harry Potter and getting his hands on that smart Mudblood. She would pay … oh, boy, she would pay ...


	30. Chapter 30

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter" **

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Oy, the last week of May 2012 has been a busy one for me … meh …**

** Purple 'N' Blue Wings: To be technical, Tommy was praying the Hail Mary in Italian, not in Latin. Just thought I'd clarify … though I'm glad you (and many others) are enjoying this story.**

** A couple people who don't like this story decided to be jerks (that's the politest term I could think of, though I could use others) and left flames. If you don't like my story, the Back button is there for a reason – I suggest you use it and don't leave a flaming bag of excrement on my doorstep. Thank you.**

** Intelligo: There is no need to insult other people for their musical taste. Have a heart … besides, as much as it may baffle me, some people don't like the sound of classical music (for the record, I listen to almost everything).**

** This story, I admit, has been a lot of fun to write, but it looks like it will be wrapping up soon – I don't know how soon. All good stories must come to an end at some point, after all, eh? Still, I will be sad to leave this one … it's literally the most popular of all the stories I've done.**

**Chapter 30**

Lord Voldemort looked at Ron. "Well, Ronald Weasley, it seems you have some use after all. I want to thank you for the hand you've sacrificed to help me. Is there anything that I, Lord Voldemort, can do for you in return?"

Ron bowed at his feet. "In return for my service, Milord, I want revenge on Harry Potter and his friends."

Lord Voldemort gave him a cold smile. "Ah, revenge … the dish that is best served cold, as the saying goes. I sense there is more you want besides just revenge?"

"Well … I did not think that far ahead ..."

"Ah, but Lord Voldemort can guess what Weasley wants. Weasley lusts after Potter's money and Potter's beloved little Mudblood, yes? Weasley wants her to be his little whore, yes? Weasley will show the little Mudblood that it is the Purebloods in charge, yes?"

"Yes … Milord."

"Excellent." Lord Voldemort moved his wand in an intricate pattern, muttering in Parseltongue, fashioning a new hand for Ron made of silver with the Dark Mark on it. "Lord Voldemort knows how to reward loyalty. I hope your new hand will serve you well, Ronald Bilius Weasley."

"Thank you, Milord."

"Now, your first assignment is to find the Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw. It is found in the Room of Requirement, next to a portrait of Barnabas the Barmy trying to teach trolls how to dance. To open the room, you need to pass by the wall three times, thinking of what you need. Try thinking of the place where all hidden things are, and I'm sure it will come to you."

"What am I to do when I find it, Milord?"

"Maybe … you can consider it a present to your little whore. I'm sure she would like it, yes?"

Ron left Lord Voldemort's presence with a smile on his face and with the image of Hermione snogging his brains out running through his head.

Dumbledore looked at Voldemort. "Voldemort, what are the chances this will work?"

Lord Voldemort sighed. "Albus, I would lay 100-to-1 odds against that Troll Brain coming out of this mission alive … on the other hand, try to look at the bright side of this ..."

Dumbledore's eyes widened. "Bright side? What bright side could there possibly be?"

"Two things, Albus, two things. Number one: Potter and his friends get somebody to play with them ..."

"What's number two?"

"Number two: we get rid of some excess baggage ..."

They broke into a bout of villainous laughter …

~DAHP~

At Potter Manor, the group got into a huddle. Harry looked at them.

"Okay, guys, we have no time to lose. There are three missions that must be accomplished to take care of Voldemort. First off, the Devil and I are going to collect Bellatrix Black from Azkaban. Then, he's going to take Azkaban and the Dementors back to Hell where they belong."

The Devil shook his head. "Mortals are so stupid. The Dark wizards who called that place up had no idea what terror they were unleashing …"

Harry gave him a sad smirk. "Quite. Hermione, I'm sending you with Neville and Seamus to collect the Diadem of Ravenclaw at Hogwarts."

"Aye, Harry. You can count on us to keep her safe, fer the glory of St. Patrick."

"What Seamus said, Harry. Do you think Ron will be there?"

"I'm sure he will, that's why I'm sending the two of you with her. You're going to need some help to find that Diadem. Fred? George?"

"Yes, Harry?" they said in stereo.

"Do you know of that forbidden third floor corridor?"

"Yes, of course we do –"

"– Why do you ask?"

"There's a gigantic Rottweiler in there with three heads. Get him out of there and he'll help you find it." They nodded. "Now, Tommy, you're going with Ophelia and Draco out to Malfoy Manor. You need to get your diary back from Lucius."

"I understand, Harry. Is the Devil taking care of the Horcruxes?"

"Of course I am, Thomas. I warn you, when I destroy them, it will knock the both of you down – it involves an extreme dose of pain." The Devil put his fingers into his mouth and gave a whistle. A fiery horse arrived. "This horse is another gift from me, if you don't mind, Harry. This should get you where you're going with all possible speed. El caballo más rápido que el Infierno puede ofrecer a Vuestra Merced, y el más rapido que la Tierra ha jamás visto." (The fastest horse that Hell can offer Your Lordship, and the fastest that Earth has ever seen.) "In the meantime, I have a Horcrux to collect at Gringotts. I'll see you at the North Sea, Harry." He disappeared in a flash of Hellfire.

Harry looked at his motley crew. "Everybody understand their assignments?" There were nods all around. "Okay, everybody move out!"

Hermione grabbed him for a passionate kiss. "Harry, come back safe to me."

"I hope the same for you, Hermione. I know Neville and Seamus will take good care of you."

**"Harry,"** said the piece of Tommy in Harry's head, **"we have nothing to worry about with Hermione, because she will be okay. It's just that I'm worried about my other body. Let's not forget that Voldemort is a powerhouse, and he will have a demon-possessed Dumbledore as his backup."**

Tommy hugged him. "Harry, I am more than certain I will need you before the end of all this."

"Just yell my name, Uncle Tommy, and I'll come like the lightning before the storm. Just keep holding your ground. You can promise me that, right? Whatever you do, hold your ground!"

Tommy's eyes gleamed with the glory of battle. "Brothers to the end, eh, Harry?"

"Always."

Ophelia gave Harry a hug, ruffled his hair, and traced a small Sign of the Cross on his forehead, saying, "Adjutorium nostrum in Nomine Domini." (Our help is in the Name of the Lord)

"Qui fecit caelum et terram." (Who made Heaven and Earth)

~DAHP~

Out at Gringotts, Griphook had the Cup of Helena Hufflepuff on the ground, an axe raised to destroy it. As the axe swung down, the Devil appeared and took the Cup with a quick "Yoink!" – disappearing yet again, much to the shock of Lord Ragnok and Griphook.

"Griphook … WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?"

"Milord Ragnok … forgive me … but if I am not mistaken … that was … the Devil."

A loud sigh of relief escaped from Ragnok. "Well, that's one problem off of our shoulders. Now, where's my champagne?"

~DAHP~

Harry arrived at the shore of the North Sea to find three women standing with a tall angel. The one at the center had wild black hair that looked like a bird's nest. "Bellatrix Black, I presume?"

She gave him a fearful nod and looked at the other two women. "My Queen … is this him?"

"Yes, it is … don't be afraid."

Trembling, she came forward and kissed Harry's hand in homage. "Lord Potter, accept my greatest thanks for saving me from that Hellhole. My service is ever thine."

"You are more than welcome, Bella." Harry looked up at the other two women – one was a redhead clothed in a white robe with green eyes – "Mum?"

She answered him with a smile. "Yes, Harry. Your father and I are so proud of you and your friends."

"Even though you know one of my friends was the one who killed you?"

"There are no grudges we hold in Heaven, Harry. It was the grace of God that allowed Tommy to come to the repentance of his sins and to break the bond between him and Voldemort."

Harry looked at the third lady, who was dressed in a robe of blue and white. "Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee."

Her smile was serene. "Hail, Heir of Gryffindor. I am happy to report to you that the saints in Heaven are on their feet watching you and cheering for you."

"Has Heaven guaranteed my victory?"

"Heaven has not permitted Me to tell you which way the battle will go, Harry. I'm sorry."

"Does that mean the battle could still go either way?"

"I'm afraid so, Harry. You may be powerful, but Voldemort has years of experience over you. You know that nothing is fated, and this includes the outcome of your battle."

Harry sighed and gave Mary a bow. "My Queen, the support I receive is all I need. Even if I and my friends should die, I know it will be for the best of causes." He turned to the angel. "St. Michael, are there any more innocents in Azkaban?"

St. Michael's face was grim. "No, there are none, and you can thank the Dementors for that."

The Devil showed up in a blaze of Hellfire. "Ah, here we are, at last! Hey, why does everyone look so grim all of a sudden?"

St. Michael glared at him in distaste. "Ah, Lucifer, how you are fallen from your height! I am certain that you have been drinking again?"

"Well, of course I've been drinking, Michael! Why wouldn't you celebrate?"

"I won't be celebrating until Voldemort is gone for good."

"Well, until then, we should pull up some chairs, get ourselves some popcorn, and enjoy the match, what do you say?"

"FIRST THINGS FIRST, FALLEN ONE! The Almighty says He WANTS THAT EYESORE GONE!"

The Devil looked out to the North Sea. "Ah, yes, Azkaban. Hell on Earth. It's about time that I took it back where it belongs. Harry – by the way, I've got Helga Hufflepuff's Cup with me. Two more Horcruxes to grab, and this will all be over."

"Excellent." Harry got back onto his horse with Bellatrix behind him. "Let's ride."

As they sped off in a blaze of fire to Hogwarts – Spiderbait's cover of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" playing in the background – the Devil let out an unearthly roar and Azkaban descended far, far down into the depths of Hell. King Minos welcomed the guilty prisoners and tossed many of them into Lake Phlegethon in Violence.

Voldemort watched the scene from afar. "Well, Azkaban is lost to us, Albus. It looks like we'll have to go somewhere else to grab an ally."

"Do you have any such place in mind?"

"Oh, yes, I do – it's where you put one of your old friends …"


	31. Chapter 31

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. [Sigh] Must I receive more of the insulting reviews? Please, if you don't like what I write, the Back button is there for a reason – use it! To my dear fans, thank you for all the support!**

** As for any concerns about Grindelwald … I do have a surprise about him … do I look like the type to put Our Great Hero into impossible odds? As Heath Ledger's Joker said, "You have to have an Ace in the hole." **

**Chapter 31**

Argus Filch, the cantankerous old caretaker, was on one of his nightly patrols with Mrs. Norris, his cat, looking around for any troublemakers. Coming by the forbidden third floor corridor, he heard voices:

"Merlin's beard, George, that's a big mutt."

"No, Fred, THAT is not a big mutt. That's a gigantic, gargantuan mutt."

"Also known as a Cerberus, he is –"

"– one of the most vicious animals on the planet –"

"– one wrong move, one bite, even –"

"– aye, and we're both dead. Do you want to wake it?"

"I would ask if you've lost your sanity, but since we are twins, we already know the answer to that question. No, I say we BOTH wake it."

"Great idea." They grinned at each other as they brought out bicycle horns. On these bicycle horns were written the words, "Please Squeeze Me Gently."

"We honk on the count of three. One –"

"–Two–"

"–Three!" They gave the horns a hard squeeze.

AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA ! The sound echoed through the castle, scaring the Professors out of bed with a start.

Much to the shock and the amusement of the Twin Terrors, they heard another sound like that of a helicopter: rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat …

"George, what's that sound?"

"I would almost say a helicopter's taking off – oh, would you look at that, Fred? He's wagging!"

Waggity-waggity-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag …

"Do you want to go for a walk, boy?"

"WOOF!" The Cerberus gave an excited nod.

"Can you take us with you?"

The Cerberus gave another excited nod as it lowered its heads for Fred and George to saddle up on its heads. "HEIGH HO, ROVER – AWAY!"

" 'Rover', Fred? Is that the best name you could – WHOA!"

The Cerberus emitted a chilling howl and burst through the door at full speed. Mrs. Norris let out a screech of terror and bolted out of the area like a bolt of lightning.

Argus Filch, the cantankerous caretaker of Hogwarts, was not so lucky. When a megaton, megalithic mutt meets with a human at the speed of a tornado, the human is going to suffer a severe injury – AND a major headache if he awakes.

Professor Minerva McGonagall and the other Heads of House arrived on the scene a couple moments later. "Madam Pomfrey to the third floor corridor. Madam Pomfrey to the third floor corridor."

Madam Pomfrey arrived. "Who got injured tonight? Oh, goodness gracious me, Argus! He should know better than to stand in front of a Cerberus on the rampage!"

"Minerva …" said Professor Snape. "There's another sound out there …"

A neigh and galloping hoofs sounded, along with some growling …

"Yippee yi ay! Yippee yi oh! Ghost riders in the sky …"

A fiery horse appeared, Harry and Bellatrix atop it as it leaped over them and screeched to a halt. "Did you miss me, Severus?"

"You have no idea, Milord. There's been a Cerberus that passed by here …"

"Excellent … everything's going according to plan. Troll Brain is on the move …"

"Troll Brain? He's here?"

"He should be here. So … 'Batman', do you want to join the hunt?"

" 'Batman'?"

To the question in Snape's eyes, Harry gave a shrill whistle, and a swarm of bats appeared congregating around him. "Many people are scared of bats, Severus … it's time our enemies feared them as well … are you up for this, or not?"

"Am I up for getting another shot at that idiot? Count me in!"

"Don't go forgetting the rest o' us, Severus – we're coming along!" said Professor McGonagall.

"Oh, Minerva, I wouldn't dream of it … Filius and Pomona are up for this as well?"

"I'll show him what a 'midget' can do, Lord Potter," said Professor Flitwick.

"Of course I'm coming, Lord Potter. I don't want to miss the fun," said Professor Sprout.

Harry smiled. "Excellent. We'll meet you in the Room of Requirement."

~DAHP~

In the Room of Requirement, Ron had found the Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw, just as his Master had ordered him to do. Now, where was that insufferable Mudblood know-it-all?

"Hello, Ron. What's that you have there?"

Speak of the angels, she was right behind him! He turned around to see HER, the girl he was dreaming about for a long time … Hermione. Hermione POTTER, to be technical, but he would soon have the arrogant Harry Potter begging his Master for mercy ... and Hermione would be all his, for his pleasure … yes …

He struggled to get the words from his small brain to his mouth. "It's … a diadem … Hermione. I … found it … just for you."

She smiled. "Oh, what a sweet gift this is! Put that down so I can give you a hug!"

Was this it? Were all his dreams about to come true? He gave a pleasant sigh as she wrapped her arms around him, but froze as he heard her say: "As appreciative as I am of this gift, Ron, I'm afraid it does not make up for all that you've done to me … how about a kiss?"

Whoa! This was going too fast. "You first." He closed his eyes.

Hermione gave him a predatory smile. How could he be so stupid?

Ron felt a sharp pain in his back, and screamed. Opening his eyes, he realized that Hermione had stabbed a fiery knife into his back. "YOU BACKSTABBING BITCH!"

A swarm of bats flying at his face interrupted anything else he was going to say as Professor Snape arrived on the scene, a smirk on his face. "That was satisfying. Are you hurt, Milady?"

"No, Professor Snape. Neville and Seamus were close by me in case something happened."

"AAAAAH! GET THEM OFF ME! GET THEM OFF ME!"

A shrill whistle called the bats off, and Ron was looking into the Devil's smiling face, which broke out into song:

"Oh, Ronnie boy, the Hounds of Hell are calling …  
>From regions fen, all 'round the countryside!"<p>

Harry, Neville and Seamus joined in:

"We are amazed, how far the Troll Brain's fallen …"

The four of them sang together:

"With that we say that Troll Brain's gonna die!"

"Troll Brain, we thank you for your help, but you don't belong here anymore. Now, if the Devil will do the honors?"

"I would be happy to, Harry, but where is that mutt?"

"WOOF!"

"Ah, there he is! Fluffy, dinner is served!"

The second end of Ronald "Troll Brain" Weasley was to become a meal for an ecstatic Cerberus.

**"HARRY! I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!"**

The Devil grabbed the Horcrux, and the group was off to Malfoy Manor …


	32. Chapter 32

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

** Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm glad everyone enjoyed Chapter 31 – we have this chapter and an Epilogue to go through! It's all wrapping up, and boy, am I going to miss it – I mean this fanfic. There are other fanfics I'm doing as well, so pay attention to those … :) **

** To those who don't like my writing for some reason or another, that's what the Back button is for – use it and don't leave a flaming bag of excrement on my doorstep. Thank you.**

**Chapter 32**

Tommy, Ophelia and Draco arrived at Malfoy Manor, where Lucius was there to greet them. "Is everything allright, Draco?"

"Everything is okay, Father, but Tommy has something to ask you."

"How may I be of service, Lord Riddle?"

"Lucius, do you remember that diary I gave you for safekeeping? That prick Voldyshorts is back, and we need it to get rid of him."

Lucius's eyes widened for a brief moment as he looked at the situation. He knew this was a big risk he was taking against his old master. "I'm not sure why you would want it, but I'm not going to ask. Follow me."

He led them through the Manor down into a cellar. "Now, I'm sure I put it down here somewhere … excuse me, sir, but who are you?"

The stranger, a tall man dressed in military fatigues, looked at Lucius. "Don't be afraid, Lucius. Lower your wand and we can talk. I do not mean to hurt you or the group that is with you."

Lucius lowered his wand. "You still have not identified yourself."

The stranger smiled. "Too true, I have not. My name is Michael."

Tommy felt a small shiver of awe. "You mean St. Michael the Archangel, right?"

"Yes, Thomas."

"May I ask why you've come out here?"

"I have come here because we need to get rid of that last piece of you that is within that diary. It is too dangerous for you to pick it up."

"Do you have it?"

"Yes, I do." He put his hand on Tommy, who looked up into his eyes – eyes which spoke of power and seemed to flash lightning into him. "Thomas, the battle is soon to come. Be strong and courageous. Heaven is on its feet cheering for you, so don't be afraid."

"Whoever said anything about me being afraid, Michael?"

"All mortals are afraid of something, Thomas."

"What is it that I fear?"

"That's simple to answer, Thomas – you fear that evil alter-ego that you created ..." With that, St. Michael disappeared in a burning flash of light.

~DAHP~

Albus Dumbledore and Voldemort arrived at Nurmengard, out in the Bavarian Alps.

"Nice scenery, Albus. What's the background of this prison?"

"It was Grindelwald's prison. It seemed right to me to imprison him here – the irony of the situation was delicious."

"Hmm. I would have thought he would have sent them out to Hitler's infamous concentration camps. Auschwitz, so I've read, was brutal."

Albus looked at Voldemort in some understandable shock. "YOU read Muggle history?"

"Oh, yes. Some of it was fascinating, especially Hitler's experiment creating what he called the Third Reich. The idea of eradicating the inferior peoples – I think he was one of my greatest inspirations, though Pureblood supremacy was nothing new when I came on the scene."

"Quite. I have no doubt some of Grindelwald's enemies went to the concentration camps, but he sent a number out here. There are only so many open cells, right?"

"Good point, Albus. I'll wait out here for you to talk with him."

~DAHP~

Gellert Grindelwald looked up from his writing desk. "Albus, mein Freund! It's good to see you, ja?"

"It seems like old times, Gellert. Have you been doing well?"

Gellert chuckled. "Have I been doing vell? Ach, this jail cell is quite the retirement for me. Sure, I'm under house arrest, but I make the best of it as I can. I write, I read, I pray … ja, alles ist gut. Now, vat about you? You didn't come here just to catch up on old times, am I right?"

"You are right, Gellert."

"Speak, then. I'm listening."

"You see, there is this rebellious thorn in my side, by the name of Harry Potter ..." With that, Dumbledore explained to his old friend about all the trouble that Potter had been causing him. When he finished, Gellert gave the matter some thought.

"So, if I understand you, you need my help? Considering you are more powerful than I am, vy do you think I should help you?"

"He's growing too powerful for me, Gellert. Do it for the Greater Good … do it for the sake of our friendship."

Gellert nodded. "Okay, my old friend. I'll help you."

The two met up with Voldemort, and they disappeared to Malfoy Manor. Tommy Riddle, sensing their arrival, sent out a distress signal to Harry: **"HARRY! I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!"**

~DAHP~

St. Michael stood at the ward boundary to Malfoy Manor when Harry and his group arrived. "It's good to see you again, Harry. I have the last Horcrux for the Devil to take."

The Devil took it with a smile. "The sooner we can get rid of Voldemort, the better. We're looking at an early Apocalypse if Harry does not defeat him."

"Harry has us for support – Deo gratias. Harry, do you see that man standing guard at the door?"

Harry looked ahead and identified him. "Yes. His name is Gellert Grindelwald, a former Dark Lord responsible for the death of many during World War II. Wait just a minute – he's also changed his allegiance?"

"Prison has a way of changing people, Harry. If Thomas could do it, why not Grindelwald? Go forward and speak to him."

~DAHP~

"Good evening, Grindelwald."

"You must be the celebrated Harry Potter, I presume, ja?"

"Yes. Dumbledore must have told you about me, but enough of that. Where do your loyalties lie?"

"Vith you, of course, mein Herr. Dumbledore forgot to mention that you vere the Todesmeister – the Master of Death."

"He did not know this, but he is in for a shock." He motioned for his group to move forward, though he stopped the Heads of House. "The four of you need to go back to Hogwarts. If Voldemort wins here, I am certain Hogwarts is next on his hit list."

Professor Snape nodded. "We understand, Milord. God be with you." They disappeared.

Turning to Grindelwald, Harry gave him a cold smile. "We'll see you in a few minutes."

~DAHP~

Within the Manor, a furious battle had been going for a few minutes, when the Devil interrupted in a sing-song voice: "Oh, Moldy Voldy!"

Voldemort turned around and his face froze in horror. "My Horcruxes! HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND THOSE?"

"Hello? I'm the Prince of Darkness himself! How would I NOT know about the shenanigans you Dark wizards do? You owe me a payment of your soul in exchange for all the power I gave you, but you thought you could cheat me … NOT ANYMORE, VOLDYSHORTS!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

The green light hit the Devil, but his response was a cold maniacal laugh. "Oooh, how that tickles! My turn ..." A flash of Hellfire later, the Horcruxes turned to ash as with a scream, Voldemort and Tommy fell unconscious. "Now, as for you, Belial … you've been a bad little demon ..."

St. Michael rushed past him to extract Belial out of Dumbledore. Pinning the demon to the ground, the Prince of the Celestial Host said, "With the authority vested in me by the Power of the Almighty, I'm deporting you back to Hell," here he made the Sign of the Cross, "in Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti." Belial disappeared with another scream. "Now you can take Dumbledore out, Harry."

"Thank you, St. Michael, but I feel there is someone else who wants to share in this … Gellert?"

Dumbledore could not believe his eyes. "Et tu, Gellert?"

"Albus, mein Freund, you couldn't expect to survive against Herr Potter, could you? Look at the situation: he has both der Himmel and die Hölle at his side! Add in the fact that vith the three artifacts of Death in his possession, he is the rightful Todesmeister. Give up now, and he may be merciful. Fight him, and you vill lose."

Albus Dumbledore considered his options. Either way that he chose – surrender or fight – the odds looked bad for him. If he surrendered, at least he would be alive, but at the price of his dignity. No, he could never surrender – NEVER! Maybe he could blow Potter and his allies away with a blast of Fiendfyre. An answering blast of Seraphic Fire met it.

The resulting explosion blew them off of their feet. Much to Lucius's dismay – ("MY MANOR! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY GALLEONS IT WILL COST ME TO FIX IT?!") – it also blew the roof off of the Manor!

"Damn!" the Devil said from the sidelines. "I've heard the expression 'Blow them to Kingdom Come,' but this was too literal! Michael, you want some popcorn?"

"No, thanks, I already have some."

A coughing Dumbledore got to his feet. "I don't think we'll try that again, am I right, Lord Potter?"

"Yeah, agreed. That was a bit much, even for us. What were you trying to do, roast us?"

With a momentary thought of "BLAST!", both sides went at it again, spells flying everywhere. It went on for a half-hour, neither side gaining any ground. Even though he did not have the Elder Wand anymore, Dumbledore made up for it with a surprising speed and his many years of experience. In the end, he lost to Harry's teamwork and to magical fatigue – the Fiendfyre blast cost him a lot of energy.

As Dumbledore died, Voldemort and Tommy awoke and struggled to their feet. Both were weak from losing the Horcruxes, so they had one shot to get rid of the other – or both.

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Πυραγιον!"

The two spells met and connected with each other. Tommy threw his energy into forcing Voldemort's spell back as a cage of bright light formed around them.

"Hold on, Thomas ..."

"Keep it up, Thomas, you're doing great ..."

Holding the connection, Tommy's eyes widened when he saw who was behind him. "Lily? James?"

Lily smiled. "We've forgiven you, Thomas. Old things are passed away, and behold, all has become new."

James smiled too. "We're almost there, son. Keep going … for Harry."

For Harry. In what seemed to him like a split second, Tommy had a vision of Harry and Hermione smiling with their kids gathered around them. There would be no more need to worry about danger and death lurking around every corner.

Would he be a part of it? Would he and Ophelia live on to have kids and enjoy their time with Harry and Hermione?

He did not know, but it did not matter anymore to him. Greater love has no man than to give up his life for his friends. Harry was his friend, but he was more than that. He was a brother. He could never live in peace as long as Voldemort was around. With that thought in his mind – "For Harry" – Tommy Riddle gave one final push to his magic, hopeful that it would be enough. Voldemort's final scream of pain as the Seraphic Fire burned him to a crisp told him that it was enough. It was finished.

~DAHP~

King Minos smiled. "Why, Albus, how we've missed you! Did you enjoy your time on Earth? No? Aw, that's too bad, because I have something for you to keep you too busy to escape … the Boulder of Sisyphus! Do you know what it is?"

"Rolling a boulder up a hill, if I'm not mistaken."

"I'll give you partial credit. You have to roll a boulder up through the environs of Hell, all the way from the icy lake of Treachery up to me. When you get up here, I'll kick it down there, and you'll have to begin again. You're going to need some help, though … how about … Voldyshorts?"

Voldemort growled. "The … name … is … VOLDEMORT!"

"SILENCE! You both hate each other, right? Well, no better partner than someone who hates you, I say! A match made in Hell, indeed! Yes, given all the trouble the BOTH of you have caused us, we feel it is more than appropriate! Get cracking!" A chain appeared linking Dumbledore and Voldemort together as he kicked them down to Treachery.

"Ron Weasley … you fatass little pig … we have an exercise regimen for you ..."

The exercise regimen involved a military drill team running with him all the way through Hell. There would be plenty of demons jeering at him and tossing everything possible in his direction, such as rotten fruits, vegetables, excrement, flaming excrement – EVERYTHING! The terrain of Hell was not friendly to runners either.

King Minos turned on the large radio system and put on a song: "It's a Small World After All." After that was finished, he said, "That was the famous song, 'It's a Small World After All' by the Disney Corporation. My name is King Minos, and I'll be your host here on K-HELL, all awful music, all the time, for the rest of eternity. Next up, we have Roseanne singing the American National Anthem." The denizens of Hell screamed. "After that, we have the music of Justin Bieber." There were more screams. "Being in a place with awful music, while unable to escape, that is Hell. Oooh, boy, do I love this job ..."

~DAHP~

Along with Harry and his company, a crowd of angels and saints were gathered around Tommy.

St. Raphael spoke up. "Harry, I'm sorry … Thomas is not going to be around much longer ..."

"Well … meathead … aren't you going to say … something?"

"What do you want me to say, Tommy? You know we're going to miss you and all ..."

"True … but I was expecting … you to … scream … or break … something."

"No … Malfoy Manor has suffered enough tonight."

Lucius smiled. "Thank you for the thought, Milord … though I do plan to rebuild, so it's not that big a deal if you break something else, I assure you."

"George, I wonder what Lucius Malfoy's insurance bill would look like?"

"I don't know, Fred, but if it involves Lord Potter in its calculations, it's bound to be stratospheric."

This elicited a laugh out of the group. "Fred and George … you two … are the funniest … pranksters … I've ever … had the pleasure … of knowing. Keep … an eye … on him … for me."

"Aye," they said.

"Ophelia … I'm sorry … that I won't be around ..."

"Thomas Marvolo Riddle, don't you say you're sorry! It was all for Harry's sake, so he and Hermione could have a happy life together, and you did it!"

"What about … our time … together?"

Ophelia kissed him. "Darling … we did have a wonderful time together. I'll manage … somehow." Then she started to sing:

"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when,  
>But I know we'll meet again some sunny day!"<p>

Tommy joined in:

"Keep smiling through … just like you always do,"

As did Harry and Hermione:

"Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away!"

"Beautiful," said St. Michael. "Now, if you don't mind, we're giving him our own send-off." With that, the choir of angels and saints, led by the Virgin Mary, sang in a tear-jerking celestial harmony:

"Sleep, my child, and peace attend thee,  
>All through the night!<br>Guardian angels God will send thee,  
>All through the night!<br>Soft the lowly hours are creeping ...  
>Hill and vale in slumber sleeping ...<br>I my loving vigil keeping …  
>All through the night!<p>

Holl amrantau'r sêr ddywedant,  
>Ar hyd y nos!<br>Dyma'r ffordd i fro gogoniant,  
>Ar hyd y nos!<br>Golau arall yw tywyllwch …  
>I arddangos gwir brydferthwch …<br>Teleu'r nefoedd mewn tawellwch …  
>Ar hyd y nos!"<p>

~DAHP~

**The author has to take a short pause … [grieves for Tommy...] Okay …**

Much to the shock of everyone at the funeral, Tommy managed to come back alive. Seamus's uncle – the priest praying Tommy's Requiem Mass – fainted. The only explanation Tommy gave for this miracle was, "Even though I was happy to be there, God felt it wouldn't be right to have me stay yet, so I'm back for a long while … I hope ..."

Harry smiled. "We've missed you so much, Tommy. It's good to have you back."

"So, what hijinks are up for next year?"

"Well …" said Hermione, "we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor named Gilderoy Lockhart ..."

"Wait just a minute … is he that guy who wrote all those books about all his heroic deeds?" Hermione nodded and he made a facepalm. "As much as I enjoy books … oy … this is going to be a long year ..."

**Author's Note: I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. There's an Epilogue coming up for it, and yes, I do agree this should be in the humor category …**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**


	33. Chapter 33 Epilogue

"**Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I am more than happy to report that this fanfic has helped a fan get through some tough times. Like I've said on my Fanfic Author page: "If I don't make at least one person smile, I haven't had a good day."**

** It's crying time again, at least, so would say my dearly departed grandmother – she went on some years ago, in case you're wondering. I have other fanfics in progress though ("Malak Al-Mawt: Angel of Death" and "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus"), and other ideas are somewhere in the cooker. As far as the cast list is concerned, I'm not sure about some of the characters. Then again, for obvious reasons, I don't plan to make a movie out of this. It's just to give everyone an idea of what I might think the characters look like. Of course, this comes right after the Epilogue.**

** As for the Japanese here – one of my friends – the same one who inspired the character of Benji O'Dolios – has been helping me get into the Japanese language. Like always, I do include subtitles. Any grammar or vocabulary mistakes are therefore mine. Fascinating language …**

** P.S., If you recognize where Benji O'Dolios and his cousin come from, kudos! :)**

**Chapter 33 – The Epilogue**

**(A number of Years Later)**

"Ah, Starbucks," said Tommy. "God bless the man who invented this place. Hot chocolates for Harry and Hermione, and coffees for me and Ophelia, right?"

"You've got it, Tommy," said Harry.

"Oh, come on … when are the two of you going to try some caffeine? It'll cure what ails ya."

Harry chortled at this. "Please … we both know me on caffeine would be a scary thing."

Tommy noted a heated argument some distance away. "Harry, do you see that young man, over there?"

"Which one? Can you give any details?"

Hermione nodded. "I see him. His beard is like a weed, glasses … merry blue eyes … his hair's wild and all over the place, yet he has a receding hairline ..." Tommy snorted at this last bit. "He's not old, Tommy! If anything, he looks quite young ..."

"I would add 'dashing' to that statement," said a smiling Ophelia. "He must be out for a night on the town, but it doesn't seem to be going so well."

The girl sitting across from the young man got up. "It was nice meeting you."

"The same to you. Have a nice night."

"Wow … he's so polite, too," said Hermione.

The disappointment on the young man's face lasted for a brief second, but he replaced it with a smile and a small chuckle. Then he turned his head. He saw them. His eyes widened in wonder and he turned his head back to face forward.

"Is he okay?" said Tommy.

Ophelia rushed forward. "He's going to faint!"

Sure enough, a couple moments later, he did. Ophelia arrived in time to catch him.

~DAHP~

He opened his eyes with a groan. "Whoa, that's a first for me."

Ophelia wiped his head with a wet cloth from Tommy. "Are you sure you're okay?"

He smiled. "I'm okay now, thanks to you. You must be an angel, because you caught me at the right moment."

"You're quite the smooth talker, you are, Mister …?"

"Oh, where are my manners? My name's Loki Palmer. What's yours?"

"Ophelia Riddle. These others are my husband, Tommy Riddle, as well as Harry and Hermione Potter."

Upon hearing the word "husband," Loki struggled to get up. "Oh, goodness gracious me, what an embarrassment I must have caused you!"

Tommy and Harry helped to pick him up and put him in his seat. "Loki, there's no need to worry – you haven't done anything wrong."

"I still owe you my profuse apologies, Tommy –"

"Hey, kid, you just need to be grateful that she was there to catch you. It could have been worse otherwise, given the size of your big head."

Loki's eyes flashed at him. "Are you saying that I have a big head?"

"Yeah, you do, Loki, but don't feel too bad. We've seen bigger. Are you waiting on an order?"

Loki smiled. "Yes, I am. Wait for it ..."

A female barista called, "I have a venti iced chai latte here for Pat McGroyne! Pat McGroyne! HEY, SOMEBODY, PAT MCGROYNE!"

All the customers within the Starbucks laughed at her as she blushed and ran into the back. Loki went and got his drink to the applause of his fellow customers. "Well, now that I have a nice big dose of caffeine here, how about we go?" They nodded, and he whistled. "ベンジ、いこう！" (Benji, let's go!)

A young man, brown hair with green eyes, answered, "ロキいとこ、僕はくる！" (Cousin Loki, I'm coming!)

~DAHP~

"あの、いとこ、誰か女をみわくするか？難破いいだか？" (So, cousin, are you attracting any ladies? Is the hunting well?)

"いいえ、この今晩できない。" (No, I cannot tonight.)

"このかわいい女は、何ロキいとこいうか？" (What does Cousin Loki say about these cute ladies?)

Loki smacked him upside the head. "結婚している、白雉！" (They are married, idiot!)

Loki's smack didn't faze Benji. "きれいだね？" (They are beautiful, right?)

Loki smiled. "そうだ。とてもきれいだ。" (It is true. They are very beautiful.)

"何問題だか？鶏だか？" (What's the problem? Are you chicken?)

"いいえ、馬鹿ではない！" (No, I am not stupid!)

Tommy smiled. "ロキがとても賢いですと思います。" (I think that Loki is very smart.)

Loki and Benji looked at him with evident shock. "トマスさん、日本語（にほんご）をわかりますか？" (Tommy, you understand Japanese?)

"はい。私たち日本語を勉強しました。" (Yes. We studied Japanese.)

Loki blanched for a brief moment, but it did not escape Hermione's attention. "ロキ君、何邪魔するか？" (Loki, what's disturbing?)

Loki refused to speak. "ロキ君、私たちに話しましてください。" (Loki, please tell us.)

Ophelia's face brightened as if a light bulb went on. "今あたしは見る。あたしたちはきれいですとロキいいました。そうだね、ロキちゃん？" (Now I see. Loki said we [ladies] are beautiful. Isn't that right, little Loki?)

Loki's response prompted Hermione to say, "おう、それかわいいね！赤くなる！" (Aw, isn't that cute! He's blushing!)

Ophelia turned to Benji. "ロキとてもかわいいとかわいらしい。ベンジ君、どうして女がロキをおかけないか？" (Loki is very cute and sweet. Benji, why are the ladies not chasing him?)

Benji shrugged. "オフェリアさん、知りません。" (Ophelia, I don't know.)

Loki looked at them, amused. "終えたか？" (Have you finished?)

Benji smiled back at him. "はい。どうして聞くか？" (Yes. Why do you ask?)

"誰が、映画見たいですか？" (Who wants to see a movie?)

Harry smiled. "どのが、映画ですか？" (Which movie?)

Loki handed him eight DVDs. "これを知っているか？" (Do you know these?)

Harry's eyes widened upon seeing the titles. "あの、デベデだ、がちょっと。。。この映画を見れなかった。" (Well, they are DVDs, but hold on … I haven't seen these movies.)

Tommy looked at them with interest. "うちのハーリーでと家族見ましょう。" (Let's see [them] at Harry's place with the Family.)

"DOBBY!"

POP! "How can Dobby be serving Milord Potter?"

Benji, to the group's amusement, leaped into Loki's arms à la Scooby Doo. "何が、これだか？！" (What is THAT?!)

Loki's eyes widened. "ゾイヌクス！ハーリー主人ですか？！" (Zoinks! Harry's a lord?!)

Harry took control. "Guys, calm down. To answer Benji's question, Dobby is a house elf. And, yes, Loki is right, I am a lord, although I don't use it to look down my nose at other people. There's no need to panic, because I consider the two of you as my friends, so there's no need to be formal with me."

Benji got out of Loki's arms and gave Dobby a bow. "すみません。うちエルフいますと思いませんでした。始めまして。どうぞ宜しくお願いします。" (Excuse me. I didn't think house elves exist. It's a pleasure to meet you. Please treat me kindly.)

"Benji, you're going a bit overboard with the formality," said Loki, failing to contain his amusement.

"Dobby is always honored to meet Harry Potter's friends," said Dobby, returning the bow. "Out of curiosity, does Benji speak English?"

"Of course I do, Dobby, it's just that I prefer Japanese," said Benji.

Dobby grabbed the hands of Loki and Benji. "That's good to know. Shall we go to the Manor?" They nodded, and the three disappeared again with a POP!

Ophelia scratched her chin in thought. "What is it about Loki that seems so familiar?"

Hermione thought for a few moments. "I don't know, but he has more charm in his little finger than Professor Bighead had in his smile."

Tommy glanced at Harry. "Do you feel like this is a bad thing?"

"No, I don't. I can sense that he has a friendly personality. Did you note how nervous he seemed when he heard about you and Ophelia?"

Tommy smiled. "Yeah. At least he's honorable. His sense of humor too – I like it."

~DAHP~

Out at Potter Manor, Loki and Benji got to meet the other members of Harry's Family – Seamus and Ginny Finnegan, Neville and Luna Longbottom, Draco and Daphne Malfoy, Fred and George Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Arthur Weasley, Madam Amelia Bones …

The two most noteworthy meetings were: Dan and Emma Granger, and Susan Bones

Hermione brought Loki and Benji over to her mom in the kitchen. "Loki, Benji, I'd like you to meet my mum, Emma Granger."

Loki, with a small grin on his face, gave her hand a chivalrous kiss and started to sing:

"And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson,  
>Jesus loves you more than you will know!"<p>

"Well, aren't you quite the charmer, Loki?"

"Thank you, ma'am." Loki looked up and released her hand. "Ah, Mr. Granger, I presume?"

"Yes, young man, and you are …?"

"Loki Palmer. I'm a friend of Harry's, and this is my cousin, Benji. Your family is beautiful, by the way."

"Why, thank you, Loki. You do know Harry is protective of Hermione, right?"

"I would be the same way, sir, so I understand."

"Good boy. Make one wrong move and Harry will gut you like a boned fish. The same goes for Benji."

Benji held up his hands. "While I'm sure we're both grateful for the warning, sir, I must say that I'm perfectly happy as a single person."

Hermione looked at Loki and realized something. "Oh, thanks for that mental trigger, Benji. Loki, there's a young lady here I'd like you to meet: Susan Bones."

"Oh? Out of curiosity, is she taken?"

"No, she isn't – not at the moment."

There was a happy gleam in Loki's eyes. Benji, shaking his head, said, "Do you have any idea what you've unleashed? Now all we need is some delicious food for her to give him, and he will be one happy mutt."

"What kind of appetite does our little Loki have, Benji?"

"食欲のロキはゴジラの二番目来臨だ。僕は恐れるべんきだ、が恐れない。食べて寝る。寝て食べる。大笑い人間の形にだ" (Loki's appetite is the second coming of Godzilla. I should be afraid, but I'm not. He eats and sleeps. He sleeps and eats. He is laughter in human form.)

Hermione's smile brightened. "そうだか？見ましょう。これは滑稽な光景べきだ。" (Is that so? Let's see. This should be a funny sight.)

Dobby got a brilliant idea. "Who wants cheesecake?"

Loki and Benji said in stereo, "Cheesecake?"

"Are you sure you're not twin brothers?" said Ophelia.

"Not always, Ophelia," said Loki. Dobby snapped his fingers, and the cheesecake floated far above his head. "Cheesecake … purty … with chocolate glaze … mmmmmmm … chocolate glaze ..."

"Impact in three … two … one ..."

SNAP! Loki dived out of the kitchen, trying to save the falling cheesecake.

"What the –"

CRASH! Benji and the quartet came out and burst out laughing upon seeing the sight of Loki and Susan, both of their smiling faces covered in cheesecake.

"Would you look at this! It's the perfect couple!" said Hermione. "Loki, this is Susan. Susan, Loki. Loki and Susan, meet cheesecake."

Loki shrugged. "It's one of my better Homer Simpson moments."

A light blush painted Susan's cheesecake-covered cheeks. "So, Loki, you wild young man, are you saving some of that cheesecake for later?"

"Susan, this wild young man has two settings: Wild and Wilder."

"No, Loki, your two settings are ノーマル and 気違い。"

"これを聞いた！" (I heard that!)

"What did he say, Loki?"

"Susan, he said my two settings were NORMAL and MANIC."

"Wait a minute … now that I think about it, if your NORMAL is MANIC, then that would give you one setting … that can't be right ..."

"静かに、ベンジ君！" (Shut up, Benji!)

"本当だと知る。どうして喧嘩してみる？どうして拒絶してみる？" (You know it's true. Why try to fight it? Why try to deny it?)

Susan decided to take some initiative. Leaning up to Loki's face over her, she licked a piece of cheesecake off of it. It was the neutron that set off a fission reaction of hormones in the couple as they moved to her room for a little privacy.

"Dobby wonders if he spilled enough cheesecake over this happy couple?" A pleasant scream from Susan told him all he needed to know.

Benji started to sing:

"When you mix lovers and a cheesecake,  
>Giggity giggity giggity ..."<p>

Tommy rolled his eyes. "Oy, the people I have to live with in this Manor. HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU ERECT SOME MOTHERLOVING SILENCING CHARMS, FOR SALAZAR'S BLOODY SAKE?! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES SLEEPING HERE, YOU ANIMALS!"

There was a rumble of thunder. "GET BENT!"

"YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'VE GOT A LADY IN THERE, YOU –"

Benji put a warning hand on his shoulder. "の為に安全、この文を終えないで。" (For the sake of safety, don't finish that sentence.)

"Why not?"

"怒れば、危険だ。" (When he is angry, he is dangerous.)

"ハーリーもだね？" (Harry is too, right?)

"もちろん、が目覚めさせる怒りのロキをとても聡明ではありません。" (Of course, but awakening Loki's anger is not very wise.)

"ロキパルマー神ですか？" (Is Loki Palmer a god?)

"いいえ。人間です。強力な魔法の人間、が人間だ。物語ハーリーポッターとオリンプスの王子と読んだか？" (No. He is human. A powerful magical human, but he is a human. Have you read the story, "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus?")

This statement piqued the interest of the quartet. "ロキ物語を書くか？" (He writes stories?)

"はい。" (Yes.) His eyes widened as he made a facepalm. "おっと、仏、僕は余りを言った。。。" (Oh, Buddha, I've said too much...)

"Benji, don't worry. Loki's probably asleep by now, and besides, we would have found this out sooner or later."

"True … but I think he would prefer telling you himself ..."

"Tell us more."

Benji told them everything he knew about Loki Palmer … the fanfiction he wrote, his Muggle disguise for when he went out among the Muggles, everything. "In a way, you could say he travels all around the literary multiverse and reporting on what he sees. His favorite sector tends to be that sector in which Harry gets together with Hermione."

"Literary multiverse? That's a new one," said Harry and Tommy.

"The idea is simple. Theoretically, there are many different literary universes out there – a multiverse. In one sector, things go one way. In another sector, they go a different way. For instance, in this sector, Harry and Hermione got together. In another sector, Ron and Hermione got together – as weird as that may seem. Sorry about that, Hermione."

"No offense taken, Benji. How does anyone figure that Ron and I could get together?"

Benji shrugged his shoulders. "I can't figure it out. Across the literary multiverse, Ron is probably the stupidest prick around. He's not even smart enough to make a good comedy relief. Fred and George are the undisputed comedy relief of the show. As odd as that may be, there yet another sector where Harry and Ginny got together ..."

"WHAT?!" said Harry. "But she – but she – but she looks like my mom!"

"Loki objects to it too, Harry – on that same principle."

~DAHP~

The next morning found Susan Bones in bed hugging an adorable St. Bernard dog with blue eyes. Giving Susan a good morning kiss, it leaped off of the bed and transformed back into Loki. "So, Susan, how about we head to the kitchen for breakfast?"

"Are you cooking it, dear Loki?"

Loki gave a snort. "No, I am not. I'm a cooking disaster waiting to happen."

"Ah, I understand. So, your cousin Benji is the one who cooks for you?"

"Yep. The only cooking I do is in a microwave."

Susan stretched her arms out to him. "How about carrying me into breakfast, big boy?"

Loki picked her up and she latched onto him. "Are you comfortable?"

"Yes, dear Loki … I wonder what's cooking?"

"Let's see ..." He took a deep sniff and sped off, saying, "It's … BACON! Baconbaconbaconbaconbacon!"

~DAHP~

Benji was in the kitchen with a bright grin on his face. "日光、おはよう！良く寝たか？" (Good morning, sunshine! Did you sleep well?)

"はい、とても良く寝た。どこ朝御飯あるか？" (Yes, I slept very well. Where's breakfast?)

"今食べ物がほしいだか？昨晩食べなかった。" (Now you want food? You didn't eat last night.)

"忙しかった。" (I was busy.)

"知る。ノイズをたくさんしていました。" (I know. You were making a lot of noise.)

"Even with Silencing Charms, you still shook the place, you two mutts," said Tommy with a smile. "Benji was right in saying that you were powerful."

Loki started singing as he danced and collected breakfast for himself and Susan:

"You … shook me all night long ..."

Benji rolled his eyes. "この愛の犬二匹野蛮だ。世界は解いた侠気を分かりますか？疑問が在る。" (Those two dogs of love are wild. Does the world understand the madness it has unleashed? I have doubts.)

Loki glanced at him. "君の知性静けさの田舎だ。そこ、こおろぎを聞くことができる。" (Your brain is a countryside of tranquility. There, I can hear crickets.)

Benji gave him a cold snort. "それおかしかった。笑いを忘れた。" (That was funny. I forgot the laughter.)

"嫌味のメーター舞い上がってる。" (The sarcasm meter is soaring.)

"嫌味のメーター在るか？" (You have a sarcasm meter?)

Loki felt a soft hand caressing his cheek. "Yes, Susan?"

"Loki, can you show me how to eat with chopsticks?"

"Benji, you put out the 端, didn't you?"

"はい。" (Yes.)

"Okay." He took a pair of chopsticks, also known as _hashi_, into his hand. "Here's how you work them, Susan: you hold the bottom one still in your hand like a pencil between your middle and ring fingers – yes, like that – and you put the top one along your index finger. Remember to hold the bottom one still and move the top one with your index finger … allright, don't worry, it takes some practice..."

~DAHP~

After finishing breakfast, the group went into the Manor's cinema room, where the rest of the Family was waiting for them. Also there were Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, Professors McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick, and Snape, as well as Griphook and Ragnok.

"Ah," said Holmes, "this must be the celebrated Loki Palmer that we have heard about. A great pleasure to meet you."

Loki looked at Harry, who gave him a shrug. "Loki, you might as well meet everyone."

"Watson, what do you observe about our new friend?"

"Well, Holmes, the glasses lend him an air of intelligence. Beyond that, I note that his pupils are quite dilated, hence he likes his caffeine."

"Indeed, Watson. Judging from an additional clue from Harry's letter he sent us last night – the venti iced chai latte – I would go further and say that he is addicted to it. Not that there's a problem with that, Mr. Palmer."

"Oh, please … call me Loki. Professors, it is a pleasure to meet you."

"The same here," they said back to him.

Ragnok and Griphook smiled. "Any friend of Lord Potter is a friend of ours," they said.

Loki smiled back. "My honor to meet you, most honored goblins. Now, we came here to see a series of movies, so how about we do so?"

"So, what's the story behind these?" said Harry.

"Well, Harry, far be it from me to ruin the main story before we see it, but these are based off a series of seven books by a Muggle named J.K. Rowling."

So the group sat down to watch the movie series known as "Harry Potter." Watching it, comments of all kinds, as well as laughter, crying and cheers filled the cinema. Much to everyone's shock, Tommy, who professed no love for Albus "Manipulative Old Prick" Dumbledore, was crying watching his death at the end of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince."

One favorite moment was Neville Longbottom's rousing speech in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II." Watching this, Neville said, "Yep, that sounds like something I'd say."

Seeing the look on Voldemort's face when Harry showed himself alive, Tommy said, "Hold on! Pause it!" When the movie was paused, he went on to say, "This look on his face sums it up. You know what it says? It says: YOU! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KILL YOU, BOY?"

When the film resumed, everyone said, "GO HARRY!"

Finally, after a couple days with all the breaks, they finished watching the film series. "So, according to J.K. Rowling, I somehow ended up with Ron?" said Hermione. Loki nodded. "What was her point – even a bloody idiot can get lucky?"

"Not to mention, where did she get the idea that I would end up with Ginny?" said Harry. "Emma Watson had more screen time with Daniel Radcliffe than Bonnie Wright did. As for Cho Chang – what did he ever see in her? That was a train wreck from the start! I'm sorry, but that Harry Potter was a bloody idiot for not noticing the hot piece of giggity that was Hermione Granger!"

"So – Ron Weasley, the Resident Troll-Brain of Hogwarts, is dead, so I've heard … you defeated Voldemort in one year … what else went on?"

~FLASHBACK~

As Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia were ending their summer, they came up to Flourish and Blotts to get their textbooks, to find the place packed with screaming fangirls.

"Oh, this is great – what do you know? It's the one day we have to come by for our textbooks, and here we have this preening prick of a peacock strutting about here for a bloody book signing!" said a cranky Tommy.

Gilderoy Lockhart looked into the crowd. "Merlin's beard – is that – Harry Potter?"

The Daily Prophet cameraman tried to grab him, but found himself thrown into Lockhart …

~END FLASHBACK~

"So, what happened with Professor Bighead?"

"Thanks to his habit of preening himself before his mirror, he became a new statue in the castle, and he's remained there ever since," said Tommy with a smile.

"What about Professor Umbitch?"

"Sad to say, we had her as a professor ..."

~FLASHBACK~

"Professor?" said Hermione.

"Yes, Lady Potter?"

"There aren't any defensive spells in these books."

"Spells? Ha! Why would you need any defensive spells?"

"Well, let me venture a guess: maybe because this class be called 'Defense Against the Dark Arts?' " said Seamus.

She glared at him. "That will be enough, Mr. Finnegan. The Ministry feels that you should be able to learn defense in a safe, risk-free manner."

"Risk free?" said Harry. "If somebody attacks me, no way in Hell is it going to be risk-free!"

There was a collective "A-men!" from the students.

"Who, may I ask, would like to attack such children like yourself?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know … maybe another Dark wizard like Voldemort?"

"Lord Potter, with all due respect, I am quite sure there are no more Dark wizards around."

**"Eh, I don't know, Harry. That sugary sweet fa****ç****ade is tempting my Dark side to come back in full force. Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva, when practicing deeply the Prajna Paramita, perceived that all five skandhas* are empty and is saved from all distress ..."**

[*Skandhas are the parts that join together to create the illusion of the self in Buddhist thought: form, feelings, perceptions, impulses, and consciousness.]

"It doesn't hurt to be prepared, Professor … just in case ..."

**"Kill the bitch! Spill her blood! Bash her in! Kill the bitch! Spill her blood! Bash her in! Kill the bitch! Spill her blood! Bash her in!"**

_"Shut up, Tommy! We are not going to kill her!"_

~END FLASHBACK~

"For his arguments with Professor Umbitch, Harry got detention with blood quills. However, we didn't kill her, but considering she used a blood quill on him, we let Gringotts take care of her."

"And we did," said a grinning Lord Ragnok. "Blood quills are considered the property of Gringotts, and to use one without authorization carries a stiff penalty. The penalty we gave her was even stiffer, considering she used one on our friend Lord Potter. To this day and beyond, she is helping to keep the dragon toilets clean – not a pleasant job, I assure you."

Griphook added to that, "Yes, Loki, as the old saying goes: it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." The entire group laughed at this joke.

~DAHP~

Over the number of years that followed the meeting that begins this Epilogue, Loki found himself visiting Potter Manor quite often. Harry did not mind this in the least, and even offered him a room to live. Loki accepted.

The romance with Susan Bones continued to blossom – yes, even to wedding bells. When the kids started arriving in the Manor, their common nickname for the merry young man was, "Uncle Loki." It stuck to him, even though other kids mistook him for Father Christmas and started to run after him …

Did Harry and his Family get to read this story? Yes, they did, although the few appearances of vulgar language in it kept the younger ones from hearing it until they were OF AGE. They all enjoyed reading (and hearing Loki read) it just the same.

FIN

CAST LIST

All roles from the original Harry Potter are as in the movies, except for the Granger parents. Hit it!

"Short people got … no reason ..."

"**Rubeus Hagrid is still here? Awkward!"**

Voice of (and body of) Tom Marvolo Riddle: Joe Pesci

"Why would they do that to you, Harry?"

Dr. Dan Granger: Brad Pitt

"It's that Dursley woman … you don't know how close I came to ending her, and the Dursleys, forever!"

Dr. Emma Granger: Emmanuelle Béart

"Griphook, you'd better pray you're not the one responsible for this … GET YOUR SUBORDINATES IN HERE IMMEDIATELY, ESPECIALLY ANYONE WHO HAS ACCESS TO THE POTTER VAULT!"

Lord Ragnok: Sir Sean Connery

"We'll be there in about ten minutes, Master Potter. Over and out."

Chief Constable Rowley: Himself

"No blee'in' way can they be married, 'Olmes!"

Constable Higgins: Michael Palin

"How can you be so sure of that, Holmes?"

Dr. John Watson: Jude Law

"Indeed, Watson. All in a day's work."

Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr.

"Being in a place with awful music, while unable to escape, that is Hell. Oooh, boy, do I love this job ..."

King Minos: James Earl Jones

"Look at me, you little twerp. You should be careful how you speak to people, or you will make many enemies, capisce?"

Ophelia Minerva Riddle: Eva Green (somebody like a YOUNG Eva Green)

"ECCE PRETIUM VIOLENTIAE!"

Freddy Krueger: Robert Englund

"Percy, these balloons float … and pretty soon, you'll be floating too! Happy floating!"

Pennywise: Tim Curry

"Will you make your Confession, Thomas, My Son?"

The Nazarene: Jim Caviezel

"Oh, Moldy Voldy!"

The Devil: Al Pacino

"All mortals are afraid of something, Thomas."

St. Michael: Sylvester Stallone

"Hail, Heir of Gryffindor."

Mary: Maia Morgenstern

"Harry … I'm sorry … Thomas isn't going to be around much longer ..."

St. Raphael: Keanu Reeves

"Cheesecake … purty … with chocolate glaze …. mmmmmmmmm … chocolate glaze ..."

Loki Palmer: Himself

"Wait a minute … if your NORMAL is MANIC, that would give you one setting … that can't be right ..."

Benji O'Dolios: Himself

Thanks goes out to all my readers and my numerous fans, especially:

Angel Girl5

DZ2

ChAOtiC ReApEr

(and so many others)

**Thanks for reading! I love you all!**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**


	34. Sequel Notice

**"Don't Anger Harry Potter"**

By Loki Palmer

**SEQUEL NOTICE**

Hello to all the fans of this, my most popular story so far.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'd like to let you know that there is a sequel that I have been writing to it called, "D.A.H.P. II: Il Potterino." In it, Lord Harry Potter and his Family have moved to America, the land of opportunity. Naturally, it is HP/HG.

Smiles,

Loki Palmer


End file.
